Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

FA - thanks for stopping by again. Wow, this sex stuff is tough. I'm going to swing by your thread.


CL -

On the other hand, how does one become intimate again with someone when there has been great distance in the M?

hmmm...good question. I guess this is what I struggle with. I don't even know how to bring it up (hehe, no pun intended) to talk about it with him. I don't want to have a full fledged conversation about it because I'm really not ready for it to be resolved. I'm not ready to jump into bed with him and have at it. But I am cognisant of the fact that there is something MAJOR missing in my M. I wonder if it will ever return. I wonder if we will ever get to the point of a consistent sex life. Life is too short not to have sex. Hell, I had more of it unmarried than married. That sucks majorly. And maybe I'm putting more weight on it than there needs to be. I AM using it as measure of relationship health. I don't know if that's wise or not. I do KNOW that I want my M to have a healthy amount of sex in it. I'm not sure that I can achieve that with my H. That is really what I worry about.

[fooled again]

EM - I know it is really tough stuff. After posting here last night, I decided to reread some of the "Newcomers" forum. I found this:

Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.

I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."

But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

Sorry for the long quote, but there was just so much in there that related to our discussion. I guess that is how I see it too, as a connection. My H said that to me the first time we were together after he moved out. I don't know if that was the only reason he kept coming back to me during the A, and I don't know if I would have preferred that he just left and not kept coming back. But there obviously was something there that he did not want to let go of. I know I would have preferred his honesty, but what's done is done at this point.

I think for you, b/c it has been so long, you both have built it up so much that it is a very big deal, and you are both very nervous about it, kindof like when we were all virgins. CL has a point, how do you bridge that gap after so long? Bit by bit, like everything else we have to do here. Do you hold hands? Kiss and hug? Scratch each other's backs? Touch is a great connector, and becoming more comfortable touching each other is probably the first step.

I have the physical connection, but not so much the communication connection with my H. Which is better? I envy your position, only because it is I am not satisfied with in my M right now. But I truly believe that if you can communicate with each other, it the physical part will come (pardon the pun). And a really good bottle of wine!

FA

BTW, thanks for stopping by my thread. Your insight is very helpful.

[ediemarie]

Hi! Thanks for sending this my way. I read this awhile ago too. It's a good reminder.

I think for you, b/c it has been so long, you both have built it up so much that it is a very big deal, and you are both very nervous about it

Yup. I'm waiting for prom night. lol!

We actually are very affectionate towards each other. We kiss, hug, cuddle, and both really enjoy it. Our communication is pretty good. Although, I can always use help with listening more. That is a huge focus of mine - to listen without commenting. I need to get back to doing that.

I do see sex as a huge hurdle and I guess it's b/c H stopped pursuing me once OW was in the picture - he didn't want to cheat on her - sick, I know. And like I said, aside from a few flirty moves I don't pursue him. I don't want to create a power struggle - me wanting, pushing him, and him walking away. I try to give him as much distance as possible. Perhaps when I'm truly ready, I should 180 this. I'm not truly ready. I don't think H is either. Just a little over a month ago he was still struggling with fully committing to our M. While I can see him making progress, I don't believe he is fully there yet. I'll just have to keep waiting...first weekend of February will be 24 months...wow! 24 months.

Thanks for the encouragement!

[fooled again]

Hi Em, Wow, do I understand what you must be feeling. The last thing you need after all you've been through is for H to reject your advances. It really does suck, but the affection you share sounds really, really good and it will pave the way to more intimacy. I guess it really is all about recognizing small steps, like I keep reading in DR.

I share your struggle with the listening - I actually have to remind myself (in my head, of course) to shut up and not immediately say something in reaction to what my H says. I have a tendency to not let him finish his sentences. I've also been trying to speak more slowly and calmly, especially when I'm upset - my H seems to listen better when I talk that way.

I was just looking at your signature and noticed that your H's A lasted about as long and during the same approximate time as my H's A, as well as that of Limbo's H's A. I wonder if there was some evil cosmic force going on during that time?

Yet I seem to be way more screwed up right now than either of you. I guess I just haven't spent enough time on me, GAL-ing.

You should be really proud of your patience. I am.

[ediemarie]

'been having a tough week. Nothing seems to be working. I feel insecure and inadequate. Everything is OK with H. Nothing new to report. H has been hating going to work - so he just stayed home Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. He just doesn't get the joy of being there that he used to. This morning he even mentioned quitting. For those of you that have been following my sitch, you'll know that in the past I have BEGGED him to quit (OW works there). I haven't mentioned ONE word about him quitting since November. I've actually encouraged him to stay, to thrive there, to enjoy his time there. He told me this morning that he HATES going. It doesn't feel right. He knows I don't like it (even though I don't tell him I hate it) and he's having a difficult time handling that. All well. There isn't anything I can do to fix that. I just told him to do what he thinks he is right and left it at that. Such a 180 for me. I think in the past, he felt uncomfortable going to work with OW, but felt that way because he knew he was going to have to hear crap from me about it. Now, I've removed myself from being the "cause of the pain" and he *still* doesn't like going. Perhaps you're not comfortable working with OW, h? Just a thought...

I just am having a difficult time at work. Mid-terms are coming up; I have tons to grade, and I am having a hard time relating to fellow co-workers. I feel like everything I say is misconstrued or misinterpreted, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, people think I'm after them or fighting with them. And I don't intend to communicate this stuff. Even now I feel like I can't even express this clearly. I'm just trudging up hill. Insecure and inadequate. BUT on the bright side - I have NO complaints about home, except for that sex thing...but, sigh, maybe ONE day...this too shall pass.

[LL44]

Hi em, hope your weekEND is better than your week! Sounds like H is getting tired of working around OW. Probably constant reminders of not-so-good times. Good job staying out of his mess, he should clean it up. That pesky sex thing....it shall pass....

[cat03]

hey hon, another sexless wonder talking, sigh, have not had any since August. The first time my H came back in 06 I did initiate and was able to have a semi normal SL (at the time I didnt' know but he was mourning the death of the A and S from ow)

This time around I am hesitant about starting ML, we are just beginning to get close, we actually sleep in the same bed and it is a huge improvement to cuddle and hug (got nothing the past months), prior to my latest bomb it was understood that he wasnt' ready, I also had a few mini meltdowns and we did talk about it.

I think you should bring it up in the most gentle non accusatory way you can muster it, I assumed for the longest time I was giving my H time and time went by and nothing got better. Talk about it, don't leave anything to chance, it's been too freaking long!

I won't initiate, this time around my H needs to initiate for me to feel this time it is for real since we've been through 2 bombs already, this is what works for me, I understand that in my sitch we need to learn to communicate and begin emotional intimacy before we have physical intimacy.

Are you guys seeing a MC at all? this would be a good reason to start seeing one. Hugs hon)))))

[ediemarie]

Hi Ladies - thank you for stopping by and encouraging me!

aahhh...the sex talk. We had one a couple of weeks ago. He said he knows it's important to me and it is important to him, he just isn't ready to move in that direction. He said, he just isn't feeling it. He's lost all desire. I don't know how true that is, but I can imagine that if I were in his shoes, I probably wouldn't feel so sexy either. But then, I've never been in HIS shoes, so I don't know for sure. So, I'm going to keep quiet about it for a little longer. I'm sure I'll make it through the 24 months with flying colors...On the other hand, I can't even IMAGINE what it's like to have sex with him...it scares me. I start going down that path in my head and then BAM OW enters the picture - and it's not a visual I want to keep.
MC is out of the question - h doesn't think we need it - no sex in 24 months AND an A?!! Right, we don't need counseling.

Anyway, I'm rambling. We're enjoying our time together today. H did laundry and cleaned up a bit - I've been doing some school work. We really are enjoying our time together. If we were 90, I'd say we have the perfect marriage...sigh...

[ediemarie]

P.S. is anyone else watching the Seatle/Green Bay game? Oh my goodness...

[LL44]

I can't even IMAGINE what it's like to have sex with him...it scares me. I start going down that path in my head and then BAM OW enters the picture - and it's not a visual I want to keep

Ah yes, the visuals. I don't think they will ever go away. I think the raw pain will eventually become a 'twinge' in the far future. I can hope.

Just keep on keeping on. Piecing is so hard. Its scary because there is no easy road - divorcing or piecing. I am thinking of you.