Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

Thanks LWB -
I think I need a new perspective on the sex thing. I'm thinking about re-reading some of DR/DB and see if I can put a plan in action. I may just need to address all of this in IC. I wish H would go with me. I need a solution here though and waiting for it to fix itself is ridiculous. I don't believe in burying stuff and at the same time, I DON'T want to blow this out of the water - I mean it's sex. It's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be the culminating expression of love. And, shame on me, I'm not really pursuing my H in a loving manner on this, I'm kinda, dare I say it, objectifying him solely because it's been so long....

see...told you all I had work to do!

[believing_isaiah43]

I'm kinda, dare I say it, objectifying him solely because it's been so long....

I hear you, sister. I have previously beaten my H over the head with You're Not Having Sex With Me, It's Not Right, Etc Etc. Yeah, that's sexy. I'll be right there. Not.

This was a problem in our M before he had an A. Yes, the irony kills me. HE had an A. Should've been me, considering who was sex-starved in our M. He was affirmation and respect-starved, hence the A.

Anyway! I feel you, and understand the Frustration. My H doesn't want to ML unless and until our emotional R is strong (or at least better) . He's such the Girl about that!

[fooled again]

I don't know which is worse - living together w/ no sex, or being S and having sex. My H and I are S, and I suppose you could call what we are doing a sort of "piecing", but I still feel uncomfortable with alot of things (and yes, Ediemarie, I have been thinking about what you said to me earlier in your thread about what I would tolerate if my H and I were dating).

Maybe what you are both doing is better in the end, b/c when it does happen you will know its right. I let my H back into my life and bed too quickly after too many bombs, and now am left with that feeling that maybe even now I'm giving away too much, though it is affirming to know that we still have that physical connection. The fear of being "used" is pretty strong though - during his A he had both me and OW (possibly w/in hours of each other). It still makes me feel sick, and the imagery is indeed very hard to work through at times.

If I had to do it again, I would like to have been able to hold out longer. Maybe the best thing is to just give it all the time you both need to make it right, and real and really "yours" again. Every sitch is different, but I believe I would swap places w/ you and be living w/ my H and not having sex.

FA

[ediemarie]

Hi ladies - thanks for swinging by!

Believing -

This was a problem in our M before he had an A. Yes, the irony kills me. HE had an A. Should've been me, considering who was sex-starved in our M. He was affirmation and respect-starved, hence the A.

I could have written these words myself. This is exactly what occurred in my marriage. He was affirmation/respect starved, I was sex starved. I guess maybe there-in lies the answer. Affirm, affirm, affirm, respect, respect, respect. That may be the key to the solution. I'll have to give that some thought! Thank you for posting this.

My H doesn't want to ML unless and until our emotional R is strong (or at least better)

I know this all to well. And while it frustrates me I can understand it, I appreciate it. It is a good quality to have. It is the same thing that my H says. I just hope that our bond isn't strong enough because he's dealing with all of his crap and NOT because he is still fighting feelings for OW - although being honest with myself I'd have to say that this is certainly part of it, as ugly as that is. I can appreciate him not wanting to take advantage of me. Not wanting to give me something that he can't be 100% a part of, but what is a frustrated wife to do? Isn't THIS very thing one of the reasons why people have affairs?

FA -

I let my H back into my life and bed too quickly after too many bombs, and now am left with that feeling that maybe even now I'm giving away too much

This is a fear of mine. Isn't it amazing the connection, the bond, that a physical moment can produce? I don't know how it's possible for it to produce such a bond in one person and not a bond in another. I am fearful that I haven't "delivered enough consequences" for his actions and I'm equally fearful that he's not working hard enough to "win" me back. What's there to win? I never left. I question these things from time to time. I certainly let him go, but I never walked out. He always knew where I stood. I was always the one wondering where he stood, and guess what? Nothing's changed. But I suppose that it is quite possible that he doesn't where he stands. Maybe that's why I don't know either. He is still figuring it all out.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Ladies, thank you so much for swinging by. You both have given me lots to think about. Perhaps my plan will be respect and words of affirmation - you can never go wrong with that combination!

[ediemarie]

In other news, for those of you that have been following along, H is avoiding work again this week. Last week he was out Monday - Wednesday, he just called me from home and said he got sick this morning so he didn't go to work. Interesting. I don't know what's up with him not going, and he certainly isn't telling me why he's not going. But, he's not going. I guess facing OW everyday is just too much for him?? He said he threw up this morning, but he sounds fine now and is coming to pick me up. Hmmm...I'm gonna let this one lie. My curiosity may get the better of me as I'm dying to know what's going on, but I think I'll just let H figure this out on his own. I'm nervous that he may get fired because of all his absences. He has tons. I think he may already be over the limit for the year. This happened to him last year too. I wish he would just quit. Ok. I may vent about this here - a lot. I don't want to say anything to H, but MAN I wanna talk about it lol.

[cat03]

sounds like good ol' anxiety, I hope at some point he realizes he needs prof help and talks to a T or C.

Hugs)))))

[ediemarie]

Thanks Cat -

Well, we're at day 2 of not going to work. H says he's going tomorrow. We'll see.

In the meantime, we're heading to my parents this weekend, 4 hours from here. I would like to move to that area at the endof the school year. H keeps saying the same thing. We're actually going to meet up with a realtor and check out some homes this weekend. I was truly surprised that H agreed to it. He actually seems excited.

Hmm...perhaps a fresh start is exactly what we need. I don't want to run from anything, but maybe this is the best thing for us.

I can't believe he didn't go to work today....I'm dumbfounded.

[fooled again]

Ediemarie,

That's quite a mystery, indeed. You are very good for not talking to H about his avoiding work - I know I'd be bursting at the seams myself. He must be in his "cave" trying to work something out - maybe it's a bit of depression too. My H is out of work and spending alot of time in his own "cave", but I recognize the "hiding" behavior.

Your H being interested in moving may be a good sign. IMO you should not think of it in terms of "running away"; I prefer "fresh start". It might just jump start your sex life too, kindof like a vacation does!

My H and I moved far from our families when we were in our 20's. It was exciting and romantic and made us feel very close - maybe I'm romanticizing it a bit, b/c it was stressful too - but I do hold my memories of that time dearly. I don't believe my H would be willing to move right now, unless he continues to have problems finding work, but I would do it in a heartbeat.

FA

[ediemarie]

FA - thanks for stopping by. Yeah, I'm trying to embrace the move as a fresh start. I think I read on the marriage builders website awhile ago that on of the best things you could do was move from where the other person is to a completely new state and start fresh. I'm excited about the prospect of starting fresh.

H went to work today and yesterday. So that's good. Wow! That is a 180 for me, thinking it's good that he goes to work. When he drops me off in the morning I even say to him - go to work today and I say it cheerfully. 180 baby. When he doesn't go I worry that he is running or hiding from something and I would much prefer that he face this stuff head on. I'm ok with not asking about it because I just remind myself that I wouldn't bother a roommate with annyoing questions of why he/she didn't go to work, why should I bother him. His decision. think roommmate...

Last night we were watching TV and somehow the topic of 5 years from now came up. Kinda like where do you see us in 5 years, etc. So I made a comment like I wonder if we'll still be together (it just slipped, I didn't really mean to say it, or maybe somewhere not so deep down I did want to say it just to see his reaction) and H looked at me, full of incredulity, and was surprised that I was even questioning it. I guess he's coming around. The last R talk we even had was before Thanksgiving in which I told him that he was free to make his own choices, free to do what he wanted, free of me. Prior to that our R talk was about how he couldn't commit to me and may never be able to commit to me. And now, 2 months later he's incredulous about me wondering aloud if we will still be together in 5 years???

I refuse to initiate an R talk and I don't really know that one is needed right now. His actions say a lot. I mean even for him to be looking at buying a home with me is huge. That is commitment.

Ahh...just another day in the life of piecing...

In other news, my Mom emailed me yesterday to tell me that one of her best friends just found out that her H has been having an A for FIVE years. FIVE. I was able to direct her to a few books and a little-known website some of us are so fond of Glad I could help her, yet a bittersweet gladness. Her friend said that my mom and I are the only 2 people that have supported her in her decision to stand. She's been in her M for 23 years - how do you *not* try after 23 years???

There are far to many of us out there...sad. really sad.

[fooled again]

Ediemarie,

Prior to that our R talk was about how he couldn't commit to me and may never be able to commit to me. And now, 2 months later he's incredulous about me wondering aloud if we will still be together in 5 years???

It does look like maybe your H could be coming around. Maybe the less pressure you put on him to commit to you, the more comfortable he feels around you, and the more he may feel willing to commit. Moving & buying a new house is a HUGE committment. My H has talked about it a bit too, but I'm not jumping to any conclusions right now. You are right, your H's actions are speaking volumes. Keep it up and I really hope you get that "fresh start".

I too have done a 180 and am not initiating R talks anymore, and boy is that difficult. I have always been the one to do a R check (even before the A), which nearly always ended up leaving me feeling worse, sometimes leading to fights, always leading to me crying. I do like your "roommate" analogy. I don't live w/ my H, so I have think of our R in terms of "dating" (a bit more than "friendship" b/c we do have sex once in awhile and we do say ILY). Funny how we try to find a word to define what our R is about at any one point in time - at least for me it helps to put things into perspective.

And w/ my H out of work, not talking about that is a challenge for me too. I've always been a worrier, especially about $$. I can appreciate your curiosity about what's going on at your H's work, but keep biting your tongue. I think pressure makes our Ss clam up, so maybe you not talking about him not going to work has made it easier for him to face whatever it is that he was avoiding, and maybe one day he'll talk to you about it.

It's too bad about your Mom's friend, it is really sad. The statistics say that 40+% of women and 60+% have an A, so it's out there, just hidden.

Have a great day.
FA