Unfortunately, while she is actively carrying on an affair her brain chemicals won't allow her to see much of what you're doing to fill her emotional needs. She WILL see positive changes in you; she just won't be affected much by it. But "it's in there" -- it's getting thru, at some level. I was told this, and my wife reported EXACTLY that after she ended it with OM.
Don't constantly beat her over the head with it, because you can't "teach" an infidel, but I do think, if you haven't already done so, that you should plain TELL HER that "You say you're confused, and I agree. I don't think you can be anything BUT confused now that you've invited a third person into our marriage. That's exactly why you need to end it, so that we can work on our marriage, without interference. I'm ready to do that."
Or some such.
I told my wife that probably five or six times over the 3 months of her affair, and she denied it steadfastly -- "that doesn't make any difference."
After she ended it with him, she said "You were right -- there was no way I could have worked on my marriage while I was still seeing him. I don't know if our marriage will work out or not, but I can see that I need to think things thru WITHOUT another man in my life, or I can't possibly make good decisions."
Thanks choc - very good advice that I needed to hear. I'm going to say that to her and then pull back. Let her think things through while I continue on with GAL and my PMA activities.
I had a chance to go back and read your previous posts in "Hopefulness," and I hate to say it, but all of the signs were there. Don't feel stupid -- they were for me, too, and everyone over on the SSM board tried to tell me. All I kept saying is "You don't know my wife; she's too busy to have time for an affair, and besides, I think she's ASEXUAL."
(((rrrrrrr!)))) Wrong.
You might want to check out the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (NMMNG) stuff as well -- it's been very help to a lot of us "nice guys" who needed to stop doing some of the things that our wives found NOT very attractive. Here's a link:
I know. After she admitted the A everything suddenly became SO much clearer. So much clearer, in fact, I was amazed at how stupid I could have been to miss it.
Haven't heard of NMMNG, so will check it out. Never thought I'd spend this much time on seeking advice, but here I am.
Well, surprising change. WAW contacted me - said she was still reeling from MC. Wants to get together and talk about it.
I replied that I didn't know how much there was to talk about. That I'd been working on the M for 3 months alone while she remained uncommitted. Used Choc's line, "We can't work on anything when there are 3 people in this marriage." Ended by saying that she had asked for D so I felt like I needed to prepare myself for moving on, but if that was the wrong impression, she should tell me and maybe there was something to talk about.
She wrote back, said the C had opened a door of honesty that we hadn't been able to do on our own. Said she wanted to hear more from me, that she wanted me to say what I felt and be angry, mean, happy, brutal, or frustrated. Also said I was right, she hadn't been committed, and she realized what a stupid mistake she was making with OM - that she didn't want to feel attracted to him, but she was, though she realized she was giving up everything for something she knew could never be long term. Ended by asking if I would see her or not.
So, we'll see how tonight goes. Feel much better about maintaining my dignity and boundaries while still being open to working on M.
Wow. I have not gotten to this point in my sitch so I am hesitant to offer much advice. I will say that as much as she wants you to vent your anger, frustration, etc. you don't want to go overboard. You also want her to feel that she, too, can be open and honest.
I'm hoping someone who has been "here" before can provide some insight on how to approach this evening.
Best of luck and yes, maintaining your dignity and boudaries is essential. Great job!
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
It does sound like an opening. LOVED how you handled it -- way to go!!! I would meet with her, and just listen. Let her go first. Make no promises; expect nothing, give nothing.
If, in her speech, she says she realizes she must end it, let her finish and then say "OK, if you're serious about ending it, this is what we need to do," and then have a plan ready for her to write a "no-contact" letter and to put a "transparency" system in place.
If she waffles all over the place, and her speech is full of "I'm confuseds", and "I need some space's" and "I just don't know," then hold her hands and say "I'm sorry you're in such a confused place, and I want to help you. But until you end it with him, there's nothing I can do other than tell you that I love you, I DON'T want to divorce, and I stand ready to work on our marriage as soon as you end it with him."
If she at all approaches anything D-related, simply say "It would be best if we let the lawyers straighten all that out."
I would NOT get into any self-analysis and self-criticism with her. If she insists on you telling her what makes you happy, frustrated, etc., just say "Nothing would make me happier than for us to grow old together, and our grandkids to be surrounding us with their love; and what makes me angry? The idea that you decided it was OK to invite another man into our marriage and break your wedding vows. THAT makes me angry." And leave it at that.
Let us know what happens.
Choc.
P.S. This may sound hokey and stupid, but don't be afraid to PRACTICE the things that you want to say, especially if they don't come naturally to you. Role-playing (when no one is around to look at you like you're wack-o, of course!) can really help make you confident in tense moments. It did for me!!!
I would meet with her, and just listen. Let her go first. Make no promises; expect nothing, give nothing.