I was posting over in Hopefulness . Guess why I'm here now. Well, at least now I know why W didn't seem willing to work on anything and wasn't responding to my DRing.
So, W asked last week whether we should continue with a bad MC we started going to before xmas. I said I could ask for referrals to a new one, but it was her choice if she wanted to keep going. Today I asked her about going and she said she didn't want to work on the M and wanted a D, even though that might be a big mistake. I said I understood, I hoped she would give the M a chance but if she wasn't willing to she should file. I said I was going to continue working on myself.
We ended up taking a walk and talking about what happens next. Finally she said she'd kissed someone. I said I had thought she'd been sleeping w/ someone and she admitted she had. She's been lying to me and the MC for months now! I majorly gulped down my pride and every other emotion and said I understood why that might happen since our sex life had been so poor. We continued to talk - even laughed a little about it (I know - weird).
Finally she said she'd broken off the PA but still had an EA with OM. I just said that all I could do was work on myself and show her someone she'd want to be with, someone to replace the vision she had of me when we first separated. She said she still cared for me. I asked if she'd be willing to go to counseling and give the M a little more time before filing for D and she agreed.
But what an emotional rollercoaster I've been on the rest of the day! Don't know what to do - am I making a tremendous mistake?
Don't know what to do - am I making a tremendous mistake?
lodo
Are you asking us whether you are making a mistake in working on the marriage? Only you can answer that question. If you are not going to ever let go of the anger and hurt, then yes, you probably are making a mistake. But that's a question that only you can answer.
If you are looking for specific suggestions, then ask away. Most of us here have been were you are. Let us know how we can help.
Thanks. I DO want to work on the marriage. I thought we were and had been making many small steps up until a few weeks ago. She had even started initiating hugs and reaching out to hold my hand. She had said last week that she'd be willing to go to counseling, but yesterday she was totally opposite - very cold and had decided definitely on divorce. This was all before I found out about the A of course. But my only reaction to that info was understanding and forgiveness - I'm not holding on to anger. Just wanted to get her into counseling so we could get some help working through this. So I don't know what caused the change in her wanting D. She has kept saying she can't see us growing old together - I don't think I understand what that means.
I found a really good counselor (I think - he was referred by 2 others) and we have an appt. next tuesday. I'm going to keep PMA, acting as if, and GAL, but I also need to change my other tactics. Up until now I'd been letting her initiate contact, since she had asked for space. Now I feel like I need to instigate a lot more and basically try to court her.
I just don't feel like it's fair that I'm fighting so hard. She had the affair. I also hate that she said she thought she'd know about our R after 3 months of separation, but just felt like things were in limbo - and she's the one who won't talk or work, gee I wonder why we're in limbo and nothing has changed in 3 months! I also haven't figured out what my new goals should be. Before I thought it was just space and time, but now everything seems different. So, is courting and trying to rebuild a R the best course forward or should I keep maintaining a certain LRT since we're also separated? I know Michele says to monitor, but I can't really tell anymore what's working. Too hard with W's swings.
I would suggest that you stop "courting" her. You need to go on with your life as if she will not be a part of it any more. You need to let her pursue you. If you pursue her (by "courting"), you will never catch her.
Give her space and GAL. Also, I would suggest ending the separation as soon as possible. She will be less likely to see changes in you and see you GALing if you are separated.
And fair? This is divorcebusting. Nothing is fair. Get used to it.
I just don't feel like it's fair that I'm fighting so hard. She had the affair.
I feel this way a lot. All summer long I thought "When do *I* get to talk about my feelings???" There is a time a place. I read on here somewhere about how the poster wished he would have put aside talking about his feelings/hurt so much and listened more. Since I read that, I have been trying to do that.
The moods (up and down, D and no D talk) are hard, its a not-so-fun ride. Sorry you are here, but this is a wonderful place to vent and get advice. Start reading and responding to other people, its very helpful..
I have said ALL along - the way I have reacted and the way my WAS treated me/trusted me you would have thought that I HAD HAD THE AFFAIR!!!
This DBing is not easy - your first post seems so much stronger -you GALing and not forcing her to do anything, but your second response you seem like you want to pursue her - be careful or you may just push her away. Every sitch is diff and depending on what she needs from you should be how you go with it.
You are to make yourself better to attract her back. You CANNOT control the timeline on this (unless you quit) and your cannot control your W or her feelings or her actions. MC can be tricky - sometimes a rehashing of old stuff. Retrouvaille does not solve the past it gets you to see each others point of view and how to move foward.
Sounds like your W is not over the addiction of the OP - this will take some time but each time they talk/hook up it resets the clock on getting over the OP!! This is why you see her coming towards you at one moment and pushing you away the next...
Hang on your rollercoaster ride is FAR from over!!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
I know it sounds like I'm pursuing, but part of our problem was that I didn't initiate anything - W did. She got sick of doing it. So now I'm trying to balance letting her decide to come together with me showing her that I'm willing and able to initiate and plan. I did this initially, stopped for awhile, and will probably start again - just doing 180s and seeing what works/what doesn't.
Would like to try retrouvaille, but she is NOT willing to do yet. Have it on the back burner though.
Since W isn't over OP, I feel like I need to make myself attractive too, so that's what I'm doing. I also feel that when we were going to MC, even though the C was bad they called W on her wishy-washy behavior and she responded in a positive manner. Since we stopped going, she's slid back into her old ways. I'm hoping a good MC will provide more clarity and a feeling of trust that is good for both of us.
Will see - can only try and see what happens and change plans if needed.
I'm truly seeing the rollercoaster ahead of me now and boy am I conflicted! I know everyone here understands that already - I'm just beginning to appreciate.
I had lost you for a while! Sorry to hear about your current sitch. You were doing great with the PMA and GALing - I hope you haven't given stuff up.
I think I'm in with O-Mark above - lay off the overt wooing / courting bit which might be interpreted as pursuing. What would happen if you were to turn down the heat a bit and invest that effort in your PMA and GALing.
Look at the positives - she came clean to you - which she could easily not have done and she has gone to MC with you. I reckon they're both actions you can chalk up in your favour!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
