So, I did it - no not IT. Prom day is still months away, i presume
I snooped. It has been months (probably August) since I actually snooped my H's cell phone or his email account. Last night H didn't call me on his way home from work. He is very good about calling the minute he leaves work (usually between 5:10 and 5:20). By 5:25 I still hadn't heard from him. I called his cell but it was off. Panic set in. Within 5 minutes I was into his email address, bank account, and cell phone records. Yuck. I was obsessed. There I was panic stricken and insecure all over again. And I hated it. I let that girl go months ago and one night of H not calling and I took a downward spiral. Yuck. The good thing? I found nothing. Absolutely nothing. He's clean as a whistle. And he walked through the door at 5:30 - his cell phone was dead, he needed to recharge it. He apologized for not calling and not planning better. I didn't mention my panic attack, just welcomed him home with a hug and kiss. I don't want to live my life panicking every time he doesn't do something he says he's going to.
Any words of advice of how to let this stuff go? Or do I just wait it out? Does it get better with time? I don't want to be paranoid. I don't want to worry about it.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I will get easier! I still have my moments, but they are certainly less often, and less intense. I think for me, I have in my mind decided that the roller coaster has stopped, meaning right now I believe he is truly with me again. But if there is ever a "next time" that will be it, over. So I have just decided to try and sit back and relax and enjoy what I have now.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
EM, I think before one can let go of something they have to be willing to accept it. Snooping is a behavioral reaction to an uncomfortable emotion which triggers rumination, which triggers the snooping. You're trying to make discomfort go away.
Think about the emotional responses you're having to your situation. Give them a label. Decide what you want to do with the emotion--let it pass, tolerate the discomfort, decide if there's a problem worth solving, or something else.
With snooping, fear is probably the underlying emotion. Articulate, move into the fear, and increase your awareness of your thoughts. You will then know what to do.
You must practice approaching an emotion and accepting it as a natural response to something before you can begin to let go of your reactions (thoughts, judgments, opinions).
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi Everyone! Thanks for swinging by! Saffie and Limbo - ladies, thank you. I know you both know how it feels. I guess I was just taken by surprise. I haven't felt that way in MONTHS and then panick set in.
CL - thank you. Your insight is very helpful. I've been thinking about your words all weekend and really concentrating on the feelings I have been feeling. Your words "Decide what you want to do with the emotion--let it pass, tolerate the discomfort, decide if there's a problem worth solving, or something else," have been particularly helpful. I've been practicing with day to day interactions, not just with H, but with others (I know, I'm a dork...just need to get my arms around this) but processing is good.
I guess this whole incident is just reminding me that I'm a work in progress. That's a positive thing to be reminded of.
Had a pretty good day. H and I just kicked around town. Had some friends over last night, today we went out for breakfast, grocery shopping, shoe shopping, just fun stuff. Tonight we watched Far from Heaven. If you have been the victim of, or a participant in an affair, don't watch it. We made it through ok. It was the first time since his A that we were able to watch a movie with an affair incident. We have stopped countless movies mid-stream due to nature of the material. Anyway, that was a bit strange at times, but overall ok.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend! Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
It was the first time since his A that we were able to watch a movie with an affair incident. We have stopped countless movies mid-stream due to nature of the material
That is why H and I don't watch Greys Anatomy together anymore. I couldn't watch it at all for a bit, but am back now. I don't know if H watches it.
Songs on the radio are hard when we are in the car together. I never noticed how many songs are about failed relationships. lol
H took me to see Aspects of Love at the Theatre as a romantic outing. Neither of us knew the plot. By the end H couldn't have been sitting any lower in his chair if he tried - the whole thing is about everyone sleeping with everyone else!!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Oh thank god I thought I was gonna go crazy. listening to music and watching TV has been difficult. How many times I wanted to turn the radio off or the TV. Thought maybe I was just over thinking...guess not.Thanks guys!
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
It is amazing how prevalent adulterous themes are in our culture. I'm not so convinced though that these particular artistic accomplisments are imitating life or if life is imitating the art. Hard to tell. Granted having affairs has been around since the age of humans, but I wonder about the degree of acceptance our culture has for it. Almost every blockbuster movie has some sort of A theme in it - even the last Superman had an incident with an A - *poor* Lois Lane had to make a *tough* choice (read this dripping with sarcasm). Last night H and I watched How Green Was My Valley - an academy award winning movie from the 40's - great movie, but one of the characters married a man she didn't love and spent her time contemplating leaving her current H for the man she loved - crazy. Even old black and white movies are permeated with the theme.
I think because we, as a culture, see it all around us, all the time, and hear it all the time, we begin to believe that everyone is doing it, it's natural, it's human, it's OK. What I wouldn't do for a movie in which the A goes horribly wrong (like the majority of them do) and the married couple works it out and everyone lives happily ever after...hmmm...
--------- I've been thinking lately that a trip may spice up our sex life. So yesterday I casually said to H, why don't we ever travel anymore? I used to really like traveling with you. And he said, I decided that we wouldn't travel anymore because you really don't like it. ****gasp****While I didn't gasp out loud I could barely breathe in my head - WHAT???!!! I was screaming inside. But instead I said, Sweetness, I love traveling with you. This conversation could have gotten really ugly - I was upset with his decision to unilaterally make the decision of not traveling anymore - and I expressed that kindly. He apologized and the day moved on. In the past a conversation like that really would have ruined the whole day - I was able to keep my emotions in check and move forward. It was nice.
Hope everyone is doing well!
Last edited by ediemarie; 01/28/0803:09 PM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
