Got an email this morning from an old college buddy. W & I (and 40 other friends) went to his wedding back in the day. I think he was one of the first to marry.
As I said, the OM in my sitch is my former best friend, and also an old college buddy. Same crowd.
Anyway in this email, my old friend indicated he knew all about our situation, my W and her OM. I'd never talked to him about it. People talk I guess.
It's a somber realization that this "news" is spread so far now. It's a scandal. Our relationship is tabloid material. Tsk. To face the reality, W will have to have superhuman inner strength and willpower. It seems easier I think, to shift blame to me and call me an abuser.
This goes along with the meme I was noticing - the infidelity=shame meme. I posted this elsewhere.
Quote: ------ ...we are in this spot where she had an affair. I think she feels (secretly) as if she is the "bad girl", the sinner. If she was unhappy, she could have said, "Gee, H, we need to talk about our relationship. It's not as good as I'd like, and I'd really like to make it better." Instead she had an affair and plunged us into crisis. Like stage 2 from the womensinfidelity.com website:
Quote:
Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis - even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society's belief that women are either "good" or "bad," women will question their "good girl" status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.
...
On the "constant reminders are everywhere" - I just started noticing this. You know, infidelity is so common, but it is viewed as still a very serious offense culturally in the US. I notice it in movies, in TV shows, everywhere. Last night I started watching the 1974 flick, Chinatown, with Jack Nicholson, about the California water crisis in the 1930's. The opening scene showed a man facing his wife's infidelity.
W got a movie from Netflix before I moved out of the house - Premonition with Sandra Bullock. The central theme was a woman who has a premonition about her husband dying. But the husband was about to start and affair, and the wife (Bullock) actually said, maybe it's a good thing he died, because that way we avoided all the pain he was about to cause us in that affair... Ouch!
I went to a parenting seminar - mandated by the county in all divorces involving children under a certain age. The counselor who conducted the course kept talking about keeping conflict out of the parental dialogue when children are around. She'd say things like "Forget about who had the affair, it's better to just put the blame behind you for the sake of the kids."
I mean, it seems like a constant barrage of guilt and shame for people who have affairs, despite the fact that they are so common! So I am aware of this and looking for ways out, for both of us.
Interesting = the email from the old college buddy included a link to a website with photos fo the last time all the old gang got together. It was fall 2004. I looked after I posted the above. The first couple photos were of W and I, arm in arm, smiling away for the camera. In love! Wow. Those were the days! She had a beautiful smile. It's been a long time since I've seen her smile like that. Too long.
Right after that, the very next month in fact, my mom passed away. And coincidentally or not, that is when our troubles started. That is when W started to feel down. We went to Paris the next spring, just the two of us, only a few months later, and she told her friends that she wasn't happy on that trip. We walked through gardens and dined in intimate restaurants and went to museums and stayed in a 4-start hotel famous for being used by French senators who were carrying on illicit affairs! It was nifty. We climbed the Eiffel Tower and gazed across the city of romance.
Looking back through photos since 2005/6, I notice that her smile looks strange, odd, forced, or fake. I'm not just imagining it. It's really true. Her face totally changed. I wonder if she ever noticed that. It's a striking difference.
Oh, yeah - I was talking to my IC the other day, and she gave me something I liked.
I was talking about my marriage, and how W seems to want to paint it all black. The accusations of long-term abuse are tough to hear. I know it wasn't true. She said, "isn't it interesting that two people can have such different views of the same marriage?"
Counselors are so wise. The point is, just because W is sh!tting all over our shared history, doesn't mean I have to agree with her. Actually my marriage was a beautiful thing. No matter what she says now. A joy and a blessing and a gift (warts and all) and i will not change my mind about that, no matter what the Alien says.
SirPrizeMe: Are you still fighting for your marriage? It sounds just like mine. How long have you been at it and how many slip-ups have you had along the way?
I just started my 180 on Monday and slipped today. I'm lost.
I'm sure you are feeling all sorts of mixed up. I was like that, too. It stinks. Sorry you are here.
So I am DBing. Am I still fighting? Yes! But... I don't think of it as fighting any longer. Maybe I am fighting.... but it is a different kind of fighting. I am no longer fighting my wife, that's for sure. I used to fight HER, and now I am fighting the DIVORCE.
The difference? I'm not arguing with her any longer.
How many slip ups have I had? About.... a million? In the beginning I wanted to DB but it just didn't come to me. I was in denial a long time. Also misinformed. Also ... ah, it's complicated.
So here I am. It has been, let's see, 18 months since I found out about the affair. Here's a milestone: I no longer count the months. (I had to think about it)
Be patient with yourself.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Hey thank you for the reply. I'm so lost here that it is nice to hear a supportive voice.
So if I'm reading this right, my slip up tonight is NOT a deal-buster, but part of the long road I have ahead, correct?
Now, should I just go back to the original principles and continue on the 180 path while trying to work on my own life?
I need to be sure I don't compromise my daughter in all this, so I'm guessing your advice would be as follows: 1) do my best to NOT discuss my feelings with my wife 2) always appear happy, even when I'm not 3) spend time working on me and simply enjoying the wonderful 4 1/2 year old I have in my life 4) Be very, very patient
Thanks again for replying. It is nice to know there is somewhere I can go and get some help and support.
