You're not at all longwinded, limbo. But then I'm a big talker myself, so I appreciate someone else who is also. That's how you get all the important details, right?
Originally Posted By: limbo
I told him I just feel like running, leaving it all behind...he never flinched, he talked to me calmly, trying to help... ...he wanted me not to have to worry about us... ...He also told me he doesn't want me to let things get to this point again, and he wants me to tell him when I feel like this.
limbo, this is terrific for you! Finally you are getting a taste of what it's like to have a partner, a real partner. Someone who is always right in there with you when things get tough. Someone who supports you unconditionally. Someone who doesn't jump to the conclusion that if you're having a hard time then you must be doing something wrong, but instead perceives that you're a good, hardworking person who has got too much coming at her and needs some help with it.
The funny thing is, that IS the kind of partner my H always was for me, throughout the entire marriage. That's why it was so stunning for me to discover the yearlong EMA. The thing that saved me from a really ruinous emotional reaction to the marriage crisis was all the reading and research I did on male MLC, especially all the personal stories from both LBS and WS. The more I read, the more did I notice the commonalities of both words and actions of the MLC male during the crisis -- the men themselves and their marriages did not always have anything in common, but the symptomatology before and during the crisis was spot on. I found myself saying out loud from time to time "Do they all read the same textbook!" That is a trite expression of frustrated & angry LBS, but for me it was reassuring -- to be able to regard what was happening to H as some kind of a 'syndrome', something visited upon him from which he would hopefully recover -- that is what calmed me down during this past year.
I am looking forward to the Retrouvaille experience. It's hard to know exactly what we will get out of it, but lately I've been thinking it might be something along the line of learning/obtaining the tools for H to open up more to me and for me to be more emotionally supportive of him, once I find out what his needs are. In the marriage, H was always the nurturer and I was always the one who needed and accepted nurturing. Both of us settled for that, probably not a good or healthy relationship for the long haul.
When we went they said whats the worst that could happen? You wount be any worse of then you were before you went. It will take work from you both, but I am sure that you can do it!
I was able to hold myself together better in some ways when we were in the worst of it...I think you are running on emotion and deperation, and it keeps you going. But once the 'crisis' is over I seem to crumble... I think I am just tried of trying to juggle everything that it catches up to me!!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I was able to hold myself together better in some ways when we were in the worst of it...I think you are running on emotion and deperation, and it keeps you going. But once the 'crisis' is over I seem to crumble... I think I am just tried of trying to juggle everything that it catches up to me!!
limbo, you aren't used to having a real partner yet, someone who will back you unconditionally when you're feeling overwhelmed and overextended. Why don't you give H a chance to support you now. Tell him how it is for you with so many demands on your time and attention and energy, and ask him if he will help you. Then let him help you. (Warning: this might take a little getting used to!)
I am not used to having a partner, and its very strange! I did share with him how I was feeling, that I am just running around trying to make sure everyone is ok...and feel like I am running myself into the ground! He said that he is going to pick up the slack, and that he for long enough has been only worrying about it! So it was quite something, for him to admit that was huge.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
And then did you accept his help unconditionally? This is the hard part. Another person might have different ideas from ours about how things should be accomplished -- but give him a chance. Try it, you might like it!
I'm interested in knowing how your presentation went. What was your topic? What did you learn in doing it? I've heard that writing your story is the best way to finally let go of all the anger and hurt. My H still refuses to do a presentation. I know he is embarassed to say in public what he did. I am too. But I would do it because it helps others so much. That talk you had with your husband the other night was very impressive. Not many people could do that. You two are Retrouvaille graduates summa cum laude!
Thanks for dropping by! The presentation went really well, the group was impressed with it! We did it on building a good relationship, we both like the article we found to base it on, because it talked about needing to change and grow, how the person we are with is what we need in our life right now to help us change and grow. Also it spoke about how we have to separate our partners behaviours from who they are. How we will love each other always, but we don't like what they are doing(in general terms) and in being able to do that we are able to start along the road to unconditional love. I think that at some point we will tell our story, I could do it now, but I don't think H is ready for that yet. So I will not push him. Our core leaders said that it took them 2 years before they could. H said that he really enjoyed working on this with me, that he really felt that we have turned a corner by doing it! So I think in getting a couple of these under our belt H may feel better able to tell our story! I am so thankful for the retrouvaille program, without I do believe we would definately not be together now. This board and that program are the best things to have happened to me!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
That sounds great. I unwittingly did something good last night. I walked into the bedroom where H was lying on the bed with the TV on, and a commercial for eHarmony was came on. I said, "I could contact those people and they would send me a new husband as easy as ordering a pizza." And he said, "Why don't you?" And I said, "Because I'm too attached to you." So he said, "No, you're not attached. You're all the way over there." And I said, "No, I've been married to you for 28 years, I couldn't imagine wanting another man." Well, it prattled on a little longer, and then I went and took a bath.....and he joined me. And then we had pretty passionate sex.
Before Retrouvaille, I never would have just said something nice like that to him. I would have said something snippy, or self-centered. But after Retrouvaille, saying nice things just comes easier. It does make life better.
We thank each other alot more for things, something we never did! we tell each that we appreciate what the other has done. Sometimes I wonder if it seems fake, but it doesn't, because we got to the bad places by taking each other forgranted, and now we appreciate each other. And that is so important! A marriage takes work! and that now what we are truly doing!!
My h also made a comment, how he is really suprised how we have stuck to the retrouvaille, normally we would be gung ho for something to begin with, but eventually just stop, but with this we have really committed to it! we don't dialogue every night, but we still at least 3 times a week!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Wow! That is excellent. No wonder you are having such a good result. We don't dialogue unless one of us suggests it at this point. But I miss it. It was something that we did together -- a real sharing. Now we spend a lot of time alone again. It's not good. That's why last night was important. I think I will suggest that we should dialogue once a week to stay in the habit.
