"if you stay on a train headed in the wrong direction you'll never make it to your destination"
And doing the same things over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
I think you need to force the issue, why should she or anyone make changes as long as there are no consequences for keeping the things the same. She doesn't really need to move out, you just need to make it clear that if she doesn't won't to work on the marriage she needs to move out. "staying together for the kids" isn't going to work in your sitch, if you both wanted to move on then you could probably stay together each keeping your own separate lives;Well, i should say you could stay together for the kids in your sitch, but you will be miserable until her two plan is ready for her to move out and during this time there will be no reason for her to change.
I feel like you are talking to me also. I agree With ya. MCC and I need to talk. We need to compare notes. I was not aable to get the book today it is on order.
Well it's back to video games with my son...
back when I can
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
All of this is much easier said than done. You still love her so you don't want to something that will screw it up worse, but really can it get much worse for you, you need to make it just as bad for her. I've read nmmng and it was like reading a book about myself.
The only problem with all of this, the one thing that really sticks a wrench in everything is the kids. 'How can i force my children's mother out of the house'. Just remember that you have a large part in the marriage problems but you have gone above and beyond on trying to fix it, this is her choice, she wants the D, she wants relationships with other men, She can't possibly expect you to be ok with all this. You need to use you position ontop of the high horse to dictate things. If she doesn't want to follow you rules/plans, then she is on her own, after all that is what she wants. You will take care of yourself and your kids, and you will take care of a loving dedicated wife if that ever returns.
I disagree with staying together for the kids. I agree with trying for the kids. (really whole heartedly trying) I disagree with trying the same things over and over. (cheeseless tunnels) I agree with trying new things.
I would love my w to have some consequences(eye openers), and i think she will someday. I wont be a tirant(sp) making rules for her to obey. I want my w to want me, love me.
I do believe there will be a time for me to give the ultimatum and follow through.
more food just trying to help
light switch
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
Boy has it been a day for thinking! I read Ohio_Mark's thread a little while ago and I find myself acting from that same position of weakness that he referred to. Why, after everything that I have suffered through, would I hesitate to encourage my W from moving? I believe it must be weakness. At this point she has shown me time and again that she won't take accountability, she has very little regard for what actions are doing to me and the kids and she has the entitlement expectations of a teenager.
My kids and I need to start healing. My wife needs to start taking responsibility for her actions and decisions. I have this hope that she will suddenly see "ME" and realize what she has been doing. The way she treats me and the way I simply turn a blind eye must lead to a very low amount of respect for me. I need to strap on the big b@lls, like I did very early on, and demand respect. Why I let that original attitude fade into weakness I just don't know.
I am not as spiritual and religious as I once was but I have been praying for guidance on this. I know what needs to be done. I am looking for the strength I once had and for the strength to carry through. I must be confident, supportive and calm. I have one chance to do this right. She will fight. She will blame me for the pain the kids will feel. She will insist I'm being a child for not being able to handle her presence in the house.
And then she will reluctantly leave.
I am also praying for the wisdom I need to make my point without sounding accusatory and without appearing petty or spiteful. My W is very sensitive to such things so the message has to be crystal clear.
I originally planned to discuss this with my W on Friday, giving the kids the news on Saturday with the 14th as her move date. I think that I will still discuss it with W but wait until we meet once again with our counselor before planning a date and discussing with the kids. As with the conversation with my W, I only have one chance to get it right with the kids.
Last edited by Michael Mc C; 01/03/0802:27 AM.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
You seem strong and put together. That is good. I think in our situations, we need to move forward towards something...anything...because the current situation is painful and is so obviously not working.
You will be the rock your kids need, you will get through this.
Yes, you need to start setting goals and dates for things to happen. You can and probably should mention in the counseling session that if she still has no intention of working on the marriage, you can't have her staying under the same roof. You didn't give 'your heart, your soul, your everything' for a roommate; a roommate that isn't even carrying there weight.
I think in our situations, we need to move forward towards something...anything...because the current situation is painful and is so obviously not working.
I agree LWB, this just isn't working. Whether that means I need to GAL more or she needs to move out, I'm just not sure. She told me that she was pushing for counseling because she didn't want our marriage to remain in stasis - i.e., the sooner we finish counseling the sooner she can bail. Remember that in early December she was going to spend a weekend with OM even though she knew she could not come back to the house afterwards. Now that OM is gone she has threatened to leave but has made no effort towards that.
Originally Posted By: lwb
You will be the rock your kids need, you will get through this.
If nothing else, I hope I can pull this off. My kids deserve stability and need to feel comfortable. My W cannot do that any longer, regardless of where she lives. She knows how they feel about her behavior and yet she continues (not talking about OM, talking about her absence in our daily lives - she makes appearances but she's not really "here")
Originally Posted By: failycrazy23
You didn't give 'your heart, your soul, your everything' for a roommate; a roommate that isn't even carrying there weight.
This is exactly how it feels. As if I was helping a friend by allowing them to stay here. After time that friend's behavior and selfishness begins to wear on you and you start wondering how best to "push" them out.
The question now is whether it's better to have her physically removed from the home (and the kids) or to simply have her become more removed from MY life (step up GAL and detaching).
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
I just don't think you can live at that same house under your circumstances unless she was making huge efforts to fix the relationship.I don't think you can detach enough living under the same roof. As long as you still want to fix the M and she shows no inclination to do so, she will have too much power over you and your life. It is not even necessary for her to exercise this power over you on purpose, she probably actually thinks you can still be friends. My W said I don't know why we can't just be friends, i said we can be friendly to each other, but there is just no way we can be friends after the marriage is over, 'other couples can be friends after D'. I said they both wanted out.
As long as you are under the same roof, she will be having all the benefits of a marriage and loving husband,while still living the single life, basically for her it will be like living at her parents, if something goes wrong or she needs something her parent/husband will fix it, do it , pay for it. I think if this condition goes on for to long the resentment you will build up will be so great it will always weigh on your relationship. Even if you don't feel up to telling/forcing her to move out yet, you should probably bring it up during your session. Asking the counselor how you should tell the kids shes moving out, making it clear the truth is important(mom doesn't love daddy).
And lightswitch, Making and enforcing boundaries/rules/laws does not make someone a tyrant as long as the rules are not tyrannical, of course she may think they are anyway. You should set a time line or a set of conditions on when the split will occur. And to no one in particular, whenever someone talks about putting it in gods hands I always think about the drowning man joke.
