Nice of your H to say those things about you and be so honest about his role in the past year. But Wow! I can't imagine a mother saying those things to a child, grown or not. How to ruin all the work you ever put into raising a child in one fell swoop! So mean. Glad you are having a nice week.
But Wow! I can't imagine a mother saying those things to a child, grown or not. How to ruin all the work you ever put into raising a child in one fell swoop! So mean.
Seriously. She didn't even raise him. She got pregnant before she got married, (while she was engaged) and when she found out she was P she broke off her engagement. She said it was too much pressure. H's Dad talked her back into getting married and she relented and got married prior to H's birth. H's dad had an affair within 2 years of them being married and took off when H was 2 or 3. MIL couldn't handle raising H so she gave him to her Mother to be raised. H was raised by his G'ma and G'pa. His mom is more like a sister to him. H didn't even know any of this until this year. His Dad also never missed a child support payment - ever. But for some reason H has never spoken to his Dad. MIL won't say why except that he isn't a good man. I think MIL prevented that R from ever growing. She didn't want her XH having a better R with her son than she did. So sad. Anyway, MIL always paints her XH out to be awful, and what he did (the A) was awful, but he must have cared for his son. He wouldn't have paid child support every month for 18 years if he didn't love his kid.
And yes, MIL is extremely mean to say anything along those lines. That's why when H said, Em, grab your things we're going, I did.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Edie, My W and I haven't had sex since March. It's been about a year, since we've had any regular sexual activity. Your patience around this issue is amazing.
It sounds like sex is around the corner for your R. It's helpful to see that even when that part of a R is dormant, it can return.
My W and I sleep in separate rooms, at this time, so I'll wait until she shows some signs of interest in this area. It will be awkward at first.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
hmmm...patience. I don't feel patient. I'm starting to resort to desperate measures - lingerie (or sexy pj's) every night (and baby, it's cold outside), waltzing around the house in underwear (not at all my my typical behavior), and plenty of thoughts rolling around my head. I haven't said anything to H. I really don't want to pressure him, verbally at least. I don't think it's really necessary, at this point, to have a full fledged conversation about it because I'm hesitant to even do the deed. I think it would be awesome to have this kind of contact with H, but at the same time I am so nervous that we're going to get to that point and images of OW and H will flash into my mind and then it will completely ruin the moment, H will feel rejected, and it will be another 24 months before he touches me again. I don't want to rush this, but I want it to be fixed. And fixed right now!
On the other hand, we have such a nice time together and get plenty of hugs/kisses/cuddles in throughout the day. I really don't have any complaints except for the sex thing. And even then I have a feeling that when it happens, I'll complain about it....this guy can't win!
I had another reminder today of who I am and it was nice. H and I went shopping. I got some great deals on some clothes. I had decided which sweater I wanted to purchase and H came over and the following convo ensued: M: well, what do you think? H: hmm... I guess it's ok. Are you going to buy it? M: Yes, I really like it. H: I'm surprised [you like it]. I don't really like it that much.
In the past, I would have hung that sweater up and moved on. Now, I looked back at the sweater and thought, what's not to like? I'm buying it. And I did. A small victory, but they add up. I like working on making me whole and happy with who I am. H likes it too.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I envy you, strangely. Sex has always been something easy and natural for my H and I. But after discovering his A, for a few weeks I couldn't let him touch me. But then I wanted to feel wanted again, and I thought that would be proof that he was sincerely working on our M. I was very, very wrong b/c my H continued his A, even though we were having the best sex in our M, and I later discovered that sex with the OW was ho-hum. The A continued for another year after my initial discovery, plus another 2 mos after that discovery. Now I'm not sure.
I was wondering, did you, and have you continued to tell your H that you couldn't bear to have sex with him, or was it something he just knew and didn't even try to initiate? By not having sex with him, do you think it has made it easier or more difficult for him to end his A and choose to work on your M? I haven't read your entire thread, so I don't know your sitch - there are so many threads with so much history, but I do try to get some background before I write my comments and questions. I hope you do not find my questions too prying, but I am really trying to figure out how to fit DB-ing into my sitch effectively, and lately I feel as though I am chasing my own tail.
I ask this b/c I worry that by continuing to sleep w/ my H, I am enabling him to have his cake and eat it too. I do love him and I am very attracted to him. We are separated, but see each other frequently and talk nearly every night. I have never been one to withhold sex for any reason b/c I have always loved how connected it makes me feel to him. But he continued an A while lying to me that it was over, all the while with me sex with him, not knowing about the A, but hoping that that would help cement our bond and rediscover our connection. Now I've reached a point that I fear that I am being lied to again (or still, depending on how you look at it) and I don't know if ending sexual contact should be one of my tactics to making sure the OW is out of the picture forever by showing him what he will lose. But if he is getting it from her and not from me, do I stand to lose him to her b/c he isn't getting what he needs from me? I do not want to use sex, but I won't be a doormat and I will use any tool I can to get what I want here, to save my marriage. I honestly do not understand men, but I suspect that sex for them is more like food, whereas sex to us is more like a spiritual thing.
I hope I am making sense. I am reaching out to whomever I think has some wisdom from their own sitch to be able to offer me some strategy to do this. I don't have proof of the A, just strong suspicions, the same feelings I had in the past, which were bang on even though I tried to dismiss them.
Thanks, FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
Hi FA - Sex was always a difficult thing for H and I. We were good prior to getting married and once we got married it all fell apart. I know now it was all due to H's commitment issues.
That said, H began an A 12/05. We had sex for the last time 2/06. He hasn't put a hand on me (in that manner) since. The lack of sex in our R is what initally made me think that he was having an A. At one point after I discovered his A he said to me that by having sex with me he would feel as though he was cheating on OW. I haven't brought it up since. I don't REALLY want to know why we're not having it now. I'm assuming (and yes, maybe wrongly) that he just needs to heal. He needs to get over OW and concentrate on fixing us. I believe all of this needs to come in his timing, not mine. Which is why I thought it was such a good sign last week when he said it seems like we'll be fixing that problem soon. Soon to me and soon to him are two very different times, but I just trying to wait it out and am hopeful that when it happens I will be able to enjoy the moment and not fill it up with images of H and OW.
In regard to your sitch, I would advise you what I would advise any one of my students - If what is happening to you is making you feel uncomfortable because you feel violated in some way then remove yourself from the situation. It seems like (and rightly so) sex with your H is something that you aren't OK with right now. Listen to your gut. IMO, it's not ok to have sex with someone you don't trust and who doesn't trust you. You're not using sex as a weapon, you are protecting yourself. You have absolutely NO control over what your H does. He is his own man and clearly he will have sex with OW whether or not he's having it with you. I will venture a guess that if you were just dating your H you would NEVER agree to this kind of relationship. Don't settle for it in your marriage.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
It's not that I feel violated, I actually enjoy sex with my H very much, always have, which is probably why I never suspected a thing. But I do see what you mean that if I was dating him I would not tolerate a relationship with someone who was having sex with someone else. My intention never was to tolerate this kind of relationship - it was always unwitting on my part. My H said to me that he always felt that he was cheating on me when he had sex with OW, but never felt he was cheating on her with me. I honestly don't know if that's the truth, but knowing him, it probably is. OW was pretty upset when I told her this.
I don't know if he is still seeing OW. He maintains that he is not, but I have become so programmed to expect another bomb after this happening so many times that I am second guessing everything now. No, I don't trust him completely, maybe I only trust him a little bit - I see trust as a continuum, not as black and white. But I just wish he had been honest with me about OW like your H. At least you knew what was going on when he was confused and trying to figure out what he wanted and you were given the choice about what you were going to do with your sitch. I was always left to wonder, left to suspect, left to snoop and play detective and every single thing I found out was because of my own detective work. He never admitted anything until his back was up against a wall and he knew that I knew the answers to the questions I was asking.
Now I am second guessing myself once again. Are my instincts correct or are they out of control, like some cancer eating away at any fledgling trust that may begin to grow in my heart. Tonight I talked to him a little bit about this, calmly, about how I can't even, at this point, control the first thing that pops into my head when he does anything vaguely suspicious. I hope he understood, but then again, I have so many times tried to explain this to him, but it never sunk in, mainly b/c he was still involved with OW. I suppose time will tell if he will ever "get it" and be able to do what he has to do. I suppose eventually I will walk away if he does not.
But the more I think about sex with him, I don't mean to use it as a weapon, more of an indicator. Sex between us has always been about him wanting to please me, his own being secondary. I always thought that unusual, and asked him about it, but I did read something about that and I suppose it's not so uncommon. A couple of months ago when I was not having sex with him, it made him feel very insecure b/c he worried that I was looking to get it somewhere else. As I said, I honestly don't understand men, so this notion was quite confusing to me. I suppose I will just have to play it by ear when it comes to sex with my H for the next while.
It's interesting that our timelines are so similar. My H's A began Jan/06 and ended (finally, I hope) Oct/07. However we are S and I know that this is a huge impediment since he enjoys a freedom that I believe he is loathe to lose by moving back home. But I take it as a good sign that he wants to spend time here, and he calls this house "home" but he calls where he lives his apartment, never his "home". I know my sitch does not belong in the "piecing" forum, but I'm hoping to get there someday.
Thank you for your thoughts.
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
EM, I understand where you're coming from regarding the sex issue. I am impressed with your willingness to have a platonic R for 24 months. I understand that you were not patient, and wished things were different, but you realized that you could not force the issue to be resolved according to your timeline. I admire your strength and perseverance.
The sex issue is a complicated one. On the one hand, as you say, it can only be worked-thru when there is a partnership. On the other hand, how does one become intimate again with someone when there has been great distance in the M?
Thanks for your willingness to share this aspect of your R.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
