This may sound hokey and stupid, but don't be afraid to PRACTICE the things that you want to say, especially if they don't come naturally to you. Role-playing (when no one is around to look at you like you're wack-o, of course!) can really help make you confident in tense moments. It did for me!!!
An excellent recommendation. This is a great tool for building confidence and ensuring your thoughts are together.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
When I had my confrontation with my wife, I actually wrote out a script, and practiced it over and over about 30 times. Practiced my inflection, my eye contact -- right down to "Mrs. Choc -- look at me" at one critical part.
Thanks everyone - this is all good advice. I've already started practicing. Need some processing time, though, to think through our MC session again and identify what she may have heard that would cause this reaction. I feel like I've said everything a million times already.
Way ahead of you. He's a career man and she likes growth and change. He also doesn't have very broad interests and she likes to be challenged in her thinking.
Use that -- sparingly. Don't be too obvious, but if -- in your talk with your wife tonite -- the context is appropriate, you might want to add some of your own dreams about the future -- bold, challenging, exciting dreams, and how you so hope that she will choose to be a part of them.
Maybe compliment her on how bright she is, if you can do it without being heavy-handed or needy/grabby.
Just a thought. NOP gave me this idea, over on the SSM board. With me, I had it on good authority that OM had belittled my wife's decision to go back to work full-time. For her, this was a HUGE milestone, and a huge challenge, after being a SAHM for nearly all of our 22 years together, and she was rightfully proud of getting her CPT certification and going back to work full-time. He pooh-pooh'd it, and I knew it had made her angry (she didn't know I knew this).
So one night, before retreating to our separate bedrooms (we were living that way back then), I stopped on my way thru the family room and said "G'nite. And oh, by the way . . . (pause for dramatic effect) . . . I'm really proud of you and how you've gone full-time at work. That's a big accomplishment, and must have been scary, and I don't think I ever told you that. G'nite!"
and I went to bed.
She told me months later, after she ended her affair and we were working at reconciliation, that that had meant the WORLD to her.
Just updating. Pretty intense night the other night. WAW came over to the house and we had a nice dinner, steering clear of R talk. Finally after I cleared dishes, she started talking about our MC session.
Too much was said to write here, but we talked about EVERYTHING, and went from talking to crying to laughing to yelling to just sitting and holding each other while being silent. Felt good to get it all out. I was emotionally drained the next day.
WAW started out seeing M in absolute negatives and ended by asking how I could put up with someone as confused as her, that she felt she had a fatal flaw, and asking if she was able to fulfill me.
Early on I said that I'd be willing to work on M, but it would mean absolutely no contact with OM, which is going to be difficult because she's supposed to be on a big project with him. She said she realized that. She also said that she hated being attracted to him, realized it would never be long-term and couldn't understand how she could throw away what she had when she realized this was the case. Then she asked if I'd ever been attracted to anyone. I told her of course, finding someone attractive is only human, but that doesn't mean you jump into bed with them.
I admitted my shortcomings, but gave examples of what I was doing to change them, if not for the good of our R than for moving on. She kept saying she was sorry. Then she said she'd like to go to same C on her own to talk about the problems she'd brought into M. She also said she didn't feel like she could handle the day to day of living together again, and I said I wasn't sure I wanted her to move back into the house. That made her look at me.
So all in all a positive step. At first I felt like she was ready to reconcile. After a good sleep I realized we're still a long way away from that - this is just one step.
It's good that you're keeping it slow and steady. I made the mistake of swinging too wildly between fighting against my wife and then getting all giddy when something good would happen. I'd give myself a solid "B", but it hampered our progress. I often wish I could go back to a couple of key forks in that road, and re-group, with a slower, steadier approach.
