The what to tell the kids stuff is excruciating. H & I were in MC last week and I asked him how he pictures telling the kids. He thinks we should say something like "our marriage has problems." Of course, we don't argue and have always been affectionate and loving in front of them, so does he think they're going to buy that? I suggested that we stage some fights in front of them.
I said I was uncomfortable going along with that idea since I am here wanting to make our M better and he refuses. Then he said firmly, staring at me in a scolding way: "I know we'll do what's best for the kids. That's what's important--what's best for them."
HEL-LO! Could it possibly be BEST for them for their dad to commit to the marriage he, um, already committed to 15 years ago? I didn't say that.
I don't know how you arrive at these decisions. I can't imagine my H ever getting up the nerve to really tell the kids because he wouldn't have told me how unhappy he was in our M unless I forced it out of him.
Grace--no, I am not really ready for another man. I just feel like the end of my M is inevitable at this point, so why drag it out. I'd rather be available for a new R sooner than later, you know?
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Of course he should know what's going on with the kids. The thing is, you have to do it without "blamimg" him (after all he left, it's his fault!). Asking for his counsel with "S is really angy how do we help him express himself?" Might be more helpful (esp in the long run). If you need to tell him something keep it to just facts and if you have to reherse it in the mirror to see how it looks as well as sounds.
lmg,
There is nothing that is inevitable (except death eventually). Please forgive me for being blunt, but does your age have something to do with your feeling you'd want to be ready for something sooner than later? I ask this b/c it's an issue I have. I'm older than you and as much as I hate it it comes into play that I'm not the cute young thing (ok, never really was) and it doesn't help to see men my age with very young women. Having said that, I truly believe that I will have the R of my dreams, regardless of what happens.
Grace, Yes, age has everything to do with it! I start to think about a future R and then I see what has to happen before I'm available for one--starting with telling our kids, then separating, me getting a job (I work freelance), selling our house, getting a divorce...at which point, I'm--what?--46 at least? And then there's the fact that I have those two Ds, who are not going to be encouraging me to find a new man!
When I look at all that, I think how it would be easier in every way to re-ignite my M with my H. One problem is that he is not thinking at all about wanting to move on to a new R with someone else. He is not having an affair (take my word for it even if you're skeptical). His goal is to live alone--he's got this loner fantasy. Of course, he'll see the kids half the week according to him.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Read the book; The Script...that story is in there about wanting to live alone.....if there is no OW and he's thinking about it you will know the signs...and be able to prevent it...
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Don't you love that quote, "I'm doing what best for the kids"; they are all that matters...I told my H what was best for my kids was that he stay with me and work out his marriage. He didn't buy it...since this is the "right" thing to do so he can be "true" to himself and find his "happiness". Sound familiar??
Also, he says its not fair that he hugs the kids in front of me and he feels no affection towards me.....
Treese
Last edited by Treese; 01/23/0804:11 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
OMG are we married to the same man? LOL!!! My H says basically the same thing in regards to the kids and how he is being true to himself B*LLSH*T and finding his HAPPINESS!!!!
The Script...good book huh? I need to check that one out.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Sorry we're here together...read my thread "how do they look themselves in the mirror".. My H told me last night he is leaving...yep, he's done....now he's been feeling this way for 15 years..it changes daily...for heaven's sake I have a 15 & 10 yr.old...wow...I won't get in to it here but read my thread..would love to talk to you....
The book, the script,,,, you will find your H in there....and it doesn't always work the way they have it all figured out to be.....
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
They are so irrational. I was thinking about this majorly today. Their thoughts change like the wind. It is so frustrating. They don't remember half of what they say.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
My heart goes out to you as you are a brand new Divorcee. How are you managing with that? How has he been since the finalization of it all? Showing any signs of regret on his part?
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Just found this thread after some forum browsing, could we add it to the sticky or the resources thread?
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
