I am hopeful and will ride this out

[Just_Me]

After last night, we both have clarity about ending our M. I told her that I would not want her back and that I will not remarry her if she changes

I guess that clarifies things for me. It doesn't sound as though your wife is headed towards happiness. I'm sure that you will be.

I know what you mean about missing companionship. It isn't just the time spent from the bomb without affection, if you look back, there is often a prolonged period before that when the feeling of a partner wasn't there. My fear about online stuff is that it's people that are looking for a serious relationship. If you had someone that was just willing to "go with the flow" it would be nice, and I don't think that's what you find online. Have you looked into a nice Russian bride. Just kidding.

[Heimlich]

yeah, like JM says, it doesn't seem like your W is heading for a happy life. Frankly, she sounds like a controlling b!tch.

Have you looked into a nice Russian bride. Just kidding.

A very good friend of mine actually did this -- albeit a Philipino. For whatever reason, it's worked out well for him. Two cute kids. She's past her Visa (or whatever it is, she's legal) and she's still with him.

Try http://www.plentyoffish.com, which is more low-key than many of the others.

Also, if you just want to get out, meetup.com is excellent. Type in your area code, look for interests (hiking, dining out, walks, singles groups, etc.) and off you go.

BD

[smith18]

Thanks Heimlich!

I did not know of the plentyoffish.com which looks really good. There are gals on there that just want to hang out instead of looking for a long term R.

I have checked out the meetup.com before and will probably try the hiking or outdoors group once I get some time once our shared custody arrangement gets started.

I also want to reconnect with my best friend from grade school and high school. All we have done since I have been married is just keep in contact by phone just once in a while. It is time to get back to the wilderness, mountains and ocean where I am most at ease.

[smith18]

I got home last night and W had been using the main computer which has some stupid adware that keeps popping up. After she left, I decided to fix this and looked at the browser history to get some evidence. I noticed that W had just been doing searches on the OM name and some other person.

Today, I was finishing up the Pinewood Derby with S7 and W showed up to take the kids out for the afternoon. I told her that since we are both agreeing to a D that is in process, that I see no reason that they cant do stuff together with OM. W came over and gave me a big hug. They are all going shopping for furniture this afternoon for the kids to use at OM house.

W said that her friends have talked to her a lot and are ok with our decision to D as long as the kids are going to be ok. She said she still needs to talk with her mom. I told her good luck with that talk. I believe her mom will be shocked to know that her daughter is going to be living up with someone that is the same age as her.

As they were leaving, I heard D5 say some funny things. She said things like "OM kisses me and kisses mommy a lot", "Mommy and OM are falling in love", "Mommy and OM are sharing germs", etc... W responded and said "D5 you know more than you should know".

I have decided to remove my rings as this marriage in my mind is now over.

[smith18]

W and I seem to be getting along very well lately. She seems happy to be moving in with the OM and the kids are ok about it too. I still think it strange that she finds attraction to someone that has kids her age. If that is what she desires, it is her choice. She does say that I am a good man and father, but she is just more interested in someone that can be a fatherly figure to her. I believe her thinking might also be clouded by the fact that he is quite wealthy.

Today, as I had some rare time to myself working in my yard and working out at the YMCA, I was able to think in a relaxed manner. I know I am going to be happy with life after our D. I have so many plans for myself and my kids to enrich our lives. I want to get another sailboat and teach my kids seamanship, fishing and to respect the ocean. I want to get back into moutain climbing, skiing, backpacking and the other outdoor activities that I stopped doing in our M because my W was not interested.

I also dont want to hold any grudges and am ready to forgive. I plan to call up the OM soon and have a good friendly chat. I want to take the high ground. After talking with W, she said that OM would like to talk with me too. I want to wish him the best with my W. I want to remain friends with W as that will be a good example for our children and will make our interactions with each other good. My W has said to me tonight that she will be there anytime in the future for me to talk to.

For now, my future plans are to hold off on doing any dating. I will probably just focus on my kids, do some male bonding, read some more R books and get back into the solitary outdoor activities I so enjoyed in my prior single life. I want to take my time to become more self actualized before jumping into any new R.

I still believe what Michelle says - no marriage should have to end except for the abusive ones. However, I believe it takes both parties in the marriage to have that belief. My W sees many marriages in Thailand as unhappy ones where they are staying together just for the sake of the kids. She still cannot see, that with work and time, a stale marriage can be revived. I will accept her decision to D. I will, however, do all I can in the next 15 years to slowly get the teachings of Michelle's to my children so that they know to marry a spouse with similar beliefs in working on and saving a marriage.

[mako]

Kerry,

It sounds like you have a good plan for your future and your head is in the right place. Being able to forgive your W will likely give you peace of mind, and staying friendly with her will probably make things a lot easier for the kids sake. I wish you well.

[W2G]

I envy your strength. You have your head on so straight.. it's obvious that you will be successful in your relationship with yourself and future loving relationships.

[smith18]

Yesterday W and I made plans to talk outside today about a parenting plan during S7's chinese class. We would get a babysitter with D5 so that we could have some serious uninterrupted time. However, after I dropped of D5 today at the babysitter, she called and said that OM and her would instead prefer to go shopping for the kids bedroom furniture. I said she must hold up her end of our agreed upon schedule. So we had our meeting and I brought her some delicious coconut pastry custard candy (like Raffaello by Ferrero) I made last night. We agreed upon custody times, but there were some issues about money which caused her to get hostile.

I also need to learn to not try and butt into her new R. I tried pointing out to her that I see OM taking on a big change in his life by freeing up 2 bedrooms for my kids, buying new beds and furniture and providing a home for my W and our kids. However, the actions of my W towards him seem non-committing. When I mentioned that when I take her off our shared family plan cell phone account that it would be best if she were to do a family plan with OM to save money. She says she just wants to open up new accounts for herself and not share with OM. He is going to pay all of her expenses and she gets to put all the money from her work into her own accounts. She also has said that she just hopes to get through the next 10 years with him still living and then maybe live with one of her good female friends. She also says she will never marry him. I so much want to get a D done from this woman before her new life becomes a mess. I wish her the best, but it sure does not seem she has thought her future out very well.

I took the kids to eat at W's friend's Thai restaraunt tonight. One of the regular customers asked where my W was and I informed them we were getting D'd. They were shocked and D5 butted in and said it was all my fault. W's friend corrected her on the spot and said it is no ones fault. I was a bit hurt that D5 would sound so mean about me.

As I was getting the kids bathed and ready for bed tonight, it dawned on me that I have never spent a single night of S7's life away from him. I know that in the very near future, once the parenting plan is submitted, that I will be going for 5 night stretches without him or D5 staying overnight with me. This is the part of the D that will really hurt the most, but I will still talk to them every day. I also will take advantage of the time they are not around to work on making myself happy. For the last 2 months, my schedule as a full time working dad taking care of 2 very active kids has been somewhat busy.

[smith18]

I had a talk with my lawyer yesterday and then talked in the evening with W about our divorce details. She started asking about what would be different if she were to move into an apartment instead of with OM. I said I would be willing to pay spousal support in that case as I want my kids to have a good place to live when they are with her. I then asked her why she asked that question and I could not get an answer from her. I suspect she has some huge doubts about her life with OM. I told her that we can sign an agreement between ourselves so that we can start sharing the kids right away according to our parenting plan. This would be something that would change the status quo specified in the restraining order.

The biggest thing I got out of our conversation was that she admitted that I had been in misery for over 2 months about her being a WAW and that now the shoe is on the other foot. She told me to party it up in celebration because she is now eating multiple excrement sandwiches. I told her that I have no happiness in hearing that she is miserable now. Her face throughout our talk looked so sad and with no direction. As I was explaining division of assets and child support, she was writing things down (in Thai) and expressed that her mind is just blank. She also finally said that she may get personal counseling in the future. This is something I have recommended several times for her.

I explained that both her and I have had our outbursts and that we both need to disregard a lot of what is said in anger. We both need to get along as friends as we have to deal with each other for many more years. I told her of the WAW rule of believe 0% of what they say and 50% of their actions and now she seems to be applying that to me. I tried to show her that I am fair and sincere in what I am proposing for our divorce settlement.

I asked if she could turn back time to when she started hitting the bars whether she would do anything different. She said that she would have felt that she was leaving a good husband at home to take care of the kids and would have forced herself to come home and not be a bar flirt.

She finally said that she will be seeing a lawyer today. I told her that she should sign receipt of the divorce papers by tomorrow otherwise she will get served at her place of employment next week. She has had 10 days to sign receipt and I dont know why she is waiting for the last minute. I told her that signing does not mean she agrees with the content (which is written in my favor). She feels that all the cards are in my hand as the wording indicates that she left the home of her children. Also, the protective restraining order she feels makes it look like she is bad too. She says she feels like she is now on the defense. I tried to show her that I want to work with her in a friendly manner. The papers filed by the lawyer is just a standard way they do things to begin with. I expressed that it is in our best interests if we can agree to an uncontested D.

At the end of our talk, I threw out the question of whether she would ever consider saving our M. Just something for her to think about, but I still want to move on and get the D. She would have to show me a whole new person for me to want her back as my W. For now, the D is a legal matter I want to get done with. Where our R goes after that, only time will tell.

[Lian]

I do not know if it has anything to do with it but my wife is Asian as well. She was so committed to me and to her family but then something changed. She left her two years old daughter to be with her boyfriend, caused complications in her family not to mentioned our family. (She has been away from D and me for almost a year)

I support her, her mom and our nephew, they live with us in our house so if she was thinking straight she would stay with me until she finishes school and then divorce me but I guess she is so mad and wants out now.

She hope to get money to support them from me buying out her share of the house.