hmmm....LWB....I hadn't even thought of that option. Good idea. I should see what I can cook up. That would be a 180 for me. I usually sit back and let him plan stuff like that, there's no reason why I couldn't. Thanks for swinging by!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Ok - so i HAVE to do something about this sex thing. It is driving me nuts - we're at the 2 year mark for no sex. Nothing. Not even fooling around - nada, zip, zero. And I'm starting to show signs of aggression (lol) towards H via sarcastic comments. This is becoming a problem. Although, H does appear to be showing signs of waking up in that arena - he at least commented on my new underwear the other day (and how I looked in it) - so at least I know I got his attention, and I did try to initiate Friday evening but got shot down - majorly. That was tough to take. And enough to discourage me for awhile.
H beat me to the punch with planning a weekend away - he brought it up a few nights ago that he'd like to go away for Valentine's weekend. We both have Monday off so that will be nice. We're still deciding where to go, but I was encouraged by that. We have fun traveling and maybe, just maybe, this will be exactly what we need - I just don't want to get my hopes up. We've gone away before for Valentine's day weekend and NOT had sex.
I think it's time for a sit-down-face-to-face-could-be-awkward conversation. I need to phrase this exactly right.
I'm thinking of saying something like: H, I love you very much and am so glad for how far we've come. I would like to continue building on those good times. Our sex life concerns me. I want to be able to express to you, physically, how I feel for you. I also realize that you may not be ready for that and i don't want to push you into something you're not ready for.
What I really want to say is: If we don't fix this, I don't think I can stay in this marriage.
I know I'm not asking too much for my H and I to ML. I just think there is a fine line between asking and pushing. In my experience with my H, I've learned that: - the more I push him to do something, the more he won't - he mind-reads and then makes decisions based on what he thinks I mean or intend rather than what I say/feel - or he doesn't take into account what I want and does what he feels like doing - allowing him to take ownership of the situation (rather than me initiating a fix to the sitch) garners action - if I don't bring things up as a problem he will never acknowlege it and act on it
So, I'm trying to craft a message that is loving, caring, and positive but not pushy or critical. In the past, letting H fix the problem and guaranteeing my patience (and then following through with those) has truly helped us. I can't figure out how to do this with the sex thing. Help???
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
All I can think of is to dialogue about it. You probably had that question on the weekend. How did it go that time? Were there useful insights or any common ground? I don't know how you have been as patient as you have. I get mean in about 2 weeks.
We could dialogue about it - that didn't even come to mind - H hasn't been really receptive to dialoging lately. We actually did *not* have that question on our weekend. Which surprised me. When they taught us the conflict resolution technique in the post sessions there was a question about it that we could have used to try out the technique, but both of us steered clear of it - too tenuous at the time.
To be honest, I think what reads as patience is really conflict avoidance. I'd hate to take credit for being patient when really I'm just avoiding a difficult, awkward and potentially hurtful conversation. But it's getting to the point where I need to step up and address what is bothering me. I don't want to make the situation worse - and my quick temper can lend itself to ugliness...lol.
Thanks Sara!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
In my opinion, what you said you wanted to say would be fine. Everything but the part you WANT to say, that you can't stay in the marriage without ML. That may be true, but tell him the other things first, like how you want to show him your love for him. Wait and see how he responds. If after a period of time (weeks, months, whatever you can handle) nothing changes, THEN tell him you can't keep going the way things are. If you start with that, he may bristle and feel he is getting an ultimatum or "demand" from you--at least that is how my H responds. Just let him know what you want and how you feel, and see if he responds to that before you talk about it as a "make or break" issue. Just my thoughts, but I am really new to this....
I think the structure of dialoguing is better than conversation for such an emotion-laden subject. The question could be as simple as "How do I feel about our sexual relationship?" or you could make it more specific. We have not used the conflict resolution technique much, but as I remember it started with dialoguing and then went further. So you could do a dialogue and then if what you find is that you have a conflict on the subject, then you could move into the conflict resolution process. Or you could use the question suggested in the Post session. I think that there is no time like the present for taking on the difficult subjects. This clearly is not getting better by being left alone.
good luck hon)))))))))))) just remember to use lots of "I" statements and to remember to watch the tone of your voice, you could be saying the right thing using the wrong voice.
In the past, letting H fix the problem... ======================================= It's been 2yrs, he isn't fixing it, glad you decided to say something.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Edie, Instead of asking for sex, how about asking for something less threatening--discussing sex, taking a bath together, cuddling, kissing, massage? I think if you increase the zone of comfort, then the sex will naturally ensue, or the obstacles will be revealed.
I agree that it's too early for an ultimatum.
If your H declined sex over the weekend, he owes you an explanation as to why, and an alternative to your invitation.
Do you have any ideas as to why he's being avoidant around this issue?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
it's more than the physical aspect, it is about your H letting you into his vulnerable side, perhaps he still feels "unsafe" with you (even though it should be the other way around", BTDT,) perhaps he thinks you still hold grudges, haven't really forgiven him or thinks you'll get back at him (that's what my H thought, it could not be true with your H but just wanted to throw this idea out there).
There has to be emotional intimacy at some degree for physical intimacy, perhaps he still not ready to give of himself without reserve.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
