Today was incredible with W. We went to the chinese carnival at S7's chinese language school and had a good time. We ate afterwards at a chinese restaurant and enjoyed ourselves. When we got home we did the family things we used to do on a sunday evening. After the kids got to bed, we talked about many things concerning our divorce, our R and her A.
It started off a bit with the new crazy W as she was very upset at the way I canceled credit cards and bringing my cats back into the house without consulting her. But I got her to calm down and was able to talk with the old W for a couple hours tonight. This was the same rational W I feel in love with. She honestly told me that OM is just an EA now and has never gotten to be a PA. She does say that the OM is a really nice guy that listens and understands her. She admits that she lives about half of her time at his house but that they have never slept together as there may be some physical attraction or physical disablilties going on. She admitted that he is indeed 67 years old.
We seem to be ok on our D talks and she sees I am reasonable in all I offer. She wants to hold off the divorce being final until after her dental appointment. She is really ignorant about lawyers and still does not think she will get one.
Finally, I was able to express that it will never be to late for her to change her mind up to the point of our divorce being final. I told her that she and our kids are the greatest thing to happen in my life. I wear my rings not for her, but for the sanctity of my commitment to our marriage. She said that she sees a lot of confidence in me. I told her that I truely believe that she is in a MLC and that she may come out of someday with huge regret. As she left the house tonight, she thanked me and I thanked her for having a really good conversation. We had a nice hug at the door.
I dont know how hopeful to be anymore but tonight was one of the best in a long time with W. Too bad that tomorrow I will probably have to give her divorce papers and a restraining order. At least I have prepared her for the fact that they sound a little hostile when in fact we can change the terms easily.
My lawyer called me to say that the restraining order is now official along with the filing of D.
I made a quick call with W and told her I will meet with my lawyer and then give and have her sign off on the D papers tomorrow. I also told her that I printed out a parenting plan guide and forms. I told her that this should help us in deciding custody times best and is required by our state. I also indicated again that it is up to her whether she really wants to continue with the D which is something that the kids and I dont want. She has so much hesitation in her voice now. The girl is at a massive crossroad in her life.
One other thing from last night I did was ask her opinion of some match.com entries that was interesting to me along with telling her of some gals I would be striking up conversation with if our D becomes final. I also asked W if she could help me in taking some pictures of me for when I am ready to try some of the dating web sites. I want her to see that I am going to move on with no problem if we get a D.
Also, after talking with her friend last night, her friend said W told her that she is loved by 2 people right now (myself and OM) and that she feels like she is a beautiful princess. Her friend told her that she is no princess.
I believe that W's friends will be beating her up over the next few weeks about the huge mistake she is making. I will continue on with the D and have let my W know that I can tell my lawyer to back off anytime she wants time to think this out more.
Today I picked up the D papers from my lawyer to give my W tonight. I got myself a haircut too!
When I dropped off D5 with her afterschool teacher, I asked the teacher how old her father was. She immediatly knew what I was talking about and mentioned that my W told her she was in love with a senior citizen. She told me that she pointed out to my W how sad her face looked and that she is making a huge mistake with her life. The teacher said that I am so strong and am the rock for my kids.
W called me and needed me to take D5 to S7's cub scout pack meeting tonight because she is so stressed right now at work filling in as the lead teacher that she does not have time to be with D5. She has too much to work on at our house for her pre-school class. I told her that there was a stack of D papers that are waiting for her to sign receipt of with a notary on the desk at home. I also told her we need to work on a parenting plan. On top of that, I know when she gets home that she will see my cats sleeping on what used to be our bed (now mine and cats bed) and she will get upset because she thinks cats are discusting vile animals. I actually enjoyed being woken up by one of my cats this morning with it kneading its paws on my chest. My W is starting to get more and more of a taste of what a D is all about.
Also, I forgot that on our nice Sunday night talk, she even said that the OM had tried to get her to return to our marriage. She has really no one that thinks she is making the right choice with her life.
Just wanted to stop in and wish you luck. You seem to be really togther right now and doing good. You feel like I still do with my sitch it just makes no sense and everyone around the WAW is telling her she is doing the wrong thing. The fact is it makes no difference what so ever what everyone else thinks, what the WAW thinks is the only thing that makes a difference. Good Luck.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
When I got home, W had some KFC waiting for me and I noticed that the D papers where off the desk. She told me that she did not like the words that were in the D papers and she would take her time signing receipt for them as she wants someone else to interpret them for her. It is spelled out pretty clearly - I get custody, she pays child support, she pays life insurance on herself with the kids as beneficiaries, no spousal support, equitable division of assets, she pays for her own lawyer, and there is a protective restraining order in place on keeping kids schedule/living arramgement until a parenting plan is agreed on and filed with the court.
She now knows that she has timely actions related to an actual D proceeding to focus on other than just having her cake and eating it too. The whole reality of what a D is about is probably sinking in hard on her. She is well aware that she made this scat sandwich and now she has to eat it.
She has 10 days before my lawyer will be forced to serve her at her work. After she signs receipt, she has a month to respond to the court. Hopefully, she will work with me and we can get this all negotiated in a friendly manner through my lawyer.
She indicates that she is undecided now on whether she really wants a D. I told her it is all in her hands as to delaying or putting a stop to this D. I told her I am proceeding as if we are getting a D. She knows the kids have expressed that they dont want it just as I have expressed my disapproval on the breakup of our family.
I am not really looking ahead to if she wants to stop the D now. I dont know if I could take her back. It will be up to her to convince me. I am just finding too many faults with her that I dont desire anymore. She would have to make a tremendous and miraculous effort and transformation in her attitude and behavior for me to care.
I had a conversation with W tonight about our D and if she has any leanings one way or the other. She said that there is no way she could guarantee that she would not go bar hoping 1, 2 or 5 years down the line. She also acknowleges that she has had anger problems her whole life and that she does not believe she could ever change. She admits that even her mom left to go home early the last time she visited with us because of her anger problem. I am now 100% sure that I am doing the right thing by ending this marriage.
We talked about our parenting plan and seem to be in agreement, but need some more time to get it finalized.
She still is very against lawyers even though she said that she will see one next week. I told her that we should both attempt to be friendly and flexible in getting the financials of our D worked out as the less we use of lawyers that there is more money left over for the both of us.
I told her I will pay her half of the increase in assets since we have been married. I indicated that I can pay her a big down payment and she seemed agreeable to allow me to make the rest in payments with interest. I also told her that I would roll half of my retirement increase since we were married into a retirement account for her. I feel that since she will be moving into the OM house, and he is wealthy, I will not be offering up any spousal support - I did not tell her this. I believe that even though we will be 50/50 on the custody time, that I will still need to make child support payments according to state guidelines. I may be crippled financially for some time and made her aware of it.
As she left the house, I told her I would like to get our D over with as quick as possible so that we and the kids can move on quicker with the next chapter in our lives.
You have the cuttest kids. Keep being the gread dad that you are. Hey after reading your sitch, I have thought of something you need to ask your attorney about. Generally, if you pay alimony it is only good until W moves in with another M or remarries. So you could use this as an advantage for yourself financially. If you can get her to agree to sole custody for you, or more nights with you then her, that will save in child support, which goes until they are 18 basically. But if she will give on the kid front in exchange for more alimony, alimony can end shortly or after a few years when she remarries or moves in with someone. I would ask your Attorney about this and keep it from W.
I was planning on using this until I found that I wouldn't owe W any alimony to begin with and joint custody was the standard.
Ya, I can see a lot of similarities between our sitch's. My W isn't working anything out for herself and keeps goig through men like tissue paper. Even her new friends, all going through, or having gone through a D, think she is making a mistake. They were all beaten by their H's, nice guys! But they think I'm trying and a good guy, without haveing even meet me, and that W is tossing away a good M. Well too bad.
You know the WAS gets addicted to that dopamine rush, and they can't quit. Slowly over time that doesn't do it, just like any drug, and then they will do it to the OM to feel the rush again. This will continue until they decide to stop running. It's really sad, but their choice. Can't help someone who doesn't want help themselves.
I didn't follow your last couple posts well. Are you having custody or your wife. I thought it was you, but then you talked about how you would be making child support payments. You have her by the short hairs. Make sure that the things you agree to are not just in your wife's best interests or to show what a great guy you are. You have to look out for yourself, because she sure as he&& isn't going to.
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She indicates that she is undecided now on whether she really wants a D. I told her it is all in her hands as to delaying or putting a stop to this D. I told her I am proceeding as if we are getting a D. She knows the kids have expressed that they dont want it just as I have expressed my disapproval on the breakup of our family.
Kerry, I struggle with you giving her the power to decide any of this. You keep telling her this as though it's solely a ploy or something. You have a say in the matter also...in fact, it's mainly your say. Do you want this divorce or not, regardless of what your wife wants? If she wants a divorce, she can go the lawyer route. If you want it, then go ahead, but quit telling her she can stop it, especially if you aren't sure you really even want her. Right now, she doesn't sound like she's much of a prize.
Kerry, one more 2x4 (sorry, I'm just a 2x4 kind of guy I guess): I still sense a fair amount of manipulation with your actions. Yeah, I know DB seems like manipulation at times, but in some things you have to be true to yourself. Asking her to take your picture for a dating site doesn't really send any message except "I'm already going to be looking for your replacement". It was actually a little bit of a kick to the teeth. Anyone could have taken your picture...why ask your wife? What does that say about your interest in preserving this marriage. Some of your words and actions are in contrast to other words like "you can still stop this divorce at any time". Why would she? You'll start dating as soon as the ink dries on the divorce decree. I can honestly see kicking her to the curb, but you need to decide if that's what you are doing or if you want to save your marriage. It's just too confusing otherwise. Hope that wasn't too harsh.
My opinion is that it's too soon to date, but hey, I'm a hypocrite since I dated too soon also. From personal experience, a little time on your own, without the entanglements of dating, is worthwhile.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks Atlas. I do need to have a serious talk with my lawyer now about a financial strategy. My W finally told me she is going to talk to a lawyer next week.
Just this morning, I asked about what my kids living arrangement will be at the OM house. She says that right now he is going to build a new big house next to his on the lake and that he will be designing it with the kids bedrooms in mind. For the time being, the kids will share one bedroom. I then asked my wife if she plans to marry OM and she said she does not want to. I asked if he wanted to marry her and she said yes. I cant help but use logic, so I then asked her what is in it for the OM if he cant get an R commitment from her. She did not know. I told her if she does not want to keep moving from man to man that she needs to commit herself to this one and give him her love and dedication. I have a hard time seeing their R lasting long, but that is not my problem. It just bothers me that my kids might be affected by this.
Thanks for the 2x4 - please feel free to use a pressure treated 2x6.
After last night, we both have clarity about ending our M. I told her that I would not want her back and that I will not remarry her if she changes.
You are probably right about dating too soon. I guess some of my desire is I feel lonely for the embrace of another woman. I have told myself that once the D is final that I will go see my C to determine when to start dating again and what to watch out for. I talked with a divorced friend of mine last night and he said that dating is not all that it is cracked up to be. He said that his experience with online dating is that there are a lot of women that use older pictures and when you meet them you are in for quite a surprise. He also said there is a good amount of plan crazy women. I may just test the waters some by being a little more friendly with gals I encounter, but I dont want to get involved in anything for a while.
