Don't Push!!! A Newbies MUST Read.

[newnamenewlife]

OK, but now I would have to say "let's not go out if you don't want to." Someone has to let H's mom know if she is babysitting or not. It's too late for me to un-suggest the movie/dinner at this point--so what do I do NOW? And it wasn't pressure--it was an invitation. He can say no or make an excuse and I will leave it alone.

[Nature Girl]

OK lmg, I'm going to practice how I would not be controlling (or pressuring) on your Sat. night situation and here is what I would suggest (given my new years resolution that I posted on my thread)...

I will follow up and ask him if he got the email or why he didn't respond

Don't follow up with him about the email, that is pressure. He either will or will not respond more to his mom.

Actually don't even say another word about Sat. night. Make plans with friends and just tell him that you are going out (maybe that would be a 180 for you?) - in a nice and happy way.

[Nature Girl]

it was an invitation

I have learned the hard way that in an mlc situation, an invitation, even one that originated from someone else, can be felt as pressure by the mlcer.

If you read my thread, you'll know what I am talking about.

Just say you changed your mind about movie/dinner and you are going to go do X with friends instead. Then he can either still have his mom babysit and do something on his own, mom can come visit with him, or he'll be home with the kids himself.

[Rollercoasterider]

lovemyguy,

Going out or not?

Which one involves no pressure on your end?

I agree that not going out is less pressure. But review the pros/cons for each scenario. It is not as cut and dry as in other situations since you still go out.

What I think you should do in this case is make the decision yourself. Your MIL asked both of you. Being Passive Agressive, your husband doesn't really want to make the decision. I involves both of you, so you can make the choice here. Email your MIL back, copying your husband, thank her for the offer, but tell her that you two are not interested or do not need or do not wnat a night out right now. Then thank her again.

Since he's Passive Aggressive, he may get upset--at any decision you make. But someone has to make the decision.

I do believe it takes a great deal of courage to come back but to leave a family, it is not courage. I don't think we should rub it in their faces but I would never state that to leave it took courage (unless abuse was involved).

I think it is both courageous and cowardice. For some they have thought and dreamt of leaving for some time...but lacked the courage. For others the internal pressure had not reached level yet, but there are those who dream of it and it's not only the guilt and duty that keeps them home--they are afraid to leave for any number of reasons.

Leaving me freaked Sweetheart out. In the beginning he told me he thought he would eventually come back because he didn't like change--he also told me he would come back for a variety of reasons on a variety of occasions.
Sometimes it's easier to stay unhappy than change and take the risk to the unknown--something that may be happier, but may not.

I don't know if Sweetheart's leaving was courageous the first time. I don't think I would calssify him as one of those. And the times after the first...definitely not. He knew he would be home, so he felt somewhat safe in that.

But it takes courage to leave when you want to and do not want to. When you KNOW (intuitively not logically) that you have to do this, but that you very much want to make it better so you can come home again. It takes courage because you KNOW you must go, but you don't know if you will choose to come home (you hope you will choose that) and you don't know what your spouse will allow. Many MLCers do not want their spouses moving on in anything other than the nondating self-focus GAL sense. They don't want them dating someone else--often that is one of their greatest fears.

So it can take great courage to step into the crisis. Yeah, we wish they would step into the transition without Crisis, but Oh well.

HUGS,
RCR

[Rollercoasterider]

lovemyguy,

And it wasn't pressure--it was an invitation.

In this instance, I do not think it was pressure--because your MIL initiated.
But MLCers aren't known for sharing my opinions!

But your excuse that something isn't pressure because it's an invitation isn't going to fly.

He gets to interpet whether it is pressure or not...and how if an invitation isn't pressure, what is? How else do you ask someone out?

HUGS,
RCR

[newnamenewlife]

OK, so here's what happened: H emailed me back, asking if I thought the girls would like to visit their g-parents on Sunday (when he & I already have plans to do different things, so that's safer for him.) I asked if he meant Sun instead of or in addition to Saturday (just because it wasn't clear) and of course he managed again to dodge the Sat night movie idea. (I gotta say, he has gotten amazingly good at dodging questions...)

I said that his mom would want to know the plan and to let her know what it was.

Are we going to a movie Sat night? Who knows? Hopefully I'll find out from someone.

I appreciate being brought into line, you guys. I am doing the best I can at DBing. Just like our darling MLCers waffle, so do DBers--or at least I do. I'm on a yo-yo too. One minute I'm convinced DB is the only way to go and I must adhere to it at all costs, but then suddenly I get thrown off course and think that it would be better for H & I to spend time together (hence the movie idea) than not to. Sometimes we really do reconnect when we hang out together--and that's why I issue these invitations sometimes.

[poohbear]

Thanks RCR, for the reply to MMF about the courage versus cowardice. Your explanation was on point. Even though I admired her "courage", I still thought it was the wrong thing to do. If she had the courage to leave, she should have had the courage to stay and work it out. It goes both ways.

[newnamenewlife]

Ooh, the plot thickens. My MIL upped the ante by offering to take our Ds overnight. Clearly this is the last thing H wants--to have me all to himself for not just a movie, but all night and the next morning too.

H responded to his mom so rudely, basically telling her our Ds don't like visiting them--which is not true. It's clear to me that he panicked at the thought of so much time alone with me, because he is never rude to his mother like that. Well, she flipped out at his rudeness and he is now in deep doo-doo with her. I am kind of glad his odd behavior is becoming apparent to other people. Maybe he will get help sooner.

[newnamenewlife]

More to this saga: H smoothed things over with his mom somehow, but still she has no idea if she is sitting for us on Sat night!! It's madness. I know I should let it go, but I want to simply say to H that it seems he doesn't want to go out Sat night and that's fine w/me.

I have no friends who are available on Sat night since they are all married and Sat is date night--so forget that. I have gone out with my friends alone for years (just rarely on Sat), so that's not a 180 in the least.

I just want it to be out in the open instead of playing these ridiculous games where no one says anything definite. H's family is like this in general and it drives me crazy. Yes, I know we all think our situations are the exception to the DB stuff--but the fact is we are not all cookie-cutter. We are individuals at the same time that we are dealing with stereotypical MLC. For me, it would feel better to say upfront that going out is not happening rather than leave it up in the air.
I know

[Nature Girl]

I know I should let it go, but I want to simply say to H that it seems he doesn't want to go out Sat night and that's fine w/me.

Here's another idea to take the "pressure" off your H - suggest doing something fun with the kids on Sat. night. Then you aren't pointing out to him that he doesn't seem to want to go out which is probably something he feels bad about.

I know my H has no problem and even enjoys doing things as a family, but many times seems uncomfortable when we are alone together.

An example from my life: last week our friends offered to have both D and S over for a sleepover because they have a D and S the same ages. I asked the kids and they both wanted to so I said yes. Then I just got the feeling that H would not look forward to having the house just to ourselves for the night (we used to long for those opportunities! ) So after I hung up the phone with our friends, I suggested that we have the boys stay at our house and the girls could stay at the friends house, and I said I'd call them back the next day and suggest it. I figured if H did want to have some alone time with me, he could say "no, let them all stay over there so we can go out", but there was no pressure at all from me. It turns out he didn't say that and the boys did stay at our house. Since I have no expectations (even though I would have loved a date with my H or a quiet night home alone with him), I was fine with it and it was great.