W and I had a long conversation last night. She told me she is so confused about where she is going to live. She sees that apartments are expensive and come with undesirable neighbors. Likewise, she sees living with OM as something that wont work out if she cant find any love to give to him. She decided to offer him $500 a month as rent. We both feel that once our lawyers file our parenting plan, that we both would like to finish our D using a 3rd party facilitated mediator as we are quite agreeable to terms.
We both seem to really enjoy talking with each other now about many things. We are the best of friends. We once again had a long embrace as she left the house. She has come a long ways from where she was 3 months ago. I also have so much more respect and admiration for her.
This morning, I talked with her on the phone and she said she had an hour long call with her good friend last night. Her friend still cannot understand why she wants to leave our marriage. W cant explain it either. W tells me that she sees how happy I am to get her out of my life and move on to other women. I take exception to that and explain I would much prefer her in my life, but that I am accepting that my life would need to move on if we D. I tell her some of Michelle's philosophy about working to keep the love alive and that most marriages can be saved. I ask her if she misses me and she says yes. I end up telling her to keep in mind that I and all our friends and family would be more than willing and happy to have our marriage saved. She can put a stop to it anytime.
As part of my continuation of moving our D forward, I remind her that we need to get her on her own cell phone plan. I point out to her that as we are getting her off all our shared accounts that it would be just as easy to get her back on. She told me that if she does decide to stay that she would want to keep the private accounts. This is yet another hint to me that she is not fully decided about the D.
So, I just finished writing her a touching letter explaining that it is never too late to stop our D. I included Michell's first chapter of DR so that W might understand where I am coming from. I figure that since she is so confused about her future and that she admits to missing me that it cant hurt to reclarify to her that a D is not the answer to her problems. I have nothing to lose as I can move on just fine after a D, but I still want to end my M in a way where I can say to myself that I did my best to save it.
The was I see it , it is far better to ask for R from a point that you can give it up than a point of begging for R. out of being needy.
I think the fact that you are willing to let the M go ironically gives a good change to keep it.
Me 42 W 27 Married: 6 years Together: 7 years Daughter: 3 years Wife away 2/16/2007 - 12/27/2007 (School in a different country) EA/PA began on Jan 07 (found out 12/29/07) Papers served on 2/6/2008
Wow Kerry I am so impressed! You sound so together and calm. I am so all over the place right now. It is amazing you can talk to OM, too. Even though my H says OW is now an X-OW, I still kind of want to scratch her eyes out I think it is great for you to write her a letter. She seems torn at the moment. It may be that she is afraid you don't want her back since you filed the D, so hearing that you are open to the possibility may help her decide what to do. But moving forward with things also shows her you aren't pressuring her to stay. Nice job! Hope you continue to make such great progress, whatever the outcome. I am curious how she will respond to the book chapter...
My W is moving on for sure. I can live with that. We are going to be good friends. At least by me showing that I still want the M, I am ending this chapter of my life knowing that I am not the one to quit.
I can see we are going to have a very amicable D process. We are agreeable on all terms. The only thing I would fight for now if she wanted was spousal support. Otherwise, I am more than fair in what I am offering her. If she wants to fight it she knows we will lose around $12,000 in legal fees and she would most likely lose as she is now living in a multi-million dollar home on the edge of a lake in one of the richest per capita cities in Oregon.
One problem my W did was to not ask her lawyer how much she charges. As Gomer Pyle used to say...surprise surprise surprise. Today her lawyer told her it will be $5000 on her side only. When W asked her lawyer if the two of us could come in and get the uncontested divorce papers done, her lawyer told her that she cant represent both of us and that the D has to be done going back and forth between both lawyers. BS!!! My lawyer was more than willing to help both of us as a neutral person helping get the paperwork filed. W is going to ask OM how to go about firing her lawyer tomorrow as her lawyer just wants to drag it all out and get paid more. She wants to lie to her lawyer that we are getting back together so as to ease out quietly. I say just tell her you dont like the way she does her service and that you are going elsewhere.
W had a bad impression of lawyers before, but now she really has a bad taste. I told her to think what happens to lawyers that make a pact with the devil - they become politicians.
I showed W that we can do the rest of the D all by ourselves as the county court has downloadable forms and has people there to help you fill out the forms.
I am still retaining my excellent and compassionate attorney for any advise should it arise.
I have to tell you how impressed I am by the way you are handling the situation. Very impressed. I only hope I can be half as compassionate and caring if my situation heads in the same direction.
I have read this thread and am in a similar sitch, 'cept the OM is already out of the picture and I we have been seperated for 7 mos. My stbx is still confused, doesnt know what she wants, wants a D one day then doesnt really know. I filed when she left and sued for primary cust as well (3 daughters), temp hearing already occured and currently we have a 50/50 split. I will tell you this, as much as you SAY you want this D, and are ready for it I do hear you waffle from time to time. Getting a D is NOT the best thing, its the worst outcome, why let HER off the hook? If she wants to do her thing, then do yours, having the D hanging over the both of you right now is just added pressure. Mine is on "hold" at the moment, and I have just started dating. All I am saying is dont be pressured into it out of anger or for ANY reason other than you absolutely know its the right thing to do.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
Well now I am really angry. Talked to W this morning and she is not firing her lawyer today. She wants to talk with me about the financials tonight. She told me her lawyer wants to go after my ownership in my software company and any future big paydays. I gained ownership prior to our marriage. I told W that if it goes this route with a contested divorce that we will lose a lot in legal fees and most likely will lose our friendship for each other. She says her mind is a blank right now. She better figure out that she cant let her lawyer control what we already agreed upon. I swear her lawyer just wants to draw this thing out so she can get paid more.
That sucks KerryK. But from what you have said about W, wait an hour. Things may change all over again.....Keep the faith you are doing a great job....
I am sorry to have you in situation where W tries to take financial advantage of you. I do not know about you state but in my state (Cali) the court look to see if the parent asking for custody is habitual drinker ?(or something like that)
Me 42 W 27 Married: 6 years Together: 7 years Daughter: 3 years Wife away 2/16/2007 - 12/27/2007 (School in a different country) EA/PA began on Jan 07 (found out 12/29/07) Papers served on 2/6/2008
I talked with the person in my company who gave me the shares. He says that the valuation of company now is the almost exactly the same as what it was when I acquired the shares. So if W's lawyer wants to go after it, there is nothing that has increased. I will let W know this so that she does not head down a cheeseless tunnel causing me to lose friendship with her.
I really would find it hard to believe that the lawyer could claim a portion of any future success of my company that occurs after the D.
Now I suppose I should expect W's lawyer to ask for spousal support. I dont see how she can get it if she is living comfortably with OM. I am opposed to paying spousal support for a couple reasons - my W does not need it now and if spousal support is in the final D document then that means that if W hits hard times in the future, she could come back and have the spousal support increase.
I have no problem in being fair on child custody as I am already paying for my kids benefit.
