Don't Push!!! A Newbies MUST Read.

[newnamenewlife]

So, am I DBing for nothing, is he noticing any of my changes and not saying anything...does he think I won't continue them??Heck, I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TALK TO ME.....he says if he hugs me, kisses me, holds me or ML then I will think everything is okay.. who is he kidding...I am well aware things are bad, really bad but I want to work on them....and the only answers I get are, "I don't know", and "I can't help the way I feel".
Treese

Wait-- I think we have the same H. Maybe it is the same man who is leading a double life. What do your kids look like?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Glad your just venting. : )

Why are you making the changes? Cause with what you wrote it does seem like you made them for your H to notice...

If you don't make them for you and you alone, they won't last.
You don't have to believe me, you'll find out if they were made for the worng reasons.

It is human nature not to accept changt, to doubt it, until it becomes consistent, when it is no longer 'change' but the way of life.

"I don't know", and "I can't help the way I feel".

Some honesty from an MLC. Those words you can believe.

[Treese]

LMG;;


LOL!!Maybe they are the same person......

Jack you are right...when you put alone in a quote like that its true....they really don't know, and they can't help the way they feel..

And truly I have made changes for me...I am a lot calmer than I used to be...things don't bother me as much and I compliment my kids and my H...I do feel better being this person...I just feel sad because I feel it's too late...

Ask me tomorrow I may feel something different...this really is a roller coaster.

Treese

[newnamenewlife]

Treese, I have to ask why you allow your H to live at home if he is openly with OW and hasn't slept with you in 7 months and your kids know so there's no one to pretend for. I understand in a way--because I ask myself why the heck I haven't kicked my H out after he keeps insisting he doesn't love me. For me, well, for now anyway, he has not said anything about actually leaving, and then there are the financial reasons and the fact that our kids have no idea that we don't love each other. So we're jointly--H & I--pulling an "as if" for them at this point and because of money.

I think that if my H had an OW and my kids knew and he came and went like that, I would ask him to move out until he could come back and leave OW. Doesn't letting him live there and openly see OW qualify as cake-eating?

I am not judging you, just wondering. I guess I'm also wondering how long I will put up with a H who won't say ILY and work on our M. At the moment, I feel close to telling him to shape up or ship out.

[Treese]

lmg;

You are right on a lot of things...My kids do not know about OW just that dad doesn't love mom the way he should..that's what H told D15...Son doesn't know...Money is a big reason why he is still here...and the fact that I feel safe with him here.. I did tell him he can't go out sleep with OW and then come home to sleep...his response was; "I didn't say I was sleeping with her, you did"...I responded with, "I'm not stupid"...anyway...I am working towards the out the door thing....I know what I need to do I just don't honestly have the guts to do it yet....

I love him...some say to treat him like a roommate...some say to kick him out...some say dont ask them to leave....

I'm not sure of all he and OW do together...I know he is devoted to his job and has been working a lot but it's to stay away from home...

Wow, now that I'm talking about it I feel really dumb as to why in the Hell am I letting him stay....I do deserve more....I do deserve to be loved...7 months is a long time.. I do have a timeline and I will look at my sitch again after my retreat I am going on in Feb...then I will be good in my heart...

Until then....if it's cake eating I guess I'm serving cake...

I don't feel too good about myself right now...

treese

[newnamenewlife]

Treese, I am sure after 29 years, it must be impossible to imagine living without him. Really, that is a long, long time. I hope I didn't make it seem like I thought it would be easy. It's easy for me to hear about your H and think he deserves to be kicked out, but of course you could say the same about mine based on what I share here. None of this stuff is black and white for those of us in the midst of it. I think an OW would push me over the edge, but who knows. When you truly love someone, it's hard and complicated.

After 3 mos of this crap from my H, I am now starting to feel like he should just leave and get it over with. If it's inevitable, then I want to be put out of my misery now, ya know? And yet, of course, that is so much easier said than done, even for him.

How do people separate when they have kids? It's not like we fight and make our kids' lives awful and so they'll understand on some level. We spend time together as a family a LOT and mostly have fun. The kids see H & I joking around and being affectionate (although not so much anymore, sadly). They will be shocked.

Do you do it with a talk right away, or should H & I try to let them figure it out first--ie he sleeps on the couch for a while, then we stop doing things as a couple, etc? The thing is, I know my D11 and if she knew we were sleeping separately, she would ask about it a lot and what was wrong and did we have a fight, etc?

I can't even figure out how to begin to separate on a concrete, kid-sensitive level. UGHHHH. I wish my stupid H would just come around. I KNOW if he and I made our M a priority and worked a little on re-kindling the love, we could do it. All it takes is his willingness--but that's the problem--he can't make himself do it.

[mymonkeybug]

Wow these posts have been very interesting and helpful also. I wish you all the best. I have been reading a great deal since coming here last month and 2 books I would like to rec. for those in here and dealing with MLC are When A Mate Wants Out and Men In Midlife Crisis both by Jim Conway. After reading them both front to back at least twice I have a better understanding of the whole male MLC and what they are going through and why these men seem like alien abductees. Developing the patience to deal with it and give them the time and space they need is very hard but it is something we must do at least for a little while if we intend to try and save our marriages. We and only we will know when the time is right for us as the LBS's to stop trying and give up. I hurt for my H as he goes through this, although he denies there is anything like MLC and that he is just doing for himself now what he has always wanted to do. The things I have always held him back from doing. Anyway, we will survive this, remember that which does not kill us only makes us stronger.

[mymonkeybug]

Just thought of something. Is still wearing your wedding ring and engagement ring considered pushing/pressure? I still wear mine given the fact that I am DB'ing and live 100% by the vows I shared with H 15 years ago. I am still married to him. No, he doesn't wear his but never has due to his line of work as an auto. tech. He only ever wore it when we would go to events or functions or out on a date but never during the week.

[newnamenewlife]

mmbug,
I was thinking about the wedding ring thing too. H&I still wear ours, though I took off my engagement ring the other day. Our Ds would notice if we stopped wearing our rings--believe it or not, they are very observant. Ultimately, wearing or not wearing them seems like the least of the issues to me. We are still legally married and H agrees--so while we don't talk about the rings, I doubt we'd take them off until an actual D occurred.

[newnamenewlife]

Also, I've heard the Conway books are very Christian God oriented. Is that true? I am not religious, so, while they sound appealing, I'm not sure I could get past that aspect. What's your take on that?