Maybe she can ask the OM to pay for her dentistry.
You have no idea how tempting it is to say "Can't OM take care of that for you" when my W asks for help. Especially if it's money, because he has none.
The solution for her is simple - give her love to the OM and all her bills will be payed - he is a fairly wealthy guy. The hard part is that she cant fake love - he will be able to detect that I am sure. I wonder how Anna Nicole Smith pulled it off with the really old guy she married.
I helped W get off our shared cell phone plan today and get her setup with her own account with a new phone. She seems once again in shock as another thing she depended upon for is gone.
Tonight is the first night that the kids are staying at W's new place with OM. It hurt at first to see them leave as I have never had S7 be away from me in his life except for one night at my fathers house. It took me a bit to gather my emotions together and I decided to not let it get me down as I knew this day would come.
After working out at the YMCA, I went out by myself to a Mexican restaurant I had never been to. It actually was not too bad to eat out by myself as I have not done something like this for over 10 years. I took my time shopping tonight after dinner. I talked on the phone with W briefly and she felt bad for me that I was going through my first night without the kids. When I got home, I realized that I had a full house to myself (except 2 cats). So I did something I had not done since I was single - I put in Led Zeppelin 2 and cranked it up.
Now if I can just get W to start moving her stuff out of my house, it will allow me to rearrange my house back to an organized manner.
Last Sat, I was going to discuss with W the summary doc I wrote up when I talked with my lawyer. I showed her the paper and she ended up keeping it. In it, I noted that my lawyer said that no way she could get anything from my company or spousal support - he would supoena the OM if necessary to prove he is paying for her well being. I also noted that my lawyer referred to her lawyer as a baby lawyer because of her inexperience. He did say my W's lawyer was a nice lady - just a bit new in law for Oregon.
Anyway, I asked W tonight what she thought about the main thing in my summary note of my lawyer talk - which is us going to a really good mediator that both he and the senior lawyer of W's lawyer firm recommended so as to save us money and to help keep us amicable during and after the D. W just looked at the ceiling and looked so depressed. She did not say anything for a while so I prompted her with "I cannot read your mind". She muttered something like "whatever" and "you have total control". I saw immense sadness and uncertainty in her face. I asked her if she was now thinking it was wrong to get a D. I asked various hypothetical questions about our R and whether it could be saved. She now thinks it is too far gone because she bought mattresses ($200) for the kids and OM had already bought them new beds and a dresser. I told her that you cannot give up on a M because of the investment of a few thousand dollars to legal fees and kids furniture. I asked her if she still loves me. She said nothing, but I could see from her face that there is huge regret of loss.
She thinks that she will always become angry at times. I told her that anyone can change their behaviour if they desire. I also told her that if she cannot change, she is going to have other failed R's. She even told me that D5 told her that I was going to find a prettier girl than her. And that the kids had said something nice to be polite about the handsomeness of OM.
Now I know my brother reads this and wants this ordeal over for me, so he will probably stop by this week and whack me with a short 2x4. It is true what Michelle says - friends and family just want you to dump the WAS for what they have put you through. So, when W was leaving the house tonight, we held each other in the entry way and had a long passionate series of kisses like we had not had in a very long time. I whispered in her ear that I loved her and then I turned around and behind us was D5 with a picture of a red heart she had just drawn and colored. I saw that and a tears started swelling in my eyes.
I dont know what is going on in my W's head. It all sounds so typical to the stories of others. I just hope my W goes to see a C to help her sort out her problems in her mind. She is one confused girl. And her confusion causes me confusion. I dont like being in limbo between getting a D which I have never wanted or waiting indefinitely for her to figure out what she wants in life. For now, I will just give her some time to think before pushing for the meeting with the mediator. We have until the end of March before we could get legally D's anyway as that is when our required "Kids Turn" classes end.
Not really. Most don't say ILY and don't stand in the doorway giving passionate kisses.
Confused is right. Your W sounds like she's too scared to back out of a deal with OM. Give her some time and space to work through her issues. She needs to get to the bottom of her own problems...you can't fix that. You can just be a rock for your kids and for her if she needs one.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I feel for you. I know your W is confused, but JM is right, you need to be there for your kids. I keep telling myself that every morning and every night. They are what matters.
I understand what you mean about your W and the mattresses. My H put down a deposit on an apartment, ordered $2500 worth of furniture from a local superstore, told his parents and a couple close friends (and his ex-OW) that he was moving out last Monday (1/21). In the few days before moving day, he said several times that he didn't want to move out. But when I would try to encourage that discussion, he would point out all that he had done and bought. Like he "owed" it to the apartment company and the furniture store to move out? (FYI in the end he didn't move out) I think our spouses feel a lot of guilt and are torn about what to do. They feel guilty for leaving us. If they have have an OW/OM, they feel guilty for leaving them. If they have finally made a decision to leave, they feel like they HAVE to b/c they have been so confused for so long, that making a decision seems like the right thing to do. WE understand how easy it is to just come home, but they don't. Even with the ex-OW, H still talks to her about once a week. It infuriated me at first, but I am trying not to feel threatened. I read his text messages to her a few months ago. He was telling her how after Christmas he would leave me, they would be together, etc.... Now that he wants to work things out with me there is just this huge sense of guilt b/c of promises made that are now broken. On the one hand, I don't feel bad for OW b/c she knew my H was married. But I am trying to understand how my H must feel. It is hard to just up and walk away from someone.
So I guess what I am saying is as hard as things are, if you can keep having those conversations and passionate kisses, do it. You never know how close your W is to coming home. If you leave her alone, detach, in her case that could be the wrong thing. She may think it means you don't want her and she might hold tighter to OM. Just continue to be honest, showing her what life will be like without you (financial and personal responsibility), and also reminding her what life is like with you (passionate kisses). I know it is such a fine line to walk, but you are doing it already. Good luck!
Yesterday morning, I mentioned to W on the phone that I was taking the kids up to the mountain to go sledding and that she could join us. She said that sounded like fun.
Last night, we briefly talked on the phone. She needed me to print some pictures for her school and find her rebate form for her new phone online. She also said that we need to have a good talk together soon about our situation. I said sure, but cant help but wonder what she wants to talk about. Either way, I am ready for whatever decision she makes. Half of me is ready to move on and go back to my old independent single life while the other half wants to have my family back as one. However, I refuse to take her back if she says that she needs to go out to bars every once in a while. Either way she goes, I am going to be happy and do all I can for my kids.
I also talked with her best friend yesterday and she said that W does not want to talk about her situation. W has no one (except maybe OM) that she is confiding in. She is in such turmoil right now with stress from work and deciding upon the biggest decision in her life.
