I talked to W this afternoon. She was not doing good as her female pre-school co-worker friend is angry at her. My brother talks with her friend's father about things (including W's problem) and apparently the father interpreted wrong and thought that his daughter gave herpes to W. Anyway, W's friend does not want W's problems affecting her life. W thinks she might even lose her job as her friend was the one to hire her.
W is such a lost person now. She does not talk to any of her friends about her problem. She cant see how she can come back to our M as too many people know. I tell her to first decide whether she wants to return to me and then worry about fixing broken bridges with others. She says that I am too controlling because I dont approve of her going out to night clubs. I have to disagree and say that is not controlling, but is instead standing up for what I see as wrong behavior for a married couple. I ask her if she could think of any other person that would feel it is ok for the other spouse to go out by themselves to nightclubs on a regular basis. I suggest that if she cant ever see it possible that our M will work for her that we should see a mediator to help get our D finished.
I can easily move on with my life without W as she is making it so easy for me to want to get a D from her. It is the thought that my kids will be growing up without their parents living and loving one another together that bothers me more. Today, when I picked up D5, I asked her how she liked staying at mommy's new place with OM last night. She said she did not like it and wished that mommy would move back with me. I wonder if W knows how her own kids feel about what she is doing to our family.
I believe W sees me as being so nice all the time and getting support from many different people (including her own friends) and it just seems to make her more depressed. She seems to be heading straight for rock bottom now and I doubt she can change course.
Tonight I had an excellent golf lesson and then followed it up with a good workout at the YMCA. I plan to take the kids to the YMCA tomorrow for the kids club while I workout and then we will all go swimming together. I dont know if W will go with us on Sat up to the mountain for sledding, but at least I offered.
As I was switching cars with W today, I asked her where she was with our situation. She said she needed to focus first on patching things up with her friend. That was the last straw for me as I think that getting her family stable should be the #1 priority. I asked her if it was ok for me to setup an appointment with a mediator so that we could get the D financials settled and the final paperwork done. She was quiet, and finally said yes. I believe she has been so hesitant because she knows she is going to lose all the security I gave her if we get a D. She will need to rely on OM or live life on her own.
She says she is so angry with my brother for talking about her and her friend to the friend's father, but my brother does not care what she thinks. He tells me that the similarities between my W and his ex-W are striking. His ex-W's life spiraled out of control over the last 17 years to the point where she is almost a vegetable. Whereas, my brother turned his life around and has been married for over a decade to a wonderful gal, they have built a successful business together, and have an S7 who they are so proud of.
So as I was putting the kids to bed tonight, I was asking how they liked their other rooms at OM/Mommy's place. They said that they had the 2 rooms in the basement and that mommy slept upstairs with OM. Yet another lie I found out from my kids. W had told me that she had never slept with OM and that she had her own bedroom downstairs with a big king sized bed. I don't care to know about W and OM and will need to stop myself in the future about asking too much about the kid's life with W/OM. All I really care about is how well my kids are adjusting to living in 2 different homes.
After the D, I will want to setup some semi-yearly appointments with a child counselor for S7 so that the counselor can discover any problems he may be having with the D or with his other living conditions. Right now, he is having quite a few nightmares where he wakes up crying. Those started happening at the time he first found out that W and I were separating.
I hope the best for my STBXW. I don't want to see her hit rock bottom. I want our kids to have both a good mother and father. I want to be friendly with her as our children grow, but that friendship will have a lot to do with how well she moves into her next stage of life. I know that I will persevere and prevail at whatever challenge is put in front of me. I know that I will eventually find a better person that will become my lover, companion, and wife for the rest of my life.
I thought it best to update my photobucket in my signature to just be the kids and myself. I am at peace with my decision that my W is going to be my ex-W.
You definitely can sleep well at night because we and you know that you gave it your best shot. You left no stone unturned.
You're are creating a very good karma...
Me 42 W 27 Married: 6 years Together: 7 years Daughter: 3 years Wife away 2/16/2007 - 12/27/2007 (School in a different country) EA/PA began on Jan 07 (found out 12/29/07) Papers served on 2/6/2008
Today I called W's teacher friend to try to apologize for the grief my W has caused to her life. After I said hello, I received quite an earful from her with profanity about how she wants my family out of her life. After she calmed down, she explained that my W has used her and was sickened by the infidelity and lies that W has done. She felt sympathy for me, but really does not want anything to do with my W or family ever again. She assured me that I am going to come out of this ok. I told her that I always respected her as a teacher (she was S7's pre-K teacher) and that I could not explain what happened with my W in the last year.
I suspect W's job is on the line as this is a senior teacher that has a lot of pull with the principle. They could say that they cant have a preschool where the employees have problems with one another and that the junior less experienced employee (W) should be terminated.
W called me when the kids and I were at dinner tonight. I told her that the kids and I had fun at the science museum today and then told her that I talked with her teacher friend and her teacher friend is very angry at her. W freaked out at me calling her and said she was not going to sleep tonight. She wanted to know what I said to her friend and I said that I hardly said anything as her friend layed it all out for me. I told W that it was pimarily her that the friend was so angry at and that I understood how her friend felt - backstabbed.
I am going to next suggest to W that she should not call or talk to her teacher friend right now. She will need to write a very very sincere letter of apology and not have anyone help her.
I guess my biggest worry now is that if W loses her job that it will affect me in the D negotiations. However, she is employable and lost her job after the D papers have been filed so I cant see how she can say she should get spousal support.
Lesson for life - dont live with secrets and lies - bad karma most likely will occur.
I still live my life by 11 and a half of the 12 boy scout laws...
Trustworthy Loyal Helpful Friendly Courteous Kind Obediant Cheerful Thrifty Brave Clean Reverent - I obey part of as I respect the beliefs of others, but am not religious myself.
Hi Kerry- I have certainly followed along with your recent happenings and don't know if I have posted on here b4 or not. I happened to look at the pics of your adorable kids. If they are as wonderful as they are good looking then I can not imagine being a more proud Dad than you would be.
Your W's current employment turmoil/instability struck a particular nerve with me. My W is in much the same position and I have been cautioned by a lawyer that I might wanna strongly consider not only throwing in the towel on my M, but doing so in lightning fashion before she might be terminated. The financial ramifications of her making similar $ to me one day and the next day bringing in 0 could surely mean a drastically lean payroll check for me in the future. That being said, I move with expediency on nothing especially initiating a D fm a peson that I love with every portion of my heart & soul.
I am truly happy that you have been able to reach the peaceful place that you are at now in your sitch. I hope and pray for the best for you, the adorable kids and your STBXW (which I will have to b honest, I will have to look up on abbrev thread).
I do have worries about her getting terminated before our mediator meeting in a week and a half. However, if she gets terminated, I will point out that she can always get another job and that she is currently living with a very wealthy man right now. My W could drag this out if she wants, but I dont see it doing her any good. I have told her that it is best for our family to get this D done fast so as to get some stability back into our lives.
Wow, could your kids BE any cuter? I just looked at their pics.
I am sorry things are so rough now. I hope you are at peace with your decision to stop trying/DBing, if that is your final decision. Your wife is probably so overwhelmed with finally having to do things for herself, and the possibility of losing her job, that she can't think straight. Not that it excuses anything she has done, I am just saying it hurts you to think that her relationship w/her friend is a bigger priority than you right now, but it may be b/c she knows if affects her job, too. And I know for my H, for better or worse he will handle a job crisis before a M crisis b/c those people won't be patient and wait for him like I do. Just my 2 cents. Anyway, thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay.
I chose not to go sleding as they were measuring the snowfall not in inches, but feet. Kind of hard for a 5 and 7 year old to walk in that stuff. We went to a science museum instead and had a great time.
On Saturday, I had a long phone call with W. I told her more about what I perceive as her biggest problem in her life - lies and secrets. I also suggested that she should see a psychiatrist to determine if she has a mental condition. She was just so quiet during our call. Towards the end, she denied ever having any lies. I pointed out the apparent lie of how she got genital herpes. She says she had told me before about the one night stand. I said "all you have ever said was that night was a mistake and that you continually say you got it from your best friend's lipstick that night. She had even called her brother (a doctor) to ask if it was possible to get genital herpes from lipstick so she consciously used her own brother to help justify her lie.
On Sunday night, she stopped by the house to print some pictures. As usual now, when I tried to talk to her, she was coldly quiet. She finally started asking me some leading questions. "What happens after 30 days expires from when she signed acceptance of the divorce petition". Or this one... "Can you raise the kids all by yourself" I told her most parents could raise children by them selves, but I would prefer that our kids get influenced by a mother and a father. I then asked her why she would ask me such a question - "Are you looking to disappear". No answer.
She then said that I was getting what I wanted - a divorce. I said that I never wanted a divorce to begin with and that I think she is trying to convince herself that none of it is her fault. She said that the last Monday when we had the passionate kiss really changed things for her. I asked her if she loved me and got no answer. Does she regret what she has done over the last year? She says she regrets some of it but is not regretful of other things (I suspect she does not regret meeting OM). She really feels like I was a great husband and father, plus she feels so bad for our kids to have to grow up under a broken family.
I told her that if she has changed her mind that everything could not go back by her just saying she wants back. She jumped all over this statement to once again convince herself that I wanted the D and would not take her back. I had to tell her that she would need to really convince me that she wanted to be a good wife and that she truly loved me. I doubt that she can do that.
As she was leaving, I told her what I thought she needed to do if the principle of the school sits her down to talk about her job termination. She needs to suck up and beg and plead. She needs to show sincere apology for causing a personal problem between the other employee. She needs to point out all the good she does for the school and that the parents really like her. She needs to fight for her job. She should not try to explain the problem between the other teacher and herself. I then told her that if she is fired, that hopefully with the money she gets from me in the D, she can invest and use it to start a preschool with our afterschool teacher. Once again, her hearing me "acting as is" just confirms to her that I am so committed to getting a D and she stormed out to her car.
So my feelings now are that she is trying to convince herself that she did not give up on our M. I have not heard anything convincing from her that makes me believe that she would be able to reconcile with me. The only reason I would want to save my marriage is for the children. I have no loving feelings for what my W has become. She is a quitter, a cheater and a person that hold secrets to herself. Not someone that I can see living the rest of my life with.
