It is so hard now. I am continually stunned at the degree of hatred and irrational fear this woman now has for me. Just when I think it can't possibly get worse, it does.
The strain of this is so great. But, yes, thanks for reminding me that my mood is really in my own hands. When W tells me she is now perfectly peaceful and content with me out of her life, and only ever gets disturbed now when she sees or talks to me, I can say the same about her -- if I don't ever have anything to say or do with her, I am just fine. But one bad conversation with her and I feel the lead weights of depression trying to bring me down.
I now recently have come to the realization of why I became so depressed years ago, and W is a root cause. The question on my mind is which came first -- my depression or her withdrawal of her love and respect from me? Which caused the other?
I know. Quit trying to ponder the unanswerable.
Husband, you've got the patience of a saint. The comment about your wife and your dog was pretty funny. I suspect you feel that it is still not far off the mark, even if exaggeration.
Mc, I don't know what I would have done without these forums and my DC group. I have told my W I want 50% or as close as we can get to that. At first she took it in only slightly surprised, but receptive. Since then, however, she has slowly come up with one excuse after another why it wouldn't work, calling it too disruptive, too difficult to manage, etc. Now she's claiming I am unfit for anything beyond basic visitation.
Lwb, Heaven knows I would never put up with this pain like I do were it not for my S's. I am frequently reminded of Nietzsche's saying, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." I sometimes think W just wants me dead.
Hmmm, W asked me to come over to the house this evening to watch our sons while she went out and saw a patient. I agreed and watched the boys finish their dinner, then got them ready for bed. W was gone for almost two hours. (Part of me did wonder whether she was playing me for a fool and going and getting a "quickie" in with the OM, but then I thought if she were going to be that vile, then I don't care about her anymore anyway.)
So she can express so much angst about me being around in her life and in the lives of my S's, but that doesn't stop her from using me as her baby sitter. Thus I can't really be all that bad a parent or custodian, huh?
To me, it shows not to believe her when she is ranting.
Worse case scenario, she used you to see OM tonight. Other than it hurting you, you did get more quality time with the boys, and your W trusted you to be their father/caregiver. These are good things!
I don't know how much more I can take of this. Right now I am still trying to come down from a very ugly scene with my W.
The weekend was wonderful. I had my two S's and we went to Monster Jam last night. We've never been -- and I never in my life thought I'd ever be taking my kids to this kind of event -- but here we went, and we had a blast. The boys were enthralled.
The rest of the weekend was great, had a lot of quality one-on-one (and one-on-two) time with each of them. We got to play together, and talk, and watch a movie on VOD, and read (lots of) stories. We went to church too and had our own bible story together. All in all a great father-son weekend.
But then as soon as I walked in the door of our house to drop off our S's, just as I was about to show W the photos I took of our S's at the monster truck show, she pointed to a stack of computer equipment she had dragged into our kitchen, and demanded that I remove all my electronics from our house -- right then and there, tonight.
This was all the computer and server equipment I had set up in our bonus room, which I used regularly for my work and as a "lab" for networking and testing -- that is, until the MIL moved in and took it over.
I tried to tell W that I was not prepared to be moving all that equipment tonight, and that it needed to wait. W responded that her aunt was coming over tomorrow to spend an entire week before she flies out to visit other family. W insisted that all my "useless" computer and electronic "graveyard" needed to be taken away to make room for her aunt -- and if I wasn't able to take these away immediately, she was going to throw it all away, tossing it to the curb.
I got pretty steamed at that point. I said a number of words in anger and she kept pushing my buttons and trying to back me into a corner. She said that we need to get rid of my "junk" anyway in order to be able to sell the house when we D. I told her she could start with her own "junk" first. And I also said it made no sense to force this issue tonight. W insists she's given me six months to take care of this. She said she has told me numerous times I could have come over any weekend and work on getting my stuff out <Hah! not whenever MIL was there, I wouldn't/couldn't.>
I told her that if I was no longer going to be able to keep my belongings in my house, -- especially when my 2-bedroom apartment just doesn't have the room, then I was ready for her and her mother to leave. It's time to sell the house -- now.
(That was about the point that MIL came in the door. Cruella herself.)
W kept saying fine, she had wanted to move out originally. I said okay, start looking. W replied she already had. I then asked her where and then asked her was it a particular address (the address of OM). W pleaded ignorance.
I told W that I would start calling some real estate agents to get the house on the market. But then she backpedaled a bit and said we have to fix it up first before we try to sell it.
There were a lot more angry words said between us -- all the while I am trying to figure out how to get 4 computer systems and 3 monitors loaded in my car, along with networking equipment and cables. S7 asked why we were arguing, and W tried to say to our S's that this was the reason she and I had to be separated, because of Daddy's anger. I told S7 that it was because his mother thought more about herself than her family. W bristled at that -- and told me not to put our son in the middle of this -- to which I objected to her hypocrisy and the double standard she just demonstrated.
The part that hurt me the most was that she started this argument in front of our two S's, and then blamed me for their being around to hear it. Our S's seemed to feel so sorry for the two of us. And both of them, S7 and S3, were trying to help me carry out what they could to my car -- they so wanted to be helpful. I looked at S3 as he was passing by, smiling and carrying a 3' length of network cable. It was really nothing as a load for him -- still I thanked him so much for being a big help. He was so proud.
I started silently weeping as I continued back upstairs for another load.
W threatened that she was now going to have to hire a L, since I was supposedly being "unreasonable", and mediation was not going to work. I told her that was up to her whether mediation was going to work or not.
After a while I finished cramming my car full of my stuff -- and then went and hugged my two boys goodbye. I then offered a brief apology to W for losing my temper, and then left.
My sitch just sucks. And I can't DB myself out of a paper bag.
You are absolutely right, you can't DB. Your W isn't allowing you to DB and you see DBing's only measure of success being reconcilliation. DBing is also for you. You did what you did. Don't sweat it.
IMHO, mediation isn't for you. Your W is a bit confrontational and maybe you would be better off having an attorney handle it for you. You don't have to be adverserial, but I think you need some to be looking out for you. I have heard of too many horror stories of mediation cases gone bad for someone. Usually by a confrontational argumentative person.
Stay strong brother. You are a good man and a great dad. You are doing right by your boys.....that is what matters.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Big big hugs to you NCB...you were trying so hard. It sounds like your w feels like she has given you 'enough chances' to come and get your computer stuff, but that you have been caught surprised by her demand to get it out NOW.
I can put myself in her shoes. She is trying to gain control of the situation to make you bend to her wishes so she feels better. Best case scenario I can think of for moving forward is to not mention the fight again, other than do what you already have done (to apologise for losing your temper). If she brings up the topic again you could consider saying some of the following:
"I allowed myself to get angry. I am sorry for that" "I can imagine that you might have been nervous about what I would say when you told me to take my stuff. I understand that you felt that you had been clear in the past about getting my stuff. I am happy to get the computer stuff out of your way, I just wasn't ready to do it then and there and was caught on the back foot and responded poorly"
I dunno if that helps...I'm typing out of my bottom here, but I know the sort of situation you are talking about. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. A doormat if you give in and the worst person in the world if you try to stand up for yourself. 180s don't seem to work in this situation - do you feel the same way?
MC, right now I would be fine with even a most basic level of reconciliation -- semi-congeniality and civility. We don't necessarily have to be best friends anymore, but we need to get along at least cordially, without this hostility, for the sake of our two small children.
Originally Posted By: LooseThread
180s don't seem to work in this situation - do you feel the same way?
Oh, yes, LT. Very much. I have come to realize that what I need to do is the right thing, even if that too damns me. At least I can then live with myself, even if she still refuses to.
What I should not have done was allow myself to get angry, especially with our S's present. It didn't help the situation, and gave her what she really wanted -- another tool to bludgeon me with, now and later.
just catching up on your stitch.. im so sorry she is being a beast of a person.. By your post I can see she likes turning things around on you purposely, probably so she doesn't have to feel so guilty about what she is doing, they are all good at that.
I wonder some days in the end if its all worth it.. some days I wish I could have skipped the marriage part and just had my kids.. but then they wouldn't have a father, so its a catch 22.
(((hugs)) to you..
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
