I am sorry your got into this mess but it looks to me that whatever you can do to keep yourself from feeling resentment and anger toward W is worth its weight in gold.
I know this older guy who married a young Filipina which he sponsored to come here and after two years she divorced him and left him and he ended up paying child support for a child he did not want so much. He is full with hatred, anger and resentment toward her. He feels that she used him and took advantage of him (and he is right to an extent).
Carrying those feelings to the next relationship will poison them as well.
I said to myself I do not want to carry those kind of feelings with me, it will ruin more than the next relationship it would mess up all my outlook about life.
I am trying always to remember the good qualities of my wife. I actually carry in my valet a card, this has few lists one of them is 5 qualities about my wife.
I hope I can continue having this attitude
Me 42 W 27 Married: 6 years Together: 7 years Daughter: 3 years Wife away 2/16/2007 - 12/27/2007 (School in a different country) EA/PA began on Jan 07 (found out 12/29/07) Papers served on 2/6/2008
Carrying those feelings to the next relationship will poison them as well.
This is true. But being wary is a different story. There are people out there, especially when marrying from another country, that are in it for an ulterior motive. Carrying resentment isn't helpful, but being alert for possible ulterior motives is just learning from experience.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
She can read all she wants, but it's not going to help much once the lawyers start their battles - How long is she going to fight until her attorneys says her retainer got burned through?
My W does not even know what a retainer is yet. She does not even know how much her lawyer charges. Unfortunately, she will be using our shared checking account to pay. I will be keeping track on her legal fees and will make sure to account for that on our settlement.
I said to myself I do not want to carry those kind of feelings with me, it will ruin more than the next relationship it would mess up all my outlook about life.
You have the correct attitude Lian. I am sure I will lose the short lived anger towards my wife - that is the kind of guy I am. Life is too short to be angry about things done in the past. Here is a good link about foregiveness: How to let go of grudges and bitterness
My W does not even know what a retainer is yet. She does not even know how much her lawyer charges. Unfortunately, she will be using our shared checking account to pay. I will be keeping track on her legal fees and will make sure to account for that on our settlement.
I'd say now is a good time to start to separate things and have 'my money' and 'your money'. I'd not let her just run wild with a checking account and a lawyer.
Right now the money will get split two ways - You and her. Would you rather share the whole thing with her lawyer, or just her portion? At least with your own attorney you can limit the expense as much as possible.
I'd say now is a good time to start to separate things and have 'my money' and 'your money'. I'd not let her just run wild with a checking account and a lawyer.
I will have to tell her that now that she has a permanent address, that it is time to get her own checking and have her employer direct deposit to that. I will get her off our checking and transfer over a fixed amount to her and record that so as to use as part of our final settlement. This will force her to understand that she has to start managing her own expenses.
Thank you for the link, it is something I need. I printed it as PDF file and I keep electronically so I can refer to it.
I am still struggling with letting go of resentment resulted from being betrayed by some people I trusted. That betrayal cause the M to sink deeper. .
I do believe that carrying such intense negative feelings bring other bad things into one's life.
Me 42 W 27 Married: 6 years Together: 7 years Daughter: 3 years Wife away 2/16/2007 - 12/27/2007 (School in a different country) EA/PA began on Jan 07 (found out 12/29/07) Papers served on 2/6/2008
I told W earlier this afternoon about splitting our checking so that we could have our own financial responsibility. She went irrational on me. Says that she does not know how to manage her own money, does not know about divorce laws, is seeing a dentist and wonders why because she wont be on my health insurance much longer, blah blah blah. I try to tell her that divorce means going our own seperate ways and not relying on me anymore.
So I called her just a little while ago to see how the dentist was and I talked to a pleasant W. She told me that she now needs a filing, major root canal work, has serious infection, and needs a crown. She wants to know how much longer it will be until our D will be over as she wants to get this dental work done. I also believe that my insurance will not cover all the work she said.
She talked candidly to me explaining that she agreed with me that we should use a mediator and get a 3rd party lawyer to help us do the paperwork. Our lawyers are going to cost us and arm and and leg fighting with each other. She says she is under a lot of stress now because of her work, dental, parenting plan, divorce, etc...
She told me that tomorrow night that OM wants her to be at his side at some meeting/conference and she cant see how she can go and be happy with so much trouble in her life now. I think I know that OM wants my W as a status symbol at such functions. What 67 year old guy would not be happy being seen with a fairly attractive gal that is 30 years younger than him? I told her that she should go and have fun and that we should go through the weekend without talking about our D. We have S7's piano recital on Sat and his Cub Scout Pinewood derby on Sunday. And D5 might have a friend from out of town come over to spend the night. I even told W that she can stay at our house to get the perception that we are still living together.
So for now, it looks like she might be back to being able to work on getting this D done without lawyers haggling. I am talking to my lawyer tomorrow about seperating our checking and ask his opinion of mediator/3rd party shared lawyer.
I am going to my golf lesson much more calmed and at ease and will probably be hitting that ball with perfection!
