She's ready to move on

[Michael Mc C]

Thread-locked myself last night.

Thread #1
Thread #2

Here's my latest post.

At this point I see no reason for her to stay other than for the kids' sake. I won't try to stop her. I don't think I'd push her out the door quite yet but I agree, she is here in the thick of things. In her mind nothing has changed. Nothing has ever changed and she still bitches about legacy issues - things that haven't been a problem for many years.

She told me tonight that she has no interest in rediscovering love, attraction and romance with me. It was in response to a mail I sent her (she started the R talk this morning and left for work). Anyway, I need to wash my hands of her and the marriage at this point.

My wife won't be happy until she gets out in the great big world and proves that she is right about having been held back and miserable for God knows how many years.

Today has been pretty liberating for me. I feel more detached now than I ever have. I know that once she moves out and again when she starts dating I will feel some pain. I am preparing myself for both. I am no longer looking at the future and thinking of options for making this work. I made a commitment to her and to my kids. My commitment to her has already been severely diminished. It is time for me to commit more to my children.

I want her to leave our home and that's mildly disturbing to me. I believe it is the only logical next step if there was to be any hope for us. while she is here she will never see me as more than a friend, a co-parent or a housemate. She needs to get out there and live her life just as she has planned.

The sad thing is that with OM gone she has already been discussing dating again. She doesn't see the sickness in her decisions. She is going to try to patch the emotional hole that was left behind by OM, a hole that did not exist before she met him. In other words, she replaced me with him, he disappeared and now she's empty inside. I tried to warn her months ago that this would happen exactly in this way.

What do I know? I'm just a needy, immature man who doesn't understand anything about love and have no idea what she could possibly be going through.

Bah!!

On a high note, I have completed 3 out of 18 things on my "daddy-do list" and should have a 4th completed this weekend. I joined the gym effective Jan 1 but was able to sneak in tonight. I'm surprised I can even type at this point! I feel fantastic considering what I'm faced with but here's what I know:

My children love me unconditionally (as do I!)
My wife has indeed changed and I would never consider her, as she is now, "wife" material
99% of my actions during this situation have been admirable and I am damn proud of what I've done
I am changing for the better and for myself. My kids will benefit from this as will anyone else I come in contact with
I no longer feel I am losing something here. That loss was incurred some time ago and I am coping fairly well


Thanks all! I don't consider this the end, I'm keeping all options open.

[Michael Mc C]

Looking for some advice now. She is ready to move out because eventually she'll be moving on (dating). At this point I feel her moving out would be a good idea for multiple reasons.

1) I wouldn't have the constant interaction with her and will more easily detach
2) It will help her see the reality and possible consequences of her actions
3) She is working, her classes start back up on 1/22, she'll be living 15 minutes away from "home" (opposite direction of her school and work). She won't see the kids, her pets, home or me nearly as often as she thinks. Okay, the "me" part doesn't bother her, I'm sure
4) She'll be living in a very unhealthy (smoke-filled, unkept) environment
5) My kids and I can begin to move forward without her. The reality of this sucks but with her here she is too much a part of our lives for us to deal appropriately with what is happening.
6) There will be less of a financial burden. Her cell phone bill, credit card, car insurance, cigarettes, wine, etc. are all being paid by me (she just got her first paycheck).
7) She feels trapped although I haven't stopped her from leaving. She wants to leave so she can begin to explore other options.

She has 'threatened' to move out plenty of times before. I never stopped her and I never tried talking her out of it. I wouldn't say I encouraged it but this time I'm thinking I should.

Any thoughts? H4C has mentioned that encouraging her at this point could be a good thing. I thought I would simply tell her that she needs to pick a date and that we need to prepare the kids.

Thanks for any input.

[Michael Mc C]

Afternoon all. I answered my own question and have told her that we'll need to pick a date for when she wants to leave so we can prepare the kids. I also told her that we'll need to discuss finances and get a schedule put together for her work, my work, her school and for dropping off and picking up of kids for school and other activities.

I'll let you know how the discussions go.

[Hurtin4certain]

Michael... remain calm and confident during these conversations. Remember that this interaction may be one of the last conversations you have together in the house. Let her leave with the memory that you were considerate, confident and able to live your life without her.

This is a critical time in your sitch, keep your cool. She'll be haunted by the memory of a loving husband letting his wife go to pursue her "dreams".

If you act angry (which she wants you to do), it will be so much easier for her to validate her decision to leave. Do not let her suck you into a fight.

Im here for you brother.

[Michael Mc C]

H4C - I have to say you've been an inspiration to me, as have many of the folks here. I thought having my wife stay in the house with the rest of the family would be beneficial to all of us and to our sitch. It seemed that it was with the first OM go around but this time it's too stressful.

In any conversation that we have that has each of us on different sides of the fence (anything, it could be about when the kids should be in bed), the moment I try to tell her my opinion it becomes "an argument". She feels that everything I say is a fight and I need to raise the flag and tell her "I am not arguing with you. I have a different opinion." She wants me to be the 'angry Michael' or the 'controlling Michael' in her mind. This is my theory anyway. Much easier to walk away from that than the person I really am.

Thanks for the advice. She has already agreed to the items that she will have to be responsible for financially and has said that she would like to contribute to the household as well. I am going to present her with the items I feel she should contribute to (taxes, groceries since I'll have the kids and ALL 10 pets (10 of them!!), etc.)

Oh, and in case you're wondering:
2 Dogs (black lab and a pug)
6 Cats
1 Guinea Pig
1 Fish

Both dogs were introduced to the household by my wife, 4 of the cats were add-ons that she fell in love with, the GP belongs to D11 and the fish was a gift to my W from her brother.

[Michael Mc C]

Interesting conversation with the Mrs. this evening. She doesn't want to "blur the lines" but she wants to get some, if ya catch my meaning.

Tonight, however, is not an option as I've made plans with her brother and his GF.

I don't put any stock in this as she has made it very clear that this in no way constitutes a desire to remain married or in the house.

Personally, I can go for some.

[enlightenbylife]

Why not?

As long as you both go into it with the same expectations...

Go for it!

I would...it has been a year for me and... well I would

E

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks E! I agree completely. I would much prefer she got it here than anywhere else!

I looked at the calendar and OM has been gone now for 11 days. Seems much longer for some reason. Looking back to the 2nd time he disappeared (this is his 3rd) I see that W has a pattern of threatening to leave but not ever doing it. In the 4 weeks he was gone she was "leaving" on 4 separate occassions. Instead we just made more and more of a connection (ML was included).

I'm not saying that she has had a change of heart but I believe that she will probably continue threatening to leave without actually going anywhere.

I doubt she will make the "mistake" of reconnecting with me again this time. Not as quickly as she did the last time anyway. Don't get me wrong, I never once thought we were on our way to 'piecing' but the flirting, playing, kissing and general husband/wife interaction was increasing.

She can prove me wrong though. During the last OM-less span of time she never once mentioned to me directly that she was going to want to move on (date) sometime soon. I found that out from a mutual friend the last time. This time she came right out and said it to me.

I still believe that her moving would benefit all 5 of us. If she stays past the start of school (Jan. 22) I will simply believe that she is taking advantage of me based on my help with her schoolwork in the past (studying, research, explaining concepts, etc.) This is something that she won't get at her mother's house (unless, of course, she begins dating a study buddy.)

I will take advantage of the time she IS here anyway to continue with GAL and making myself a little less available. I am still feeling

Okay. BIL and his GF just got here. I've had a drink already (they're selling a modified version of absenthe in the US again) so I should stop rambling and get socializing.

Good night all!

[LL44]

I agree, you are both married, and if it won't hurt you in the end, go for it!!

Have a good time tonight.

[Michael Mc C]

It appears the plans are still on (at this point anyway). No crazy expectations, will continue to do my thing tonight one way or the other.

However... she told me tonight that she would like to remain living here but she feels I may have an issue with that. She has said that she's not interested in dating anyone or going out anytime soon.

So now I'm torn. I told her I am going to need some time (48 hour rule, right?) to really put some thought into this. As of last night I was okay with the idea of her moving to her mother's. Now, like she did back in October/November, she is throwing the "I'm moving out" threat at me and then retracting it the next day.

So many pros and cons with either living situation that I'm just not sure what I WANT at this point.