Don't Push!!! A Newbies MUST Read.

[Punktmann]

I'm still a noob, so I don't often post things that I "know will help." (how can I know, I'm still in limbo.)

But THIS, I know can help some newcomers to MLC. I think it applies to men AND women.

I edited out the unnecessary parts of this quote, (the writer's sitch,) This is only intended as a reference to what the WAS is feeling.

B/c most readers here will be LBS's, please do not post judgementally of this quote. The brave person who posted this is working through their problems in the best way they can. Please think about how difficult that must be.

......I had a rough week last week. My H who was doing
"great" with our separation, realized that he wasn't
happy about losing me after all - go figure.

I got emails, calls, etc. about how sorry he was for his
part in the deterioration of our marriage, he loves
me, he's been crying a lot, he won't let me go - on
and on. It really wore on me. It didn't break me down
and make me feel warm and loving toward him. It did
the opposite.

I have asked him repeatedly not to want
answers about our M or relationship right now -
because I don't know, and I can't go there at the
moment. If I could, I wouldn't be in my own apt.

He's wearing his wedding ring on a chain around his neck -
little stuff like that irritated the P*ss out of me!

Plus - it made the guilt worse. I don't dislike my
husband - I do love and care about him.

I do not believe w/ my gut and my soul that I can love him like
I should - to be married another 20 years. I just
don't. I don't want to hurt him - and I am - I'm
hurting him badly. So, I limited my contact w/ him
this past week (per therapist suggestion) - haven't
seen him face to face since last Saturday - about 10
days. No more emails ("if I lose you, then I have
nothing left" stuff) very limited phone calls.....

I'm not lecturing, (I did a lot of this myself early on...) but I'd like to point out what "pushing" does to them.

It really wore on me. It didn't break me down
and make me feel warm and loving toward him. It did
the opposite.


I have asked him repeatedly not to want
answers about our M or relationship right now -
because I don't know, and I can't go there at the
moment. If I could, I wouldn't be in my own apt.

Even if they didn't verbalize this, they feel this way inside. They need space from the pressure.

Things I learned in my sitch,

R talk is pressure
Anger is pressure
Those stupid little digs we all let slip are pressure
What it will do to the kids is BIG pressure
Adding to their guilt, even unintended, is pressure

Plus - it made the guilt worse.

I would have liked to have read this a long time ago. I still have a mountain of frustration and anger, but understanding helps.

I hope this helps.

I found it on Path Partners web site. This is a site with forums dedicated to helping women in MLC, and also husbands of women in MLC.

Best,

Punk

[sleeper]

bump^^^^

[missmyfriend]

Thanks Punk!

[poohbear]

When my W left me, I went straight for the guilt and pressure tactics. I could see how much it was pushing her away. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't understand how she could leave the R, considering all the time and family invested. To be honest, even though she is back, I still don't think I will understand.

What I did learn, after I backed off, was how much I admired her for having the "courage" to leave. I don't think I would ever have the heart to leave, even if I was unhappy. I've never told her this, and I don't think I ever will.

Punk is right. The anger and pressure is inevitable. We are all guilty of doing it. I honestly don't think it can be prevented. What matters is how long it takes us to back off. We all do it in our own time. This knowledge that Punk is passing on will hopefully help posters here to get there quicker. Understanding will help the process.

God Bless.

[a new 2moro]

THE PROB IS MOST NEWBIES THINK IT DOESNT APPLY TO THEIR SITUATION...THEIRS IS SOMEHOW DIFFERENT. IVE GONE ROUND AND ROUND W/ SEVERAL THIS FALL....WILL THEY READ AND LISTEN???? I HOPE SO.

NC DOES NOT SEND THE WAS FARTHER AWAY...YES THEY MAY GO DEEPER IN THE TUNNEL W/OP...THAT NEWBIES IS PART OF THE JOURNEY. IT IS A PART OF THE CRISIS THEY MUST GO THRU

[newnamenewlife]

I agree with this, but it is SOOOO hard to put into practice. Also, in our case there is no OW for H to leave in order to come back to me. It's not like I wish he was having an affiar, of course, but for him to leave me for the complete unknown hurts so terribly. So I think NC WILL definitely send H farther away. Easing off already has created more distance between us, not less.

MY H could have written the part about not believing in his gut and soul that he can love me the "right way." That, to me, is a crock, esp since he refuses to try even the tiniest bit--and he was the one who suggested we see a MC. We go and all he does is repeat that something is "missing" in him. It's pointless.

I know MLC is a real thing--that I see. My H is a depressed zombie, which is WHY he has nothing to give me. Still, why does he protest so much when it comes to trying subtle relationship/love-building stuff? He says he's worried it won't work, but my feeling is--OK, so then there's nothing to lose and let's try anyway. It will work if you work it. If you refuse to try, of course it won't work. There is a choice here--he can do something or he can do nothing. Again, I see that MLC is a crisis, but my H can still make choices for himself.

I am not pushing anymore. No crying, begging, pleading, no saying i love you, etc. We stilll live together and I try to act "as if" and I try to be kind and to let him know I am still here for him when he's ready. I do want to know what he is thinking his future without me will look like. He can't see a future with me--but clearly the alternative is complete fantasy.

[Rollercoasterider]

lovemyguy,

THE PROB IS MOST NEWBIES THINK IT DOESNT APPLY TO THEIR SITUATION...THEIRS IS SOMEHOW DIFFERENT. IVE GONE ROUND AND ROUND W/ SEVERAL THIS FALL....WILL THEY READ AND LISTEN???? I HOPE SO.

NC DOES NOT SEND THE WAS FARTHER AWAY...YES THEY MAY GO DEEPER IN THE TUNNEL W/OP...THAT NEWBIES IS PART OF THE JOURNEY. IT IS A PART OF THE CRISIS THEY MUST GO THRU

Amen! lovemyguy, your comments are evidence to what a new 2moro
is saying--Newbies think their situation is different, that they are the exception.

Also, in our case there is no OW for H to leave in order to come back to me.

Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Maybe there will be later, maybe there will not. OW's are irrelevant anyway. SO what that there is no OW. Some affairs are only emotional, some never meet in person.

[since there is no OW] I think NC WILL definitely send H farther away. Easing off already has created more distance between us, not less.

You miss the point. Of course No Contact contact will send him away. It may also yo-yo him back and forth--as he becomes scared at No Contact.
But IF this is MLC he is going to go farther away anyway. It MUST happen for the crisis. It is part of the process. He must separate so he can come back. He MUST go through the MLC tunnel...without you.
MLC seems to get worse before it gets better. Getting worse is not a sign of poor DB'ing or backslides or that he is a specail 'worse' case. That's how it works.

MY H could have written the part about not believing in his gut and soul that he can love me the "right way." That, to me, is a crock, esp since he refuses to try even the tiniest bit--and he was the one who suggested we see a MC. We go and all he does is repeat that something is "missing" in him. It's pointless.

If he is MLC then it's not a crock. He is incapable of putting enrgy into your marriage because he needs to put it into himself. He doesn't have enough leftover. Begging and Pleading and other pressure tactics only divert enrgy from self-healing and self focus. This, I believe, is what can prolong the process.

But you know that--since you recognize he is a Depressed Zombie. You say it is a crock that he cannot love you the 'right way' but also admit he has nothing to give--LBS confusion!

Still, why does he protest so much when it comes to trying subtle relationship/love-building stuff?

You've provided your own answers...Zombie, MLC, nothing to give...

And maybe what you think is subtle is not felt as subtle to him. It is pressure.

He says he's worried it won't work, but my feeling is--OK, so then there's nothing to lose and let's try anyway.

But you've been reading this site for a little bit now...you should know. Why try when there is nothing to lose. It would be a waste of time.
If you do try, you are showing there is something to lose.

If there is something to lose and he is MLC you have greater chance of losing if you TRY (pressure) now.

It will work if you work it.

No! It will not work if you work it. You've said yourself that you are aware he does not have it in him to put in that sort of effort right now. And as for trying, it presupposes failure.

Do or do not, there is no try.

If you refuse to try, of course it won't work. There is a choice here--he can do something or he can do nothing.

Refusing to try or doing nothing may be the only thing that works. Doing nothing is something.

Again, I see that MLC is a crisis, but my H can still make choices for himself.

Yes, he can. So let go and let him do that--rather than pressuring him toward YOUR choices.

I am not pushing anymore. No crying, begging, pleading, no saying i love you, etc.

You are not doing those sort of pushing...but it seems from your complaints you are doing pressure pushing. Let it Go.

I know it's hard. I know it's freakin' scary. I can't tell you he will come back if he leaves. But you've got to let him go. He cannot go THROUGH the process otherwise.

Your job during this time is to work on you. To focus on your Self. To be Patient, Forgiving and Loving. To find peace. Self Focus is meant to help you with those things.

HUGS,
RCR

[newnamenewlife]

Yes, RCR, I hear what you are saying. All points well-taken. BUT please help me with something: H & I still live together and we have two kids to whom he is devoted. Therefore, we have exchanges every day--by phone or email--simply talking about when he's coming home, what we're doing on the weekends, etc. He is good about being responsible in that way, mostly.

But I need to set SOME boundaries. For example, today H's mom (who knows nothing about what's going on with us) emailed both of us to see if she could sit for the kids this weekend so we could go out. I said that would be great, and suggested to H that we go see a movie or have dinner on Sat night (this isn't so unusual for us to do, even now.)

Somehow he managed to reply without replying--which he has gotten brilliant at and it is totally passive agressive. I'm sorry, but his mom needs to know if she's babysitting and I would like him to say yes or no to the movie/dinner idea.

What is likely to happen (given his recent behavior) is that I will follow up and ask him if he got the email or why he didn't respond. He will be lame and say he forgot--or something completely untrue.

So there's not pressuring--I agree with that. I would not have suggested a movie/dinner if his mom had not offered. She thinks that of course we want a night out. He probably hates the idea since being with me reminds him of what a jerk he's become. I think he hates himself most of all.

Anyway, the bottom line is that Sat night needs to be addressed. Are we going out or not? His mom needs to know and so do I. I don't want to pressure him so now I just have to wait until he gets the nerve to respond.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Please listen to RC.

Going out or not?

Which one involves no pressure on your end?

Not going out.

[missmyfriend]

I agree with PB with the exception of admiration for the W to have the "courage" to leave. I do believe it takes a great deal of courage to come back but to leave a family, it is not courage. I don't think we should rub it in their faces but I would never state that to leave it took courage (unless abuse was involved).