Don't Push!!! A Newbies MUST Read.

[grid, lost]

[quote=lovemyguy]H just emailed me to say he would love to see a movie and let's do it, he'll call his mom.

LMG,
if H pulls a 180 on you and says at last minute,"oh guess I don't really feel like a movie". Go yourself, show H you will GAL with out him. Say to yourself, to bad for you, (H) good for me.
grid, lost

[newnamenewlife]

He won't, but I will do so if he does.

Question for everyone: H and I are sort of in MC. We went a few times, like the C, but it became clear that H can't bring himself to work on our M at this point, so we started seeing C individually. Next week, we have an appt together. H agreed to this, and C told me she thought we could keep the topic away from the fate of our M and instead talk about daily life stuff --ie housekeeping, the kids, etc.

I am not able to cancel the session, so I am asking for advice on how to make it productive without compromising on the DB stuff too much.We are still living together and friendly, and I don't think (but who the heck knows) that H is close to actually leaving.

[newnamenewlife]

bump^

[AliSuddenly]

Hi everyone...I'm new here the past few days, posted my story at MLC under http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1324947

I keep reading all these posts and I long for some sign of hope with my BF of 9 years, that some of you here have...some mixed messages, them still hanging around, still having contact...but he just went. Hes been absolutely resolute from day one, not a chink in his armour. Has anyone else experienced that? He says "I've made my decision and I'm never changing my mind". Its so distressing, he is literally like a brick wall, its awful.

He has never had a bad word to say about me or any complaints since he went odd on me in June, he says he honestly doesnt think its anything I've done, its about him and whats right for him. He said I dont want THIS anymore, when I say whats THIS, he says I dont want US anymore. I dont miss US as much as I should do. When I asked, why he says, cos I dont love you anymore.

So I cant do any 180 because he says its not about me? But if he left me...it must be about me on some level? Or is it really about them?? Its so confusing. Contact and asking why wasnt working, he was so guilt ridden and couldnt explain, so I have stopped it. I am posting becuase I think of texting him... but I guess I shouldnt? I havent for 2 weeks now, and not spoken to him for 3.

I worry that NC would just make him think I am fine, getting on with my life and getting over it, letting him go, which is daft as he has left me right! I spent the previous 2 months crying hysterically whenever we spoke, begging, pleading, made worse as he kept saying that he couldnt give me a reason and sorry that he couldnt explain.

Please, anyone out there...am I in whats known as Last Resort? Is this something to do with "going dark" on my partner? I worry that I should be doing the opposite, showing him how much I care, but I'm sure he was well aware of that before as I have been loving and attentive to him this past year.

So I guess I shouldnt contact him?

THankyou

----------------------
Me: 36
H: 34
T: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Moved out: 15 Nov 07

[newnamenewlife]

ASA,
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. My H is still at home but similarly wall-like. It's awful. I try to act "as if" but I don't always succeed. Do you have the Divorce Remedy book? It explains the techniques very well. I also struggle with how to do the 180s and stuff, so I'm not much help there--but I just wanted to say that I and many others here know how you feel. So in that sense you are not alone.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi there,

Your sitch sounds similiar to mine...when you said

Six weeks ago, H told me (I pulled it out of him because he's been acting odd) that he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife--that he did, but he doesn't anymore--whatever that means. He claims the love expressed in his letters were written partially to convince himself that he felt that way.

Anyway, our sex life has improved enormously since his revelation, which to me is a good sign (but to him doesn't translate into the kind of love he needs to feel.)

My BF also said this, that he did love me like a BF should, but he doesnt any more. Also, anniversary cards, he also said he meant what he wrote but also because he WANTED to feel like that and for it to be ok. Our sex life had also became more passionate, but he was carefull to remind me that it didnt mean anything, he was still leaving me. I guess men compartmentalise.

I couldnt get my BF to MC, so well done for that. If I had got my BF to go, my plan was to just listen, let the C try and get him to express whats going on. Personally I wouldnt want waste the session talking about practical issues, but underlying issues?

I guess you must take heart that your H is still there, you have an opportunity to try the techniques. No, I dont have the book...is it worth buying if your partner has already left? Thankyou for saying I am not alone, I was in a mess when my BF was still here, he had become like a stranger. So I'm not surprised you are finding it hard. In terms of the 180, has he given you any clues about what made him feel this way toward you, so you can switch it around?

..I am struggling with the notion that someone you've known and cared deeply about for 12 years (and my sitch sounds like you - we were friends first so always had a friendship and loving respect for one another in our R).. and they about you..how could they switch that care off, just wake up one morning and no longer love you ? After everything we'd been through.. Its incomprehensible.

Good luck with the session.
----------------------
Me: 36
H: 34
T: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Moved out: 15 Nov 07
NC: 1 Jan 08

[kaycie]

THE PROB IS MOST NEWBIES THINK IT DOESNT APPLY TO THEIR SITUATION...THEIRS IS SOMEHOW DIFFERENT. IVE GONE ROUND AND ROUND W/ SEVERAL THIS FALL....WILL THEY READ AND LISTEN???? I HOPE SO.

NC DOES NOT SEND THE WAS FARTHER AWAY...YES THEY MAY GO DEEPER IN THE TUNNEL W/OP...THAT NEWBIES IS PART OF THE JOURNEY. IT IS A PART OF THE CRISIS THEY MUST GO THRU

Amen... I was that newbie who read it all here and many other places but never put it into action over the past year because... well.. you guessed it my situation was different... YEAH RIGHT. Now that I am here still a year later I am basically putting a LRT to myself.. I sayto myself backing up hurts but I can either back up and be better for myself and maybe have my marriage back (best case scenario) or I can back up and be better for myself incase there is no more marriage... either way I need to be better for myself. Either way I know that over the past LITTLE while that I have been trying not to let my emotions guide my actions at least I feel much better for ME!

[newnamenewlife]

I'm posting this here too because I am completely confused about what to do. H & I are supposed to go to our MC together tomorrow. I am not sure we should go since he seems in the same place as when we began (actually, deeper in the tunnel now).

Our MC has been seeing us individually for weeks because the joint sessions were going nowhere. H would say something is missing in him and it's not my fault, but nothing will help, and I would go on about all the great things in our M and why doesn't he see that and why won't he do John Gottman's program, blah, blah. We talked about his feelings and things he's kept inside, problems we've had--which I acknowledge are real--but when I offered to work on those patterns, etc, or apologize, he came back to the emptiness in him and how I can't do anything about
that.

We never talk about our R at home and so the only reason I would go is because I feel like I try to read his mind. I want to know what he's thinking--but then again I don't because I know whatever he has to say will hurt. Still, something feels like it has to shift right now, and be openly acknowledged by both of us, as we are totally stuck. I am trying the DB approach the best that I can--but it is incredibly hard not to check in once in a while and find out what he is thinking. It seems safer to do this with the MC than alone.

We like our MC, but I wonder what would happen if she had a more solution-oriented approach? Would H have participated in exercises and stuff? Now I'm worried that our MC is one of those who is doing more harm than good. IF we'd found a better MC, would we be doing better right now?

Bottom line: Do we go together tomorrow or not?????

[newnamenewlife]

Last night I slept on the couch for the first time. We went to MC on Wed and I lost all DB cool--sobbed, tried to point things out about what he will lose--total backslide.

However, even though H still insists he doesn't lov me the right way and he can't work on our M, he did vow to try to be more present and less ghostlike w/me at home (I told him I felt like a widow.)

I didn't say anything, but it felt like was a tiny piece of progress. Yesterday we were relaxed and laughing and had a great evening with the kids. But then I felt like I had to pull back because everytime we seem like "us" again, I do get all hopeful and forget all the weird things he has said. So I thought about what I could do as a 180 and decided I would not come up to bed, but would sleep on the couch. I didn't announce it, I just did it. When he came to say he was going up to bed, I kind of mumbled as if i'd be coming up soon, but I stayed on the couch until 5am. When I returned to bed, he didn't say anything. He came down to bkfst and smiled and kissed me good morning.

I am so lost myself. I slept on the sofa for two reasons: 1) to get his attention 2) because I have come to hate being in the same bed with him. He will hold me for a few minutes, but otherwise he turns his back to me and it hurts.

So, do I keep up the sofa sleeping? It seems like the road to separation, which is NOT what I want--but I figure if it is inevitable, I should get used to sleeping alone. I also think he needs to experience the realities of separation before he can even begin to see what he is doing. Moving out is not an option for either of us right now for money and kid reasons.

Advice, please!!

[Treese]

lmg;

OK, I've learned to sleep by myself, it's not all bad except I would love to just lay with my H...He has NOT been in bed with me for 7 months....and according to him he never will come back to it.
So, am I DBing for nothing, is he noticing any of my changes and not saying anything...does he think I won't continue them??Heck, I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TALK TO ME.....he says if he hugs me, kisses me, holds me or ML then I will think everything is okay.. who is he kidding...I am well aware things are bad, really bad but I want to work on them....and the only answers I get are, "I don't know", and "I can't help the way I feel". He WONT talk to me...but he'll spill our whole life to OW.

Does he really care what people think and doesnt want me to know that. or does he really not care???

Sorry, just venting..


Treese