I dont think it has anything to do with my W being Asian - she shows the same WAW symptoms of many others I read about on this forum. My W has had some email conversations with a male friend she used to know Thailand but that was platonic. My W has more interest in older caucasian men she meets in bars here in the USA.
My W was also so committed to me and our family and then something changed drastically that I cant figure out. I think it is that she got a job and started going out clubbing with co-workers and developed an addiction to the attention she was getting from the men in bars.
Can you communicate with her mother or nephew? I so wish I could talk with my MIL. My W has hardly talked much with her own mother since this was all found out. Her mother has pretty much disowned her.
Kerry, you are doing so well. Look back on your old posts and see how much you've grown and how much more happy you are with yourself. You should be very proud of your accomplishments. You and your kids will be very happy whatever happens.
I'm also glad that you have come to terms with the fact that you do not want to stay married or consider a R with your current W. If she evolves and changes as you have done she will be a different person. If the both of you choose to reconcile later you both will be different people. It is an important thing to understand. I think that is part of why my H decided to give our M another go. I made some major revelations about myself and some significant changes (all for the better in my opinion) and then he (and I) were ready to make a fresh start.
Stay strong. Stay happy. Peace.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
Thanks TB. As I pointed out to my W last night, time is a great healer and there is no telling where the 2 of us might be in a few years. If we get back together, it will be a new R.
I wrote a cheer up card for W today along with returning some of the pictures of herself and us that I had in my office. I explained in the card that no matter which way we go, that I will still be a friend that she can talk to anytime or provide a shoulder she can cry on. Nine years of marriage is not something one can just throw away and forget.
W took me out to lunch today and payed with her new credit card. We had a very good conversation. OM loves her but she does not love OM. OM talked with her last night and told her that I was a good guy and that she should consider coming back to me. He could tell I was different than most guys by the way I am wanting so much time with the kids in our parenting plan. He told her most guys (probably him I bet) would be off doing their own things following a D.
I told her that there still is a crack in the door and there is path back to restore our marriage and her standing with people that think she is bad. I told her there would be work to done by both of us, the R would not be the same it was and that there is the condition that she cant ever go bar hoping. She is so lost right now on what she wants. She is looking for any admitance from me that our kids are better off living in 2 different homes with divorced parents. I told her that she needs to think long and hard about where she is going with her life. Do you not want to be in a happy marriage with someone for life?
She is seeing her lawyer this afternoon. I hope she eventually sees a counselor so she can get help in sorting out what is important in life.
So she calls me after lunch and wants me home early from my workout so she can get an early start on the night clubbing. This woman needs to find herself badly.
I only read a brief snippet of your sitch, I will go back and re-read, but I hope you DON'T end your workout early to let her go club hopping. Not to be vindictive, necessarily, but bc you would be sacrificing something positive that you enjoy so she can do something less-than-positive instead.
Your sitch is an odd one...OM telling W she should try with you? W really thinks kids will be better off with D'd parents?
Anyway, sounds like your W is very lost as you say. She certainly doesn't sound very happy, bar hopping and hanging out with an OM that she admits she'll never love. Perhaps one day she will find herself and figure out what she wants out of life. You on the other hand sound real good. Keep on keepin on.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
I think I need to go to Home Depot and use my xmas gift certificate to buy some 2x4's so that my friends and family can knock some sense in me.
This last week, I have gotten indications from my W that makes me think she could be leaning towards coming back. I now am encouraging her to give it deep thought. I have told her that there is still a crack in the door to my heart, there is a road back to restoring our marriage which I know we can travel together and that I dont want my family broken up. She still thinks it is too late, but I have talked with her 2 good friends and they believe like me - she is at a huge crossroads. She needs to decide what is going to bring her more happiness in her life - bar flirting or family life.
She tells me not to hope too much, but I cant help it. She says that she does not want to get the kids hopes up only to have them get hurt again. I am trying to keep my hopes of reconciliation away from the kids. I ask them how they feel about us getting a D and they both say they are sad. That I know is one thing that all children go through and I know they will be ok no matter what, but I do know that they will be better off if we can restore our family bond.
So in the last 2 days, I have written her a cheer up card (she is so sad lately) and a letter explaining that I believe we can still defeat this divorce and make our R better than ever. Am I being an idiot to want her back after all she has done? I reason with myself and dont want her back as much as I want my family all together. If she cant agree to stop bar hoping/flirting, which seems like an addiction to her now, there is no reason to want her back.
For now, I will be a good friend to W, but will still proceed with the details of our D. I know that she knows my feelings towards all of this and I just need to back off again.
I am by no means an expert, but at this point I would say, as I have read on here before "drop the rope" for now. You gave her a card and a letter. She should be very aware of how you feel. Now give her time to think about that. About 10 days ago I gave my H a sort of "detach w love" letter. Told him he knows my goal is to reunite the family, but right now I have to work on myself and my happiness and that of our kids. Told him I will give him the time and space he needs to work on himself. (He is moving into an apt. to "figure out what he wants from life")Also said I am here to listen if/when he wants to talk. I left it at that. Noticed the next day (we are still in the same house for now) that the letter was not where I left it, and I didn't see it anywhere. A few days later he was cleaning out his truck and brought it in and put it on the table. I asked about it, he said he had taken it with him the day after I gave it to him and was going to put it back w/his things. So they DO read them even if they don't mention them. If you gave her a letter, she knows how you feel. Repeating yourself will just make her feel pressured, is my guess. So even though it stinks, just wait and see what happens, no pressure. And keep on with whatever GAL-180-DB stuff you may be doing. Good luck! I can imagine that in time clubbing will wear thin. My H was seeing the OW for 8 1/2 months. On 12/26 he picked her over me when I issued an ultimatum. On 12/30 he says he ended the A. On 1/15 he actually referred to her as "That PSYCHO", bc she is now pursuing him aggressively/obsessively. So it is amazing how things can change rapidly after being the same for so long.....
The rope is indeed dropped along with her friends knowing that I am wanting our family life back. I will stop bugging her and let her initiate any R talks for now. I will just be a good friend and give supportive hugs. I am sure her friends will have more talks with her that might influence her.
I really believe that my initiating the D as Michelle describes as the very last resort technique has caused my W to have her doubts. At the time I filed, that was not my intention, however, it sure looks to have changed my W quite a bit and caused me to have some hope.
I dont think my W will ever think of the OM in a bad manner as it sounds like he is a pretty good guy.
I feel kind of in limbo now as I had planned to draft a D agreement for financials along with getting her off of other accounts we share. I suppose I should proceed as if the D is still going to happen.
W saw her lawyer yesterday and likes her a lot just like I do mine. She signed receipt of the D papers and her lawyer will get them to my lawyer. Also, her lawyer changed a few details in the parenting plan to make more sense if there is ever a disagreement, however, the same 50/50 time is in place.
This morning, after talking with W for a good amount of time, her and I have reached clarity of our situation. She is certain that she wants to get a D and live on her own. She is going to see into renting a house or an apartment as she cant force herself into OM life right now. She, I and OM all agree that she needs to live life on her own for now to figure out what she wants. She says she respects OM's first wife who D'd him over 20 years ago and has been happy living on her own. I think this is best for my W as she needs to come to terms with herself and what she wants in life. She needs to build self confidence. I will always be there for her as a friend.
So after a good workout this afternoon, I decided it was time and I called up the OM. Him and I had a very good talk of about 40 minutes, and as it turns out, we have a lot in common besides my W. I told him I hold no grudge against him. He is a good man who has 4 grown sons and still is a fatherly figure to the step daughters from his second marriage. He and I both agree that W needs to figure her life out on her own. I expressed to him that I dont consider my W much of a prize for myself anymore and was only hinting she could come back so as to make my family complete. I wished him well in any possible R he may have with my W in the future. He took my phone number and would be glad to talk with me any time.
I called W and told her of my talk with OM. She was shocked at first, but actually I think she finds it a bit ironic that I would be so friendly with him. She was most concerned of what we talked about her. I told her that she might lose this one if she cant learn to love him in time.
It is weird how life turns out sometimes. I really believe that as we move forward through our divorce that everything will work out well and we will remain good friends for life.
I myself feel like I have learned a lot during this process. I have a good idea what to look for in my next romance. It will be a woman that knows that it takes work to keep the love alive after the passion fades and that one needs to be happy before a R and not expect the R to be what brings them happiness.
