I am hopeful and will ride this out

[smith18]

My first thread finally locked.

I am pretty sure that W will make some big decision in her talk with me today. Maybe now that it is a confirmed PA, things will be moving much quicker in her mind to come to a final decision. I will not push her though. I am hopeful, and regardless of what she decides, I will have a happy life.

[Heimlich]

Hang in there, Kerry. That's really stupid what she's doing to your kids.

Document this. If push comes to shove, I think you'll be better than you expect regarding custody.

Hang tight, A's generally burn out after 6 months. On the flip side, if she decides to stay with OM, you deserve better than someone who would prefer to go for money over love.

BD

[mako]

Hi Kerry,

Sorry that you had to find out about this OM from your kid, that's just awful.

You are in the right mindset: be hopeful but be happy regardless what will happen. And above all, do right by your kids. And don't let W push you into not talking to the kids about your feelings...blaming W for things is probably bad, but talking about feelings isn't, they will need you through this and will need to know that you are open to them and they can talk to you about things.

Hang in there, hope the talk today goes well.

[smith18]

W and I spoke on Sunday night after the kids were in bed. Now that the affair is public, she thinks there is no way our marriage could ever survive. She also feels that she needs to get a divorce soon after the holidays as she does not like having the kids living with just one parent (me) and not knowing what their future is. She also says that her falling out of love with me happened before the affair. I told her that I understand and that the affair is just a symptom of a problem in our marriage. She said she does not know her future with the OM and that if it does not work out that she may pick up another man. She once again said that she is a selfish B and that I am such a good person.

I expressed to her that many marriages have survived affair. If she wants to come back, I personally could forgive her affair and would focus on the present and look to the future instead of dwelling on the past. I told her it would take time, but when I reach the point of forgiving her that I would feel proud of myself. She says that because others know of her affair that she would never be able to face them again as she will always think they hate her in their minds. I told her that people would never forget, but given time they would forgive. If our marriage were to survive her affair, I believe they would look at her in a new light as having the courage and strength to make it work. Anyone that could not forgive is not worth worry about how they feel towards you.

She said in her recent talk with her mother that her mother can just tell that she is having an affair and that their relationship seems forever over. Once again she indicated that she wished her brother would have problems in his marriage so that her mother would not look at her as the bad daughter. I know that her mother can also forgive with time, but if my W ends this marriage, it will surely make that time much greater. It makes me sad that her mother is not being supportive of her.

I also needed to have her understand my biggest worry. That getting a divorce will mean the kids will live primarily with only one of us just like right now. The one of us that does not have custody of the kids will not like that. It may be her or it may be me. I was honest with her and told her that I really don't know which of us is going to get custody. I said that if I knew 100% that it would be me getting custody, I would probably accept getting a divorce now. I so very much want to be with my kids every day as they grow and that I understand that she has the same desires. I told her that our kids have expressed that they want to live with both of us when I have talked to them about the consequence of a divorce.

During my talk about this, she was hostile at first saying that I sounded like I was threatening and that she is going to get the best lawyer to fight for her kids. Towards the end, I made her understand that I am just trying to have her see it from both perspectives. One of us will not have custody and will be deeply hurt. I also tried to make her understand that lawyers are not much used in determining custody, but instead a counselor (mediator) determines what is in the best interest of the children and makes a recommendation to a judge. She did get a bit irrationally and just said "fine, then you take the kids".

The main thing I asked of her is that she please give our marriage more time before filing for divorce. I told her that most affairs burn out on average in 6 months and that she needs to be absolutely sure of what she wants and the consequences of a divorce. She keeps thinking that kids are resilient and would have no problem with a divorce. I don't think she realizes the financial impact on our lives a divorce would inflict if she does not end up living with OM.

I told her that even though I am lonely for love, that I am committed to wait up to a year before giving up. Our family is just too important for me to quit. I did a little bit of breaking of Dbing in that I mentioned that men like myself can change when given a chance and some time. I told her that I know she will continue with her affair and that I don't really care right that much now that she is with another man. I don't want to know about him, but unfortunately I will hear it from my kids. I let her know I don't condone the affair, but I cannot stop it as it is like a drug addiction to her right now.

As for myself, I will continue on with the holidays and my trip with my kids to Mexico. The day to day interactions with W are friendly and I strive to keep them that way, as if we do get divorced, it does not help to not be civil with one another. I know that there is a good person buried somewhere deep in my W and that there exists a chance that she may salvage that person. She said she is ok with me writing down my thoughts in a letter and I think I will suggest she might want to call my mother, who also had an affair. She will have a much better supporting talk from my mother than from her own mother right now.

I found a good book called "NOT 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass. I will keep it in mind as something to read if my W wants to come back.

My attitude will be to assume the worst and work hard to not focus on the things that could have been, but rather focus on things that WILL BE. Just keep reminding myself... "this will pass... and things will end up in a better place". If I have time, it is going to play into my favor. Stay calm and rational and don't panic about even my worse fears.

[soul_mate]

Kerry, I am going to say what I think is best for you sorry if I come across as mean.

I think she is walking over you and you are making it really easy for her. Forget about the kids for a minute and just think about you and your W. I think in a D you have a really good shot at your kids or at the least 50/50 joint so put the kids aside for a minute. You need to come across strong to your W not as someone that will be waiting for her and instantly ready to forgive whatever it is she does. You are coming across to her as weak and this is not attractive. It is time you stop talking to her about your feelings and the R she does not deserve to have the closeness with you right now. Give yourself a lot of space from her. Act as if you are moving on with your life and do it. Your trip to Mexico is a good start at this, but also do stuff without the kids. If you really want your W back then you need to make yourself attractive to her make yourself someone she wants to get back with. GAL, Make yourself hard to get, do 180s, take care of yourself, take care of your kids. You can't just do these things for a couple weeks and then go back to talking to her about the R etc.

I am not saying be mean to her, but be indifferent towards her like you will get on with your life without her. This is the only thing you can do right now that will make any difference I know it is hard, but keep working at it.

[smith18]

Soul_mate -

Thank you. Your response is right on. I sent an email to my cousin telling him my W may be looking to file for a D soon and if he knew a good lawyer. I got this in return:

Oh JEEZ!! Good Gawd that's a shock.

I'm sorry to hear you've been going through so much cr@p. I know that what I'm reading about here is just the tip of the iceberg.

As you know I've been around the block a few times. I also have spent a lot of time around the job box with construction workers, the majority of which seem to be divorce prone, so you might imagine that I have heard all kinds of horror stories. I've written a couple myself. If there is one piece of advice that I would give you, is strike hard and strike fast.

Do NOT show mercy in the beginning. There is always time for that later if she comes around but keep that big gun loaded and cocked.

You WILL regret ignoring these words.

Be the exception to the rule. Don't be the guy (because there are lots of them) that says later: "I wish I would have listened to you but I didn't think she was like that"

Or "I really got f'd" "I should have" ...blah blah blah. I'm not saying hammer her right out of the gate. But you need to be prepared to do so in the office with your lawyer. You can always call him off if things don't go your way but it doesn't work the other way around.

I'm talking change the locks, file restraining orders. LOCK her out of your life until YOU can dictate how far back into your life and your wallet YOU are willing to let her into.

I have contacted the excellent lawyer he recommends and have made an appointment for this Thursday. It is time for me to get a little tougher.

[smith18]

As I am putting my kids to bed tonight, S7 tells me he thinks that mommy is spending her nights with OM when she is done shopping in the evening after leaving our house. I tell him to not worry about it. I then talk to D5 in her bed so as to soothe her to not be afraid to sleep by herself in her room. I have some romantic violin music playing on her stereo to help her fall asleep. She tells me that she thinks she is partly at fault for causing mommy and daddy to get a divorce. I tell her there is nothing she has done wrong and why would she think it was her fault. She says that she feels bad to have told me that she saw mommy kissing the OM. I started to cry a bit and told her that there was nothing wrong with her telling me that. I told her that no matter what happens, that mommy and daddy will always love her and that everything will be ok for her.

It really hurts me to hear from them any troubles they are having, but I need to listen and make them feel that it is ok to talk about anything and that everything will get better. I need to get my kids through this ordeal. Hopefully our trip to Mexico will get our minds off it some. I need to do some more research on how to talk to children about divorce and seperation.

I really wonder if my W understands the level of emotional pain she is inflicting on the kids and myself.

[soul_mate]

She probally does not understand or is just to involved in herself to care about anything else. You did good handling the kids and what you told them. This is one of the hardest things to deal with when it comes to what the W is doing to the kids. Just get it out of your head the best you can because there is no reasoning or anything else in this world that will make it ok. Plan fun things for yourself and fun things to do with the kids and try your best to get the though of what she is doing to the kids out of your head. Trust me these thoughts will only cause more pain that you really don't need right now.

[smith18]

After further review of my marriage situation, I feel that my W has crossed my line where I cannot take her back. That line was crossed with her exposing my children to her current ugly A and stating that if this one does not work out that she will find another guy at a night club. I dont want my daughter to get the impression from her mother that it is ok to be promiscuous when she is older. My W may be in a MLC and I dont know how long it will last or how many more diseases she will contract. I am not going to sit by and be an enabler to her decadent lifestyle. This is not a movie where I am Forest Gump and have Jenny finally come back only to have her die from some sexually transmitted disease. Even though I am not religious, I have a set of moral standards to live my life by. If my W wants to live her life this way, it is her choice.

I will forever cherish and have fond memories of the 8 years of beautiful marriage up until this last year. I promise to myself to never speak unkindly of my children's mother in front of them. I will strive to always maintain friendliness with my children's mother. I will move forward with my life knowing I tried, up to a point, where most any decent man could bear. I will continue to GAL and make myself happy for myself and my children. If my W is unable in the future to visit her family in Thailand with our children, I will always keep my door open for my in-laws to visit and would still enjoy taking my children to visit them in the wonderful country of Thailand.

I still believe that DBing is the technique to use in most cases. It does not always work, but I have read a lot of threads where it really works. I am grateful to Michelle's books and this forum for getting me started in improving my life and any future relationships I may have.

So the next step in my journey of life began today by having a nice initial visit with my very competent, caring and experienced lawyer. I have put down a retainer and we are getting the ball rolling on a D at the first of the year.

His first concern in our meeting was that of the children. He advised me to start attending some parenting classes for myself and with the children. He recommended that I find a good book about divorce and children. I will be purchasing and reading Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. He does not want any of their schedules to change and will file a status quo with the court.

We are going to try to be very civil with my W in the D process just in case a miracle were to occur where my W has an awakening. We wont have some messenger deliver the D papers to her work place, but I will give them to her myself. Hopefully, my W will accept my fair and generous offer and we can move on with our lives. I think the only sticking point for her is that I want to have primary custody, but allow her to be with the kids after school. I think this is fair in that the children will interact with their mother and father for about the same time each day. They will still live in the home they have grown up in and attend their same schools. I want to alternate weekends (with make ups for missed weekends) along with having seperate vacations in the summer.

If she opposes this, my lawyer says I have an excellent chance of obtaining custody in the mediation/court process. I want what is best for my children.

If I focus on the needs of my kids, every step will be easier to decide upon. And I will have something besides anger and disappointment to put my energy into. I will always try to be the best dad for my precious kids.

As someone else once said..

Strength and Honor - Strong to do the right thing even if it hurts YOU and Honor to ALWAYS do the right thing EVERY time.

[soul_mate]

Good luck Kerry I can understand bringing OM around kids as being too much. I have been lucky that my W has not done this and I believe she will not for a long time. If she did I can't say that I wouln't be doing the same thing as you. I agree that it is completely unacceptable to expose your kids to this it is just thoughless, self centered, and immature. I hope for your family that she does open her eyes sooner rather than later.