So H and I were watching tv last night and the topic of sexual fantasies came up. After the show, we went up to bed and I decided this was a good opening to discuss our own fantasies again. I asked him "do you have any fantasies you haven't felt comfortable telling me?". He said no, of course, and then just launched into how he thinks about "vanilla" type scenarios - that was his word - and said he just likes to think about giving me oral. That really turns him on. I said, that's what you think about when you masturbate? He said yes. Ok, I'm not going to argue that one. I know he really likes it so it's probably true. He also said he wished I gave him more blowjobs. That was kind of surprising because he never asks for them. Ok. Then he asked me "what are your fantasies?" At first I just said, you know already. And he said, oh yeah, the aggressive/domination stuff, that's not really a fantasy, just a preference." I said that's true, but it's really about what gets a person sexually turned on and that's what I like. He said flat out it was a "Huge turn off" for him and it was just never going to happen. Instead of arguing that, I just said I think our problem is that we are both submissives. He totally agreed and said "yeah, I like it when you are assertive with me and you like that too. That's the problem I guess." I said "Yep"....then we proceeded to pick up our books and read before bed like we always do. laugh/cry
Hmmm...the only thing I might suggest is that when you have vanilla sex with him you think along the lines of "I'm going to f*ck him back." even though he isn't giving you the dominant vibe of "I'm going to f*ck you." to get you started. I guess I'm thinking that it must be the case that he is turned-off at the thought of you being submissive for the same reason that you are turned off at the thought of him being submissive. He sees women as weak or squishy or something like that in the submissive role and finds that unappealing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
LFL, I think he was just feeding your troll. He is not necessarily a submissive just because he does not want to be overly aggressive or dominant during sex. It might still be as simple as B&D is not his flavor. None the less, you drew some really strong positives out of that conversation. He acknowledged that he would like more oral. That is definitely a step in the right direction!
Have a happy holiday!
P.S. I will start a thread soon.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
There's tension in the LFL household today. H just stormed out to go get more xmas presents that we don't need. Don't know exactly what going on other than SSDD. And frankly, I don't care which is a bigger issue.
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I guess I'm thinking that it must be the case that he is turned-off at the thought of you being submissive for the same reason that you are turned off at the thought of him being submissive. He sees women as weak or squishy or something like that in the submissive role and finds that unappealing.
That about sums it up. We both want each other to be someone we are not. Great! Thank god I have a plate full of chocolate kiss peanut butter xmas cookies in front of me for comfort.
LFL, I think he was just feeding your troll. He is not necessarily a submissive just because he does not want to be overly aggressive or dominant during sex.
I guess. But he did agree with the submissive terminology. I dunno....
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It might still be as simple as B&D is not his flavor.
Well, I wouldn't say that's really my flavor either. I think H would "do me" tied up and stuff before he would hold me down and tug on my hair. See the difference? He doesn't have to be aggressive when I am tied up. He could just do what he wants to me. I like a little bit of a struggle back and forth. But that's what turns him off.
Gotcha. Yuck and more yuck. I have come to the conclusion that not only does H not "get me" sexually and he does not want to but I am feeling "controlled" by him. I recognized recently that he so values our roles as parents that he orchestrates our lives so that parenting takes over not only his life but mine also. He is so into the "divide and conquer" style of living that he will literally run around with one child (sometimes necessary, sometimes created errands) or other leaving me to do the same with the remaining child(ren)and then stay up late every night for QT with teenage child(ren) such that we aren't together alone - EVER. I am a good Mom. I am not a slave to my mothering. I am perfectly capable of putting little ones to bed, kissing teenage son on the cheek as he plays guitar hero or watches South Park and taking H to bed early before we are too tired to fcuk his brains out. He cannot do that. Who does that make him? A good Dad. Who does that make me? Irresponsible, disengaged Mother whose behavior must be indirectly dictated by the other (clearly superior) parent. The part that is nice (for most men) about wanting the kind of sex that you and I do is that they do not have to jump through hoops to get it. A man does not need to rub our feet, compliment us, do the dishes and put the kids to bed before laying a hand on us. That is different than it is for many women. Well, the fact is that my husband would do all the things I just named and does frequently. And that is where it stops.... Am I supposed to pick up the sex baton from there??? Who knows??
Hi Karen I can tell by some of your recent posts that you are starting to climb the walls too.
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The part that is nice (for most men) about wanting the kind of sex that you and I do is that they do not have to jump through hoops to get it. A man does not need to rub our feet, compliment us, do the dishes and put the kids to bed before laying a hand on us. That is different than it is for many women. Well, the fact is that my husband would do all the things I just named and does frequently. And that is where it stops.... Am I supposed to pick up the sex baton from there??? Who knows??
I know! My H too. He can do the good Dad stuff, even the romance stuff, but there is no sexual follow-up. I don't think my H is as focused on the kids as your H though. Yours really takes it to a new level. And you are right, you might start to question, am I not being a good mom? You know you are great mom. Being sexual doesn't have the cancel that out, but for some men it does. Totally sucks. Hope you had a nice Christmas.
I know I am a terrific Mom I just think there might be some kind of switch in H's emotional makeup that makes sexy = bad parent.
His Mom is completely different than me in every way EXCEPT we apparently share an interest in a good R with a man that includes sex. Her fiancee died some years ago and now she lives a lonely austere life, is semi disabled and a little nutz. It almost isn't fair that he doesn't recognize that she is paying her penance over and over. She has no one. I guess I am paying mine too. "Bad Mom, you want sex when there are children to be raised! I will just have to model correct behaviors."
I realize that my H takes parenting to new heights. He is hyper-giving in many areas of his life. What is it that your H seems to value most? What does he distract himself with?
What is it that your H seems to value most? What does he distract himself with?
Well, he distracts himself with hobbies all the time, music stuff, etc. I wouldn't say he values it Most but he sure values it. He likes to spend time with me alone without the kids, I do value that too. I guess he is a Quality Time guy. Nothing wrong with that, but it still feels lonely without the intimacy piece thrown into the mix.
laugh/cry
