Everyone (& trytoohard), Thanks for that uplifting post, you sound like you have come full circle since the beginging of your H's MLC. I admire people like you. I unfortunately have had trouble accepting that I need to get a life. I have always felt truely at peace with myself and felt like I have become a person I wanted to become through years of hard work and determination. I feel like I have more of a life than most all the people that I know and usually talk to. I have strived hard at college/grad school for 9 years to get to where I want to be. I have coached cheerleading teams for almost 9 years now also (which is basically like a full time job, after I am done with work). I have always enjoyed working out and going for walks and things like kickboxing.I am on a bowling league and play darts alot. I have learned to remodeled just about every room there is in a house (due to fixing up the three houses H & I have lived in), I am even capable to do roofing. I love and teach a high ropes climbing course called "project adventure" over my summer days. I go out every weekend (and some weeknights) to visit with friends-(we are all so close that we even do holidays and vacations and hobbies all together). I have picked up reading, and have always done crafts of all sorts(especially cross-stitching). I like to travel,go camping, go to the beach and go on wine tours.I feel that I am the adventurous type that just loves to experience life allready. I don't know how much more I have to do to GAL, since I allready feel that my life is very full and great. I just can't believe that H doesn't want anything to do with that life anymore. H and I used to do a lot of these things together. But now that he can't face anyone, he seems to hate all of the parts to our old life. My H has always been the type to start something and never finish it (he barely finished h.s., and dropped out of college, dropped out of drum core{that he loved and did for years} and several sports, he switched careers from being a cook, an automechanic, a car salesman, a painter{1st sm. business attempt}, a construction business owner {2nd small business attempt-went bankrupt}, & now he is starting the 3rd sm. business attempt of opening his own auto shop). His father was very much the same. If anything, he needs to be the one to get a life, while I continue doing the many things I love to do (just now I am all alone doing them). I guess this is also one of the reasons, that I want to still go to this black tie affair with my friend. To me, there isn't much more I can do to get a life. I think that this is the type of event I can enjoy and have not been able to do since h.s. proms. I know I have a long ways to go yet in terms of learning and growing, but I will continue to do my GAL activities all alone which is so sad to me. I miss my husband and lover, TIPPER p.s. Question: For anyone who has had a spouse come and go multiple times, how long were your times apart compared to the amount of time they came back (i know everones situation is different, but I am just curious)?
I can only speak for me, but I was out of the house once before the real end. The problem. The problems were not fixed so eventually everything blew up on me.
inmyplace, I don't know what you meant in the last post, can you explain more? When I look back on the 5 months that my husband & I were peicing before he left the 2nd time, I can now see he still had many unresolved issues. There were moments that I got really scared but just stayed quiet after his storms. He seemed to really want to work on things at first(honeymoon phase), but there were things he had said and done throughout that made me feel so uncomfortable. As soon as his pressures/guilt/depresion rose: he went-a-running again. I guess I am just trying to see if this will be a pattern to expect in him and how long the 2nd bomb might last(i know that no one knows the future-I am just looking for trends-since my H is the poster-child for MLC thus far). Thanks, Tipper
Hey all, Just wondering still if anyone (who has had a spouse leave multiple times)would be interested sharing with me the amounts of time that their was between the first, second,third, (etc....) BOMBS! And also what the piecing moments were like for you all-(did WAS still seem distant, and not try to hard to make up for the wrongs they new they are guilty of, or did it seem like a stronger relationship until they up and ran out again)? I like to know what kinds of things I may be in for, even though I know that my case will be unique to my H and I (as each of your cases are unique to you and your spouses). I will be thankful for any examples you guys can provide. TIPPER
My H first dropped the bomb in Dec 2006 He was gone for about 6 weeks. He began dating a friend of his. It turned into a PA. He came home at 6 weeks and tried to work on things, because he couldnt live with himself if he didnt. He was home for about 2 months. Never broke contact with OW. Left again. Went back to OW. Came back because of something I said. Moved out of his apt and came home. Was home for about 3 months or so, decided he was leaving again but stayed another month just to talk to MC. Moved out again...back with OW. Was gone for about 2 weeks, wanted to try again. Lasted about 2 weeks. Went back to OW. He didnt move in this time. Was with OW for about 2 weeks. Came back around Thanksgiving. Stayed for about 2 weeks, left....couldnt get over OW. TOo hard. Came back about 2 weeks later. Stayed until the day after Christmas this year. Left again...He loves OW, more himself with her, never loved me that way...blah, blah, blah.
OMG!! That looks horrible when I see it all before me. I hope I didnt miss anything. I saw that when I stayed a friend with him, talking to him....even having sex with him while he was with OW....made him want to come back home. So I never really let the R play out with the OW. He was never with her long enough. He would leave me...and go back to her EVERY time. HE would practicly Live with her and pay rent at another house for him. He is still doing this. I am waiting for the bomb of "Im moving in with her" I did see however that the last time he came home, he had started saying he did have feelings for me. He was missing me and he did want to be with me...but she is new and exciting...
I think My sitch is a little different. Because I let him do this. I didnt make him feel a loss with me. I think You need to let your H feel a loss for you. My H thinks he still has me.....but wait until he does this again. I am preparing myself for that day. I would not recommend what I have gone through to anyone. ..Dont take them back with the OW still in the pic, no matter what they say.
I guess it was more like 6 times of him leaving. Unless I left one out. That is horrible really. Im waiting for him to implode!
Last edited by kissak; 01/11/0802:56 PM.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Wow Kissak, That is a lot of Coming and Going, Thanks for sharing your situation with me. I do see that you are going to stop going down that same old cheeseless tunnel, good for you. Don't even think of taking him back as long as he is with ow. Your obviously getting stronger due to all your pain and past. I have no idea if my H is with another women or not. He swears up and down that it is not any one women-but he feels like it is all other women that he desires other than me (his words). My H said he does not want a R right now. I do have this terrible gut feeling though that he may still be going to strip clubs and texting his old stripper friend all over again. The last couple of days he was with me, he was constantly getting texts and not sharing them with me, and would have a smirk on his face when he would get them. My gut tells me not to believe him (about not seeing any one else) but I just cant tell yet. I am trying not to snoop or have friends snoop for me. But I do drive by his apt. a lot on my way to other things, and he seems to be home about 50% of the time. Not to mention there is one car I am often seeing near his truck, and I am starting to worry. I go by early in a.m. to get to work, and his truck is always alone there-so i guess that is a good thing. He totally agreed with me last summer when I took him back that I felt the stripper was just a band-aid. He said he did not sleep with her as she had a boyfriend and a girlfriend.... Oh my god, I think I better go get tested for std's/aids, cuz I just don't believe him. He has said the same things to me that your H said to you about our M just not being fresh and new and exciting, and that he doesnt like the responsibilities involved with a M. He tells me over & over that his heart is just not in it anymore, and he would rather be friends. I know he is confused, and unsure, I just wish he would be honest with me. Oh well, I have to just try not to dwell on it, it is what it is. Thanks again for sharing. If anyone else would like to share there situation of the coming and going-I am still all ears. TIPPER
Well, it has been a few days since I have posted, just wanted to stop in and let you all know that I am doing better.The first few weeks after the 2nd bomb were very tough, and I was crying almost all day everyday. I have know noticed that by setting goals for myself, that I am doing much better. My gaols are: 1)to not cry and dwell on it all the time, and focus on me and more on my strengths, 2)To not talk about it with friends or family that often (as they all feel I should just move on and don't deserve this)and to show them all the happy me and not the sad and depressed version of myself, and 3) to keep my hope and faith alive, and know that deep down He does still love me but is just confused and in a MLC so he can not feel that love right now. Since I have focused more on these goals, and also cont'd to GAL, I have found that I have cried a lot less (I went for 3 days w/out a teardrop). I still have no contact with H(mostly due to him not calling/visiting at all and also due to me giving him space), and rarely see him out and about. Right now that's o.k. with me, but I wonder how long he will keep this avoidance up. Pretty much, he is avoiding everyone we ever knew-none of our friends or family have been in contact with him since the holiday. He seems to be indulging himself into his work and spending lots of time alone (i often see his car at his apt. when I am out visiting friends at night time). The GAL things i am recently doing: *haircut today, *going to a college b-ball game tommorow with the friend who is taking me to his company work party.*then Trivia Night @ a local restuarant *this weekend = bowling and going to the city night clubs with the girls. I am hoping to stay busy as much as possible to keep my mind off all the drama, I still have my down times, but they are getting easier. TIPPER
hey Tipper...You sound like you are doing great....better than ME! I need to try to set some new goals myself.
take care
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Should you be given the opportunity, do the work before he comes home. After the first time, he came home before the work of saving the marriage was done, then things went right back to where they had been and boom...bomb #2.
I think what is a bit scary with your posts is that by asking about spouses that have come and gone numerous times, you are setting yourself up for a revolving door. Should he want to come home again, you have history which tells you he will leave again. Nip it in the bud.
Inmyplace, Thank you for that sound advice. I agree with you whole heartedly that I need to nip it in the bud. I guess I just don't even know where to begin? He never tells me what he is or was thinking. This time that he left me, he was very nice and kind and kept saying that it wasn't anything I did, it was just that he doesn't feel like he is in love with me the way he used to be. He had said that it was like I was putting 200% into reconciling while he was only able to contribute about 50%. He said he knew it was unfair to me and that it was ok that I was hurting so bad. He kept saying (like he did the first time) that he was just not attracted to me anymore. How do I work on fixing things, that I don't know how to fix. I don't think I am a HOTTIE or anything, but I do know I get hit on and looked at a lot by other men (so, I am obviously not that unattractive). Besides, you can not change genetics. I am short and thin and in very good shape(6 pack abs and all). How do I become more attractive to him? I know that If he ever does come back again, that I want it to be for real and to not be a revolving door. I guess I need to put my foot down at that time, and let him know that I can not accept him back until he proves his love for me this time: (he could make some huge apologies, stop being an alcoholic, be more social and want to do things with all of our old friends/family). The thing is that last time I brought up most of these issues, and @ first he seemed to be working on them well, but then it just dwindeled. Maybe if he does return again(as many people keep saying he probably will-even his mom)I should make more of an effort to not let my emotions control me. I should do more thinking with my head and voice the problems I can see, and if he makes an effort, then we can start to be friends, then date, then get romantic, and finally recommit and move back in together- as long as he keeps working at his issues. last time we waited about 3 weeks to move back in together, but we were with each other all the time in those three weeks, and were making love. I guess I would have to set some time limits as to when to jump back into things as long as he met certain expectations w/in that time (or at least tries). I also am trying to not get too hopefull, as I know that he may never return, or even if he does it probably wont be for a long time. I guess I am just trying to prepare myself for what might lie ahead and figure out what has or has not worked for others. Is this what you meant? Any other ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Tipper p.s. He stopped by for the 2nd time today (since dec. 18th = the 2nd bomb) to walk the dog while I was at work and left a note thanking me for allowing it & to take care. I will not respond/call him as their is no need to.
