Also, I would suggest ending the separation as soon as possible. She will be less likely to see changes in you and see you GALing if you are separated.
Hi O-mark,
If you have any idea how to do this, I'd be happy to hear it! She has actually mentioned coming home 3 times now, followed with telling me it would make her feel trapped and she just can't. I've always told her it was too early and we should just spend time together first. This was all before I knew about A though.
Hey GFI! Thanks for stopping by my new thread. Looks like I'm back to being a newbie in the advice department! Still keeping my PMA and GAL, though. Started bike training last weekend.
Originally Posted By: GFI
I think I'm in with O-Mark above - lay off the overt wooing / courting bit which might be interpreted as pursuing. What would happen if you were to turn down the heat a bit and invest that effort in your PMA and GALing.
Okay, I'll think about that advice more seriously. I'm not pursuing, keeping things very calm - suggesting doing something once a week because DR says if you've been neglecting, you need to show interest. But since we're separated, maybe she needs to think more about everything she's losing. That's what I was doing, but it seemed like it was making her more determined to not see any of my changes.
Her being so matter of fact about saying she wanted a D caught me off-guard, though. I didn't show it to her, but that combined with A is really ripping me up right now.
But, the universe provides. Got a chance to go to mexico for the weekend, so maybe sitting on the beach in Cabo can help me think more clearly!
If you have any idea how to do this, I'd be happy to hear it!
I don't have any experience with this. I would just behave like the kind of person she would welcome back. No grumpy/surly/moody. No passive-aggressive. Just a cheerful person.
Then, it may be a good idea for you to broach the subject. "Hey, in the past, we have talked about me coming back to the home. Are you willing to help me get this done?" Or words to that effect.
My W is the one who moved out. I think the fact that she really misses being in the house does work in my favor. Every time she has come over, she stays a long time and initiates hand-holding and hugging. I've accepted this but tried not to be overly enthusiastic. When she has brought up the R and we're away from the house, though, she says whenever she thinks of moving back she feels trapped. I've tried to validate her feelings and then say it's too early to think about that.
She's going to stay in the house while I'm gone for a long weekend, then we go to MC next Tuesday.
Okay, my first experience with bad thoughts creeping in. I feel like I'm getting ready to hyperventilate. This is much worse than when I thought I was just dealing with WAW - WAW and A and S sucks!
Will get through it, for better or worse. Can't believe I'm heading to mexico tomorrow to sit on a beach and I hardly care, have hardly thought about it - haven't even started packing.
I know how hard it is to not think about the OP and WAW together, but I really have found it helpful to use the "STOP sign" technique, which I read about either in Divorce Remedy or on these boards.
Whenever you catch yourself worrying or thinking about your W and OP, visualize a large and bright red STOP sign. Tell yourself to stop thinking those thoughts and then physically move to a different position. If you were sitting, stand up and walk to another room. If you are lying on a Mexican beach, get up and jump into the ocean, and shift your mind to the present moment. Find activities that demand some amount of focus and that are calming. For me it is doing yoga or working with clay in my ceramic studio.
If hyperventilation becomes a problem, learning some breathwork in a meditation or yoga class might be really beneficial.
It can be difficult to develop mental discipline, but it is so helpful in the long run.
I wish you peace, and hope that you have a restful time in Mexico.
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Back to rainy weather after lounging on the beaches of mexico for a long weekend. Weird to be down there alone with all the honeymooners, but definitely helped with my GAL. I highly recommend lounging on a beach for your PMA!
And how is this for PMA - I asked my WAW to stay in the house and watch the pets a few days after she announced she wanted a D and she was having an A. And I left the keys to my truck. Have to admit I was feeling a little sick of the whole thing and was hoping she'd just move all her stuff out. But, everything still here. Weird, weird signs - she sliced up a squash I had on the counter and put it in a tupperware in the fridge. Why would someone do that?
Anyway, feeling good about myself. Don't care that much right now about her rollercoaster. Feel sorry for her, because from small things she said before I left, I think she's realizing the OP isn't all that much greener than me before I started my changes.
Well, probably took a huge step towards D yesterday. But it will all be her choice.
WAW had agreed to go to a counselor that was highly recommended to me. He was great - extremely solution focused and capable of moving the atmosphere and convo from intense to humorous to emotional, drawing out all our feelings.
All WAW's complaints were things I knew and have been working on. She also acknowledged her faults and counselor led her to see other things she was doing and would carry with her to her next R if she didn't deal with them. But when A came up, it was clear she had shut her mind to my changes, had decided our M wasn't worth saving, and wanted to try things with OM even though she already has her doubts about him. She keeps saying she has her doubts whether she's making the right choice, but won't put any energy into our R.
What was frustrating to me was all her complaints are very changeable - things like doing more together and helping more around the house. But she's put a spin on it that I'm a hopeless person.
I know she felt very threatened having to confront the feelings that she's been running from, though. And I'm sure she felt very uncomfortable with the counselor offering specific steps on working on M, since she says she's open to it but won't do anything.
So, afterwards I asked her opinion and she said she was confused and needed time to process. I said I was confused too, but I was going to fight for the M. I'm afraid this probably drove her farther away and I'll almost guarantee she won't go back, but at least a lot of stuff is out in the open. Don't know what I should do next - wait and see I guess. If she says she's filing, then I'll pull completely back.
If forcing the two of you to deal with your issues "forces her away," then that's her decision. Don't regret your pushing!
Put it this way: wouldn't you regret it later, if your marriage ends up in divorce, if you DIDN'T do everything possible to deal with your issues, and if you didn't specifically push your wife to?
I don't know your sitch, but it sounds like she's been moved -- at least temporarily -- from "our marriage isn't worth saving" to "confused/I need to think about it."
What you say makes me feel better. I'm going to keep trying in different ways and this was definitely different. Just need to stop myself from psyching out about it and being patient enough to wait and see.
Unfortunately, she's moved from "confused" to "I think I want D". This is related to OM - she says she's up and down about him but likes the fun things they've done and the newness. She didn't quite say it, but in C she came close to saying she was excited to try things out with him. Meanwhile, she's put up a wall to keep from seeing my changes. We've moved to less and less communication as well. Partly because I've been trying not to pursue, letting her take the initiative.
I feel good about my changes - they've been consistent - so at least I'll have that when this is over.
