1st post- he left- came back- & just left again

[Tipper]

Thanks Kissak, Trytohard, and Inmyplace,
I appreciate all the valuable opinions you all have shared with me in regards to this matter.

Kissak, you said to me in the last post what everyone of my friends and family is telling me-"go and have a good time and that is that".And don't worry I will definetly talk to this man ahead of time about how I feel about saving my marriage. I will also let him know that if he wants to bring someone else that I would understand since I know he is on the prowl.

Inmyplace, I am very understanding why you wrote the redflags down(cuz this man flirts with everybody), but i still feel like it will be a good thing for me to go as long as i talk to my friend ahead of time and let him know that my intentions are strictly to get out and have a good time, and that i am not interested in a relationship with him.

Trytohard, I wil be honest with my friend so that I do not lead him on in anyway.I am also happy that you made me cry in your last post to me, as I truely needed to hear it from an outsider (that my H is/has been a complete rectum). I guess I hear that all the time- and never listen to it- when it comes from people I know. It was an eye opener to me. For the first time I am actually feeling like I don't want or need husband back, due to the extreme amount of pain and torture he has put me through over the last few years. It is amazing, that I also kind of felt like it was almost a relief when he moved out the 2nd time since now I dont have to walk on egg shells and feel like he is constantly going to leave me.I am just so much more detatched from this whole mess this time around, its not to say that I would'n take him back, but I realize that he must make major changes and improvements before I can see it happening. I am shocked & proud of your H for getting sober. How did he ever have it in him to do it. I just don't see my H ever giving it up and that makes me sad. He has come to reley on it. It has changed him from this loving-wonderful-fun person to someone nobody can even recognize/or stand to hang out with anymore. I can't imagine that if it takes three years to heal from the alcoholism-that him and I would ever have a chance. If he quit now (which I know he wont), I cant imagine waiting three years for him to come around & finally start having/showing feelings again. I just feel like my H has seriously gone off the deep end, my case is so extreme, and I often think that he will never come out of this crisis.You must have confused me with someone else when you were referring to your son with developmental challenges, as I do not have any kids yet(no big deal-confusion happens a lot in these posts).

I will definetly keep you all updated in regards to this situation on the black tie affair. I will be talking to my friend next wednesday night about it, and I will fill you in on how it all goes after that. Tipper

[trytoohard]

You're right, I did confuse you with another poster!

My H quit drinking because of the ow. Her H is a drinker and she told my H when their R started that she would not tolerate him drinking. This happened while my H was still at home. H quit drinking in May 2005 and our R got exponentially worse! H stopped talking to me, touching me or having anything to do with me except to look at me with disgust or loathing. H didn't tell anybody he had quit drinking, only the ow knew.

H was very sick for several weeks after he quit but he had avoided me to the point that I didn't realize he wasn't drinking for all that time.

I got the ILYBNILWY in August 2005 when I finally researched the cell phone records and discovered his A. He left 1 week after our D turned 18 in Sept 2005.

I stood for my marriage for over a year, then filed for D.

H asked me NYE 2006 to stop the D as he "wasn't ready to loose me from his life yet." Translation...ow wasn't leaving her H like she promised and the R was dying on the vine.

A died a slow, ugly death from Dec 06 to June 07.

H still credits ow with helping him to become sober and "will always owe her a debt of gratitude for her support." BLECH

I met ow in June 07 at her request and during our 2 hour meeting I thanked her for helping my H get some self-esteem back and for pushing him and encouraging him toward sobriety. I meant it sincerely as truth is truth. I told her that while I hated the majority of what their R was, I am grateful for his continued sobriety. Now, we all know that H didn't quit drinking for her, he quit for himself but, because he had this new R developing and the love and support of someone who had not suffered due to his alcoholism, he got some self-respect back. I would not have been able to cheer him on as effectively as she did because of the severe pain and loss me and my kids suffered because of his drinking.

There is a bright side to everything. H and I now spend every weekend together and I see him almost every day. H is still not home but neither one of us are rushing things.

I used to blame the alcohol for my H being a rectum and now that he is sober, I realize that sometimes he's just a rectum! But, then again, so am I.

You are growing and changing Tipper. Your H is developmentally going backwards due to his drinking and that will never change unless he does. You CANNOT change him. I should have left H along time ago and not allowed the damage that was done to happen to me and my kids. I thought I could fix him or help him change. ow didn't fix or change my H either but their R fueled his desire to improve himself so he could "catch" her. He already had me so he didn't need to work nearly so hard.

Stay strong girl. Plan your life without him but keep the candle of hope lit for him.

[palgal]

Tipper, I was going to suggest to arrange to meet this guy at the event rather than riding with him there and back. At least then you're in the presence of others while you are together. Sounds like you got that covered already!

[hopefloats7]

I like palgal's idea very much. Make sure you meet him there as opposed to letting him pick you up. That way, if he gets inappropriate with you, you can leave.

[Tipper]

Thanks ladies,
I will most likely ask my parents to go to the casino and stay there the whole time (they won't mind- they do enjoy a little gambling from time to time) so if I have to leave for reasons of being uncomfortable or anything-I'll be able to.
I do trust this friend anyways. He will respect my expectations and try to just make me laugh and get my mind off things. Now that I have talked to you and my friends more about this situation, I feel much more in control & I know I will be able to handle it maturely.
Trytohard, how have you been standing for almost 3 years now? I admire you whole-heartedly. Is it because he stopped the divorce himself, that you were able to see the glimmer of hope and keep working at it? I don't know why, but I am just starting to feel really negative these last few days about my H and I ever getting back together. My H just really seems to not want to have anything to do with me or his old life anymore(again). This 2nd time he left me was so different from the first time. The first time he left he was in a rage, TOTAL REPLAY TO THE MAXIMUM, did everything I never thought he ever would all with a smile on his face. Now when he has left this last Dec. he seems to just be so much more sweet about the way he handeled it-it is actually scaring me. It's Like he is just accepting that he knows we are through and says it painful for him too, he looked sad and distant, and we actually had some very mature R talks in the last few days he was here(all ending in H saying my heart is just not in this marriage and I am not attracted to you anymore). This is comlete opposite of last time, I couldn't even find him for weeks and he would just hang up on me, & say I want a Divorce.
I don't know if there is another women or if he may be seeing the same bi-sexual stripper from the first time he left (thats my guess). Its killing me that I don't know-there is a certain power to knowing-Ya Know =),but I have read not to snoop for my own good and I do feel it might be a little too painful if I tried finding things out right now. He of course swears up and down (just like the first time he left me) that there is no other women (bla bla bla). I've read enough to know it is probably not the truth. He told me this time that it is all other women that he likes to look at and that he never used to feel that way, and that he thinks that "I should be his drug, and I am not-therefore he wants out".
I know this is really long and whiney, sorry. I am just so down and out about my circumstances. I don't know how you have dealt with all this crap in your past, but it is killing me softly. I think about this turning into years of loneliness and despair and torture from watching him go through this crisis. I hope that I can become as strong and mature as you seem right now in dealing with your situation. I am very happy to hear that you and your H are somewhat stating a new friendship together, who knows maybe it will all "CLICK" for you soon.Good luck & thanks!TIPPER

[inmyplace]

Tipper,

You said:

but i still feel like it will be a good thing for me to go as long as i talk to my friend ahead of time and let him know that my intentions are strictly to get out and have a good time, and that i am not interested in a relationship with him.

Once a man says to others that it is going to get physical, he has one thing in mind. He is not a friend. The mere fact he would say such a thing to others shows he has no respect for you. And in case you didn't know. I am a man. Stay away from this clown.

IMP

[trytoohard]

Oh Tipper, it hasn't been all lonliness and despair!

In the past 2 1/2 years I have come fully back to God, remodeled my kitchen and bathroom mostly by myself, the help from friends and family, lost 50 pounds, read over 75 books, got a promotion, changed my look, met so many fantastic new people at church and work, reconnected with friends from high school and college, started writing again, got my daughter off to college, taught my son how to drive and helped him restore a '67 El Camino, went flying down a mountain on a zip wire (afraid of heights), went white water rafting in Colorado, went shopping in Mexico, traveled out of town for work, stopped biting my fingernails, got healthy enough to come off blood-pressure meds, officiated a funeral for my H's cousin that committed suicide (they asked ME), got re-baptized along with both of my kids, traveled all over the mid-west for my son's racing, learned to lay tile and oh my goodness so much more!

That is the beauty of this. What you choose to do with this gift your H has given you. The real misery and lonliness is to be in the same house with someone who only sees you with loathing and regret. If I'm going to be lonly, I'd rather be alone.

I never thought it possible to become this person that I am now. So different from 3 years ago. I am much more confident, loving, funny, joyful, smart, forgiving, insightful and motivated.

I stood yes, but I was getting a life while I was standing. Picture this...I took a wedding photo of H and I and put it on a shelf, then I went on with my life. I looked at the photo every morning and every night, renewed my commitment to my marriage and promised myself that I would stay faithful in all my GAL activities then WENT ON WITH MY LIFE!!

The only thing I didn't do was get a boyfriend. That was my way of standing.

It's all about perspective my dear friend. Glass half empty or half full? I choose to believe the glass was designed wrong and went about the task of making a new glass!

[inmyplace]

That is great stuff, TTH.

[trytoohard]

Just let your H be, then you can decide if he "be"comes someone you would even want to be with.

Why does your H need a drug? What is he trying to medicate?

Your H's juvenille interpretation of relationships shows that he is looking for the "sparks and fireworks of romance". Most marriages loose the sparks and fireworks at times and it is real work to keep them lit. Your h is one of the multitudes that thinks if they aren't there, it means the R is over. Sad for him because ALL of his relationships will die as soon as the sparks fade, until he realizes it is his responsibility to keep the fire going.

Only you know when you have had enough. The difference in our sitch is that my H was sober and working to improve himself throughout this process. Granted it was initially to impress ow and do as she told him to do but I now benefit from the work!

The ONLY reason I stood was because H was now doing most of the things I had hoped and prayed for for years. Stopped drinking, improved his appearance by taking pride in it, cut is hair, started shaving every day, wearing cologne, trying new things etc. Here was the man I had stayed faithful to now doing all the things that would have made our life so much better but doing it with someone else.

I stood because I saw the regret and pain in his eyes most of the time. H really reacted to my GAL. He became terrified that I was moving on and going to find someone "better than him". When I set up boundries, remained pleasant and calm yet true to myself, he started working him way back.

Gotta go to work...arrgghh!

[kissak]

Wow tth....you are really an inspiration to me. I hope I can do what you have done.