lodo, maybe you could take lessons from my H on how not to get sucked into an R talk. He's the Champ on that! Seriously, if those intense R talks are leaving you drained and pissed then don't do it. Change what you're doing. Listen and support but don't offer yourself on the platter to be carved up.
You mentioned how tired you are. Try to be sure and get enough sleep. I used to run on 3-4 hours a night and *thought* I was fine but have learned that if I get at least 6-8 hours I function better and my emotions are more stable.
How's the triathalon training?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Just to clarify, the intensity was her being brutally honest about herself, her missing what we had, her confusion about her affair, and her inability to balance things in her life. All of that, combined with a lot of hugging and crying and "I'm so sorry" and just lying with me in front of the fire made me think that SOME kind of corner had been turned. I didn't self-analyze, I tried to be confidant, honest, and toe the line of saying we could work on the marriage, but OM had to be completely out of picture. Obviously you can't have a 3 hour conversation without revealing some things, and I said what I didn't like about myself in our M and what I was doing to change those things, but only because we're S and she can't see those changes.
Anyway, little to no contact since and yesterday outright avoidance. I don't know what she'll do about A, but she's going to C on her own. He's good, so maybe he'll shake her up (which is why she wants to go).
Michael McC, I'm trying to figure out what I need. I just hate how she can so easily push my buttons by broaching these subjects and then shutting down. I know it's the rollercoaster, I just am still getting used to the highs and lows. Her ambitions are obviously a problem and might be the bigger problem - I don't really know what's going on in the A. She said she ended the PA but was still in EA, but she also does nothing but work, so the EA has probably turned into more of an ideal than an actuality. I have to admit that I snooped into cell phone records, and while she still calls OM (who she has to work with) off and on, the conversations aren't often or long.
So, if she can't balance her life, maybe I should move on. I've always been able to be the stability in the past, but when I can't do it, things fall apart. She DOES see being alone as easier, even preferable. This is what happened to us 8 years ago and she eventually realized how lonely she was and it was like a light switch had been flipped. This time EA may prevent that. Who knows.
Hey WCW, glad to hear from you. I'm sleeping, though back into the hourly wake-up. Still training, though it's been raining like crazy around here for over a week. I have to go clothes shopping again - started out wearing 34 waist and am now down to 31. Least I'll look good if I start dating again!
In my opinion, you're in "Limbo," and there's a reason why the words "stuck in" usually precede that proper noun.
She's getting to still enjoy some of the best intimacy of you, while not having to fully come back to you. She's cake-eating, and the longer you allow her to do it, the longer you're going to be stuck, in my opinion.
All right. Guess I need to just suck it up and get her out of my mind again. If she wants to talk, I'll ask her if she's willing to end it with OM and agree to no-contact. If not, there's nothing to talk about.
In the meantime, I'm thinking of boxing up her stuff this weekend. Would make me feel better not looking at it. It's an obvious clue to her state of mind that she's left all her stuff in the house and still hasn't moved from her aunt's into an apartment, even though we discussed it over 2 months ago.
I'm starting to feel like I need to protect myself from the train wreck that her life is turning into. Don't know how to balance that with being open to working on M, but I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes.
The boy just grew a pair. I started looking at Choc's old threads and advice Hairdog gave and finally realized, fighting for a M means FIGHTING. It isn't hanging back and accepting.
So, sent an email to WAW. Told her the situation was unacceptable. Told her she was disrespectful of me, our M, her family/friends, and herself by having A. Told her the OM was a slimeball who tries to seduce married women.
Went on to tell her that I offered her support but needed her to communicate. If she couldn't expend that little amount of energy, it was her choice, but was divorce equivalent to asking for some space and additional support?
Concluded by repeating an old love letter she wrote, then saying that I will be there for her, but not in this situation, and that I needed to protect myself from the train wreck that her life was becoming. It didn't have to be this way, but the choice was hers.
While I always think the "24-hour rule" is good policy, it sounds like you've waited 24 WEEKS. I'm glad you're finally standing up for yourself. Just make sure you are doing it out of love, and not out of anger and resentment.
Are you??
I discovered last May that my 47yo wife was having an affair with her 29yo personal trainer. I confronted her initially with "Is there someone else?", then confronted her with the evidence on May 26th. After a summer spent GALing, learning to lay down firm boundaries, and steadfastly "shining a path" back toward my marriage while never wavering from my "100% no-contact" insistence, she still refused to end it, and on July 18th I filed for divorce. My wife came to me on August 24th in tears, full of remorse, and begging to reconcile. We immediately instituted the no-contact/transparency plan, put the divorce on a "stay" and began trying to heal our marriage, which is where we are now.
She had one relapse with OM contact, came to me honestly about it, and we tightened up the transparency plan to make it more bullet-proof, and we are working on things. Our longer-term SSM problems are still there, and I'm going to have to make some decisions very soon about what my own personal integrity is on that issue, but the affair is long since dead and gone, the fog has lifted, and she is back home caring for our children.
Hi Choc, I'm doing it out of love, though I just backslid big time.
WAW emailed back - said I was right in not accepting the situation. Said I was also right that she was too concentrated on work to have an affair (though still EA). She said she was almost ready to try again after our intense convo last week, but she stopped short. Said she obviously doesn't know how to maintain relationships.
She went to C today and called me after she got back. At first she seemed pretty positive. Said he was very helpful, made her think about her actions. But then we got into R talk and she started sliding towards saying she was happy doing what she's doing right now and wants to continue down that path. Needless to say, our M is a distraction.
Anyway, she wants to continue going to MC, but she doesn't know where it's headed. I said we had time, but not if OM was still involved. She just shook her head yes.
I hugged her goodbye and she gave a long hug back. Feeling confused again, but glad I went ahead and tried shaking things up a bit with the email.
Reasonable people can disagree about the "confronting" vs. "you'll only drive them together" schools of thought. But IF you're going to send an e-mail like that, then you have to back it up. What you've done is like telling your child "if you don't pick up those toys RIGHT NOW, you're not going to get any DESSERT!" ... and then, when they say "well, Dad, I picked SOME of them up, and I'm really TRYING here, but I'm just not sure I can pick ALL of them up..." you get into a big conversation with them about the pros and cons of picking up toys, then you hug, and tuck him into bed. Don't draw a boundary unless you intend to encorce it -- 100%. That's something I'm sure we ALL can agree on.
