piecing for real

[limbo]

New Year, New post!

We had a great New years, went out with friends to a bar, got alittle tipsy(ok alot!!)...But had a great time, lots of dancing and laughs.
At midnight it was good, we hugged and kissed alot, it just seemed good!

We are moving into a new year in what seems to be a way better situation then we were last year, this time last year our situation was dire, my H mental health was very bad, had Jan 9th he left, and threatened to kill himself...It was a hell I wouldn't want to visit again!
But now here we are, we seem to be moving in the right direction.
H says that he is happy with me and in being with me. And I am happy too.

One thing I am realizing, and I have read it in a few threads here to is that the pain never goes away, not really, it lessens, you push it down but it is still there.
The last few nights when I go to bed I seem to be struggling with memories, thoughts. They seem to be so fresh, and so strong.
I am not sure if its because of being in a new year, so it brings back what the last year was like.
I think to, that for me its still the fear, its still the thought that there has been so many times that he said he was with me, only to find he wasn't.
What is to stop it happening again, whats to stop him the next time some women shows him attention that he wount go running again.
I try not to focus on this, and I try to focus on the here and now, and be grateful for so much that I have.
So I move forward I continue to work on me, and make things better for my kids and my H!

So take heart, this site is a godsend! I thank god for it every day, and it does work.

[cat03]

Glad you had a great new year L!! happy to see good posts.
About fear/neg thoughts, I think this post from 2006 from always14 says it all:

A. You do not NEED your partner. Having a partner in your life is more of a want or a wish than what you really need. If you are going to insist that you need your partner, you will suffer. If you let go of your neediness, you will gain power.

B. You cannot change the past. Leave it where it belongs, in the past. Stop fixing the past, do not dwell in the past. What was done is done. If you really want tomorrow to be different than yesterday, you have to do something different today.

2. Reverse the process. Instead of disagreeing, agree. Instead of talking, listen. Validate whatever partner says. Just agree and shut up. Let go. What you resist it persists.

3. High spirits, cheerfulness and happiness are absoultely necessary. Do something nice for partner with no expectations in return. Show that you are happy with your life, that your happiness does not depend on partners actions or inactions. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM. Show it by being happy, they like you to be happy.

[limbo]

Thanks for that reminder Cat!

I think that we may have had a bit more of a break through last night! We were doing our dialogue question...it was how do I feel when you say no.
It ended up being a pretty big issue especially for me, H does say no to things that I would like to do without discussion or thought really.
So I gave examples, and explained how is makes me feel unimportant, I used our up coming trip as an example, H wants to go to disney again, and I would like to go somewhere else. I said that he knows that it has been a bit of a dream of mine to go to memphis(I know lame), he says I have no intrest in doing that, which allowed me to explain, that even if its something he may not like to do, because its something he knows is important to me that he would be willing to give it a try.
I pointed out that I am really nervous about riding motorbikes, however because its important to him, I am willing to give it a go.
So the light bulb went off for him, he got pretty upset, but not in a bad way, he was upset as he said because he never realized how selfish he has been! He was really getting down on himself, and I was able to turn it to the positive.
I pointed out that if this had been 6 months ago, he would have gotten really pissy, and probably sulked for days, however this time we were able to really talk about it, and we both acted like adults, and saw it for what it was.
At which point I think we was pleased how in fact we did handle this, and its really showed us how far we have come, he will take this heart and make a change for the positive, whereas before he would have sulked for days, and nothing would have been resolved.

So Retrouvaille is still helping us big time, it does give you tools that you don't stop building on....H and I have never been able to communicate like that in our entire marriage!

[Heartbroken]

Limbo,

I am so happy for you! Sounds like 2008 is off to a great start!

I too am doing very well - getting many ILY's from the H - it's funny how we take that for granted (being able to say ILY) and now when he says it I sometimes just well up with tears of joy. Over Xmas break he thanked me for not giving up on him...He says he's going to make it up to me and I replied I hope so.... Right now I am happy being loved! The best thing we did was shelter our kids from most of this. Since he came home in July they really did not know how close he was to ending it once again and now we do not have to share that with them...

Have a great week!

HB

[limbo]

Hi All,

Haven't posted for awhile...things have been moving along well.
I think that sometimes its important to post just to let people know that this can work, and also the retrouvaille program.

We dialogued last night, and talked about what emotions or feelings that we don't like in ourselves, and have a hard time dealing with.
H said guilt, he still has alot of guilt, at which point he really talked about it, which isn't something he would have ever done before.
He said that he still has what happened come into his head at least 5 times aday, and I asked do you mean think about her, he said no, not at all, but what he did to us, and how he behaved was totally against how he had been brought up, and against who he thought he was.
We also talked alittle about how I feel, I said that its the same for me, that it still comes into my head, but its no longer unmanageable, and that I can usually move the thoughts out fairly quick, and I don't dwell on it like I used to,. I also said that my biggest problems seem to be around certain dates, so he asked how did you cope with the 9th! This was the day he had threatened to kill himself, and we had to get the police involved...I was suprised, that he would even acknowledge it! So I said it was a hard day, but not as hard as I though, and I got through it and we have moved on.
He was the same way!

So I guess that the point I want to get to is that all of this can work, if you stick with it...and if you can get into the retrouvaille it can do nothing but good! It has given us a tool that has allowed us to communicate like we have never done before.
I truly feel that we are now really building a grown up relationship, and that we will talk and communicate like never before!!

So keep strong!!!

[saffie]

Limbo,

You are an inspiration.

[On The Way back]

Good Morning,

That is great and I could not be happier for you, as you say it is an inspiration and it keeps us going in the tougher moments when we know that our partners can return to their old selves.

That is something I have struggled with so much is how they change their views and themselves to do all the things they do,

Great that he is coming back to his jolly old self,

Have a wonderful weekend, and I will try the same, and a hug

H

[Sara]

I agree with you Limbo. If we had not gone to Retrouvaille and learned to communicate correctly, we would not be married and happy together now. There was no way that we would have figured it out ourselves. We had been together almost 30 years and we never figured out how to ask questions and listen to the answers without framing a comeback in our heads as the other person spoke. Our marriage was a tug of war, not a partnership. Now we understand that we are working together for a common goal. In retrospect I can't believe how little time it took to go to Retrouvaille and learn how to get along, compared to wasting all those years unhappy together.

[limbo]

Sara you are so right, why can't this information be easier to get, and why isn't this program better advertised!
We have been given a tremendous gift by having this knowledge, and I do believe that we will only get stronger.
Its true, we no longer form "comebacks" we listen and we really talk to each other.
When my H opened up last night it really showed me how far we and especially he has come, we would never have talked like that.
I really have true hope and happiness!

[peaceful_spirit]

Limbo,
Sounds all very positive. The way the two of you are talking about your needs and inner demons will bring you close.

As for your thoughts and fears (i.e. what's to stop it from happening again...), I think we all feel that way. I know i do. But we need to find a healthy way of telling ourselves that we can only control ourselves. We are accountable for OUR role in our M, not our spouse's. This takes work, but you can do it.

Your communication with your H sounds great. Keep it going. Remember, M is hard work - every day.