Thanks choc. Just don't know what to do now. Feel like I should ask her to dinner or something, but am thinking more of just letting it be. After all, I'm taking care of myself, doing new things that make me happy, and generally living life. She's the one who needs to sort things out and figure out the priorities and if involving me in her life is a priority, then I will hear from her. Otherwise, she hasn't done anything to show me that she's really willing to leave OM behind and re-commit to our M.
The problem is, that "alien" -- and its attendant fog -- will be right back as soon as they have contact again. Without a "no-contact" agreement, and a full-transparency system in place, you're going to be looking at nothing but fits and starts.
Have you asked her again if she's willing to do that? Sounds like there might be an opening there.
We haven't talked about R since the intense night. At that time, she said she knew that no contact and full transparency was what was needed but didn't actually agree to it.
I know she's really struggling with herself, though. She'd decided it was over 2 weeks ago. Then the MC session did something to make her want to talk. When we talked, it was very clear that we still have a deep connection and could easily work things out if she only made that choice. But she's scared of something and would rather have a fling she knows won't last than work on M. She made an appointment to go see the good C alone, so that's a good sign.
I guess another good sign is that I spoke with her last night and her tone was caring. I'd called about some house stuff. After talking through that, she started asking about my weekend and generally sounded like the person I used to know. I'd assumed that she'd see OM over the weekend and would be distant again next time we talked.
She's going to see her sisters this weekend and I was thinking of contacting one of them who knows what's going on and telling her that I'm fighting for M.
It's good to at least know where along the timeline you are. As for me, I'd also rather have my wife at least be honest with me, then lie to me (or simply waffle or "cake-eat") and say they'll do no-contact, and then not follow thru on it. Your wife is at the "I understand that it needs to be done, but I'm not ready to agree to it" stage, and at least that provides clarity and it's emotionally honest.
Is her sister supportive of the marriage? To anyone that is, if your "tune" could all be the same, it might help cut thru the fog:
"Sis, I know he's not perfect, but he seems to be genuinely willing to work at things. You can't possibly do that, though, so long as there's another man in your marriage. I really hope you'll agree to end all contact with him, and go back and work on your marriage. Let me know how I can help."
If your wife gets that from ALL QUARTERS, it could help.
Good signs or not, I'm really feeling the rollercoaster right now. One minute I'm pissed and never want to see her again and the next I decide I'll be patient and wait this thing out. I don't know if I should suggest we do stuff, ignore her, or treat her like a casual acquaintance.
PMA and GAL is pretty hard right now. Maybe I need to take some time off work. Talked to WAW's sister. She was supportive but also warned that WAW may not find her way out of this. Told me to hang in there, but do I really want to end up with the kind of person WAW is right now?
No, you don't, but she won't always be "this person." I don't necessarily like the "alien" moniker, but it's a physiological fact that even shows up on CAT scans of the brain, that people in looooove are altered, chemically, and it affects their moods and their decision-making.
This IS your wife, but this is NOT necessarily her at her core values. That still has yet to play out. I'm just trying to get you to define well-intentioned people's "support" as "ask them to ask your wife to end all contact and return to the marriage."
People in affairs are single-minded and often DENSE. You (and those that are trying to help support the marriage) need to be very single-minded in your approach, in my opinion.
Okay, I've sunk into a hole and I'm pissed about it. This has to stop. She is affecting me in ways I hate. She and I have these intense emotional encounters - I feel like we've shared more than we've shared in years - and then she shuts down, leaving me confused and reeling.
And I don't know what to do. Detach? Demand time together (since that was the problem in our M)? Act casual?
I've enlisted the help of friends/family, but she shuts them out to. When we talked the other night, she admitted that I'm the only one who really knows her.
We separated before - 8 years ago, before we were married. Same situation - she was in school and completely wrapped up in newness, challenges, and possibilities. It all burned out after 8 months and I had to pick up the pieces. The thing is, do I feel like dealing with that again? And when is the next time we go through this cycle? The A is secondary - I'm sure she's blowing OM off as much as me. It's her ambition that's the real OP.
Her sis said this, said she may not know how to ever make a R a priority. 12 years, though, we've been together and I've always been able to deal with it. Thing is, when I check out or stop paying attention to maintaining the emotional balance, things fall apart. That's what happened last time, that's what's happening now. Don't I deserve someone who can be there for me too?
Sorry for the vent. I'm pissed and confused and tired. lodo
I do understand, I really do. But you're asking the wrong guy. See I believe that until your wife agrees to end ALL CONTACT, and come back to your marriage, you shouldn't BE having "intense emotional encounters," in which you "share." That's an intimate part of you that he doesn't deserve while he's not committed to working at the marriage.
Until she agrees to no-contact, and a bullet-proof transparency plan that YOU are comfortable with, your demeanor around your wife should be "Joe Friday" -- just the fact, ma'am. Yes, be civil -- even cordial. Do your household duties, and then a little bit more. Answer her questions, attend to your mutual business in a cooperative way.
But intense emotional encounters??? Unh-unh.
Five days ago, I suggested:
Quote:
I would NOT get into any self-analysis and self-criticism with her. If she insists on you telling her what makes you happy, frustrated, etc., just say "Nothing would make me happier than for us to grow old together, and our grandkids to be surrounding us with their love; and what makes me angry? The idea that you decided it was OK to invite another man into our marriage and break your wedding vows. THAT makes me angry." And leave it at that.
Hey Choc, write a damn book... I wish I had read some of your thoughts back in September when my sitch started. You have a way of getting points across. You are so right - she does NOT deserve the intense emotional interaction until lodo has her undivided attention.
lodo - I have been there too. This is not our first sitch, only our first sitch involving an OM. And never doubt whether or not you deserve to be treated better. Don't base it on what your wife can provide, base it on what YOU want and need.
Can your W provide your needs? Right now, no. She's making that clear. What about when OM goes away? She will still have ambitions - which is fine but where will you rate? I'm not trying to bring you down, these are questions I ask myself everyday.
Will both of you be willing to find out whether or not you and your W can balance your marriage along with your SEPARATE lives (ambitions, career, external friends, etc.)? These all feed into the marriage but only because they are things that we as individuals bring. We share these things with our spouse and we do not view them as competitive entities to our marriage.
I hope I'm making sense with this. Right now I want the chance to try. I am also quite certain my wife sees being alone as a much easier (and therefore "desirable") choice.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
