So, husband is in an obvious funk. We have had sex twice in a week, so it's become "middle of the road" again. Not sex-starved in my opinion, but not "passionate" enough in his.
I have been trying to respect his need for some wind-down time and have kept the kids and myself out of the house till 6 or 8 in the evening most nights this week, but it isn't doing any good. I can go into a bunch of detail, but basically HE HAS SAID as of the last two days that he doesn't know what is wrong with him, he doesn't even want to come home, he sees nothing wrong with drinking beer and plopping the kids in front of the tv till they both crash, etc. I feel after he has had a business meal out at a steakhouse (meanwhile, I'm eating chicken nuggets and mac n cheese) or I have intentionally kept the kids out at McDonald's play place or a friend's house so that they are fed when he comes home and ALL WE WANT is for him to PLAY with them, that is NOT asking too much. He just recently attended his last counseling session (a few weeks ago) and we decided we a) couldn't afford it anymore and b) were doing better. Then all of a sudden this crops up. He had tears in his eyes the other night when I was prodding him to get up off the bed and help me or at least play with the kids. I asked him if he felt this way during the day while at work, he said no, because then he has something to focus on. I said well, you used to say all your problems were work related, then you got on AD's and everything started going much more smoothly with you and the boss. (He sarcastically said, "I guess it was just ME all along!") Then he said it was all my fault, I didn't show him enough passion and he requested *I* get on AD's, so I did. The next month, I caught him emailing the woman from out of town he'd met at a convention and I started posting here. I went into full DB mode and things improved. I got us the hotel room over Christmas and have been doing certain sexual things on his "list" that he claimed would prove my love for him. Then a few weeks ago, OUT OF THE BLUE, he writes me an email from work that said:
I need you to tell me the truth. 15 years ago, when we finally decided to get back together and the next day I found you still asleep at Charles house...did you [censored] him? Don't tell me you don't remember.
I dealt with this as calmly and rationally as I could, saying I wasn't going to discuss it any more, nothing productive comes from it, etc. He snottily said, "I guess there's my answer." I said no, it's not, but you can choose to twist it however you like. I truly don't remember, but told him whatever I told him in the past is the truth because I was always up front about what all had happened, even when it was hurtful. I don't believe I did. I think I went over to his house to break things off/say goodbye sort of and fell asleep. He woke us the next morning, banging on the door and we were clothed. It is a foggy memory that I'm sure we rehashed at the time, but he has continued to play over and over in his head. So after an evening of tension and him finding other things to bite my head off over, this went away.
So, now, with his "down in the dumps" behavior the last few days, I have tried to say that he needs to see a psychiatrist, because it will combine the counselor he was seeing with the person prescribing his AD meds into the same person, which makes perfect sense to me. I talked to him about it on the phone yesterday. He kept saying he had to go and we about got into it just in order for me to talk to him for 3 min. I said I wanted him to call up his friend from out of town (single guy) and arrange a weekend. He softened a tiny bit then. Last night, when he finally came home around 8:00 - (he called around the time he usually comes home and said he was staying late, then we got into it and after he was home, and he said he also stopped for a beer), he said that I said he was mental and I needed a psychiatrist, etc. I didn't say any of the disparaging remarks he said I did, I was simply saying (after he said he would not go) that I was going to insist that he does continue to see someone. He said later it was because of the way I said it that he said no. I don't think I said it any way, but just that he is defensive about the whole subject. So last night, he still ate dinner by himself in the bedroom, tried to have the kids brush their teeth on their own while laying in bed, etc. I told him the kids needed him to PLAY with them, that Mari had been asking when he would get home etc and he mumbled as he walked away that they were the only reason he came home. Nice.
So this morning, I make a point to make him breakfast, so he won't do the usual diet of doughnuts/coke/burgers/pizza/beer that he subsists on. I sent him with an egg sandwich, a banana, some protein shakes a brownie and his vitamin. ALL I said this morning was, "I'm sorry if you think I said things a certain way, it wasn't my intention, but just think for a minute that maybe because of not taking care of yourself and the extremely normal stresses of parenting, etc that things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe your work isn't so much more difficult than anyone else's and maybe your kids aren't any more awful than anyone else's and maybe your marriage isn't any less passionate than anyone else's. Wouldn't that be good to know?"
He sent me this email: Thank you for making me breakfast today. I have not heard back from Clint yet. Robin I don't think I need a shrink or meds to level me out. I just feel overwhelmed with existing for everyone else...I never get any real time for myself. The daily monotony is weighing me down. Get up, got to work, come home, get kids fed, bathed, ready for bed, go to sleep, start again. I need more time for me and excitement from you. I love you but I can't continue without changing something. I don't know what that is, but I need some real passion, not only from you but also form myself in the form of pursuing my interests and hobbies as well as some sort of social outlet. I don't know if I can explain it with words.
I love you,
February 9 will be 17 years for us, but he won't celebrate it because he haven't been "together" that whole time, since the beginning. He celebrates our wedding anniversary (well sort of.)
PLEASE don't just read all of this and then not post your reaction. I know my perspective has been skewed because I have no intentions of divorcing this man unless things get even worse, and I TRULY don't think he is going to have (or is having) an affair, but I think he fantasizes about not having any commitments. So what can I do about the fact that he's married, works full time and has 2 kids?? Does he really think it would be better if he were single?
Hi zuzu - I am a LDW. My H would be ecstatic about 2x a week! My H also has difficulty accepting all of his responsiblities. Generally, he's very good - but sometimes the "I want time for me and my hobbies" clearly rings out.
Recently, we've started taking turns intiating LM.
As for what I call his struggle between the want to be married with kid v. want to be single and have what I want when I want syndrome, I've accepted that he will never be 100% the kind of H I had expected in a M. I realize I'm probably not 100% the kind of wife he wanted either. I think kids take a far greater toll than either of us imagined.
My H encourages me to get out and do things on my own and/or with friends. I do not do this enough, but it helps when I do. I have lots of other stressors happening right now, so I often don't have time for me. But it is important to make time. Do you do that?
My H is 50. Possibly suffering from a MLC. Our first counselor told me he had narcissistic tendencies but no disorders.
I kept track of good and bad days for a while and had far more good than bad, so I'm still trying to work on the M.
Not sure if any of that helps you, but I could feel your pain. The low times are very difficult. Like I said, I have lots of stuff going on - I try to take things a day at a time.
I think you and your husband could benefit greatly from a Retrouvaille weekend. See the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org for dates and locations. Also, be sure to read the section on the 4 stages of a marriage. You have probably reached (as we all have here) the Misery Stage. Retrouvaille can help. The weekend saved my marriage when we were at a severe crisis point. It is NOT counseling. It is a weekend together with your spouse thinking about your past and your future. It is very positive, and does not rehash a lot of garbage. In fact, it puts the garbage out for good. After the first morning, there is no more bringing up the past! (Even whe you get home.)
You will learn to communicate in a positive way with your spouse. You and he will both learn to listen to each other with a new kind of openness.
From your description of the situation, I think your husband is trying to do what you want. His letter is very honest. You need to listen openly without preconceived solutions to his problem. And he needs to listen to you also without preconceived solutions. Retrouvaille will give you the tools to solve your problems without medication, psychologists or counselors. It is completely a self-help group -- couples who have succeeded in healing their marriages showing other couples how to do it.
Thank you all so much. I have the kids in the bathtub and to come out here and see if anyone responded, it feels like a hug to find that people understand. I was dreading hearing, "well, no wonder he's unhappy, look at a, b & c that you're doing." God, I'm human and it's trying to be in a marriage like this. We both have our ups and downs.
Yes, he seems to be depressed and HE is the one who (2 days in a row) said he's probably going through a midlife crisis. He is on (generic version of) Zoloft 50 mg/day.
Yes, I do try to take time for me. I think WHEN I do that, and being his wife is not my full time job (like attacking him on a regular basis, doing kinky things he's into) that's when he starts to feel dissatisfied. He went out of town on business, came home, I wore a pretty nightgown, took a shower, shaved (like he likes) wore perfume, initiated, etc. Then got involved in scrapbooking late at night and didn't have sex again until night before last. There was almost a week in between those two nights. He was falling asleep at almost exactly 10:00 so it's not like we were up together and I was just not interested. He could barely stay awake long enough to help me put the kids down, then he'd crash watching >30 min of tv.
Tonight I have a Girls Night Out I have planned. We are meeting for drinks at 7 pm. When I emailed him to remind him of it, he said ok, then listed all the things he wants to do. I said, pick a date and schedule them, but he doesn't.
And about Retrouvaille, I have the paperwork for TWO different seminars I looked into for us. I have done everything but stamp my foot and say WE ARE GOING WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. He comes up with excuses, like they're religious-based, who'll watch the kids, we can't afford it, etc. I have tried to convince him of the value of putting it on a credit card if it improved our marriage what a wonderful gift that would be for ourselves AND our children. The paperwork just sits there.
I will bring it up again. He seems so defensive about any suggestions that he needs help, but I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry, but this doesn't bring out my "PASSION!"
Thank you so much for your advice - I'll take any and all (even differing viewpoints) on what I should do here. I really appreciate the insight.
That is a misconception that Retrouvaille is religion-based. It is not based on religion. It is supported financially by the Catholic Church. The things that you are taught at a Retrouvaille weekend are not Catholic doctrine. They are secular. The topic is marriage. They talk about their lives, and they teach you to dialogue. I am Jewish, and I still don't know what my husband is. We are happily married graduates of the program, and the affiliation with the Church had no influence on us. There is an optional Mass Saturday morning, that we did not attend. And there is a closing Mass on Sunday afternoon, that we also did not attend. There are approximately 18 couples at each Retrouvaille session. Many of them appreciate the presence of the priest and want to talk privately with him. He is there for those people. We were polite to the priest at our session, he was a nice guy, and we talked to him about his travels, but we did not get religious counseling there.
Your idea about the psychiatrist is spot on I think - if you can get him to see that. I went to see a psychiatrist to get all my meds sorted out and to see what type of counselling I would benefit from as well. He sorted my meds and put me with a clinical psychologist who has been a great therapist. I have benefitted fron cognitive behavioural therapy. I am now completely off the AD's. It has changed my life.
AD's affect passion and sex drive often. I got the feeling from your post at the top of this thread that you may be on AD's too - this could be affecting your libido - just a thought.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Zuzu, he is hurting and you cannot fix it. He is the only one who can. You can support whatever solution he comes up with, but you can't fix how he feels or how he sees his life. There are career counselors and life coaches and people who can help, but that's not your job.
Personally I admire that he has stated that his life is lacking in passion and that he doesn't want to live that way forever. Many people would just suck it up and not say anything and go on like that for decades.
But he has to go out on that quest to find the occupation or activity that will inspire him and give him the energy to go on. You can encourage and support him, but you cannot go out and capture the head of the dragon yourself.
Lill is so right that your H is the only person that can sort it. I should have added that as a caveat to my post. I was the one who sought help when I was ready.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
