piecing for real

[limbo]

Hi all,

Haven't posted in awhile...but thought it was time.

I seem to be having a problem with me, I seem to be withdrawing from my marriage now, I am just filled with thoughts of H PA, and pictures, why has it come back after all this time, why now do I seem to be pulling away?
I know this is causing distance with H and I.
H hasn't done anything really, but I guess it how we interact, we were doing great there for awhile, but now very little, we don't dialogue anymore, and our sex life is not great.
All weekend I just wanted to ask H if our marriage was over, but didn't.

[Heartbroken]

Hello Limbo,

Sorry to see you feeling down - but what happened with the Retro work you both were doing? We are not dialoging anymore either - but we TALK constantly about our feelings and where our head is at (many times per day). It seems that your the one pulling away this time and you need to figure yourself out - maybe you two could start writing again about what is REALLY eating at you...

I said last night that our interactions almost seem to GOOD to be true and that I am waiting to be blown out of the water once again (those are only my fears that I keep at bay almost daily - they have subsided as each week goes by)...

Hang in there you have come to far and you really need to include your H in your thoughts - you cannot assume he's in the same place as you...

Take care!

HB

[limbo]

Thanks HB,

I think H thinks all is well right now, and I know that I am the one pulling away, and I am not sure why...I don't know if its just all the hurt that I can't get pasted, or that I am just so tired.
I am pulled in so many direction, not just by H, and there is so little left for me.
I told h that awhile ago, that since my Dad died, 4 years ago, its just been one thing after the other, and I have not had time to heal myself, and its just taking its toll.
I am just pulling to myself more and more.

[saffie]

limbo,

I do that too. I continue to do it even things are ok with H. I don't know why I do but think it may be to do with all the hurt etc. Try talking about it with your H - you don't have to say why you are withdrawing; just that you can feel that you are and ask for a bit of space to work things out. I always feel better after discussing the fact that this is happening to me with my H.

[limbo]

Thanks Saffie

I actually just emailed my H and told him that I would like to sit down and talk tonight, he wanted to know why, so I said its because we just don't do it enough anymore, and I feel that by not doing it we are losing that connection.
So he said sure, so I will talk to him tonight.

[hopeforfuture]

Sorry to see you feeling down - but what happened with the Retro work you both were doing? We are not dialoging anymore either - but we TALK constantly about our feelings and where our head is at (many times per day).

Heartbroken and Limbo,
My W and I also went through Retro back in Jan and have also been struggling with the dialog exercises. Not that we don't enjoy them, but there never seems to be enough time. We do talk a lot though and things have been going pretty well. There was the monthly reunion about a week ago that was cancelled due to snow and we were looking forward to that.

I know we need to do a better job at keeping up with the dialogs. That seemed to be so therapeutic to help us get in touch with the feelings, but I also think it is important to talk in general about daily issues and feelings. Really it comes to good communication in general, right? Limbo, that was good that you requested some time to talk. It's all too easy to lose site of that connection.

[limbo]

Thanks Hope,

I think that this is a big issue for me, and I have to stop doing it, I wait for H to request to either dialogue or talk, because I feel he has to prove something to me, and I know that I have to stop with that.
By not talking, or connecting, it allows me to begin to talk myself into the worst again, my mind begins to come up with all sorts of things, and in doing this it brings me down, and I think that I am getting to that critical place that I wount be able to pull myself out with out medical help.
Life at times has become so incredibly overwhelming, and I have been struggling with this, its been hard to work on one things because there is so much else going on, I know that this is just life, but its becoming so incredibly hard to balance and juggle all of this, and now I feel like I am just dropping all the balls!

[hopeforfuture]

Limbo,
Did you get a chance to talk with your H last night? How did it go?

By not talking, or connecting, it allows me to begin to talk myself into the worst again, my mind begins to come up with all sorts of things, and in doing this it brings me down, and I think that I am getting to that critical place that I wount be able to pull myself out with out medical help.
Life at times has become so incredibly overwhelming, and I have been struggling with this, its been hard to work on one things because there is so much else going on, I know that this is just life, but its becoming so incredibly hard to balance and juggle all of this, and now I feel like I am just dropping all the balls!

I suspect that the lack of communication and increasing distance is what got you on these boards on the first place. I know that was the case in my situation. I know it is often hard to do, but you and your H really need to set aside some alone time. That connection is really important. My W and I have been doing a pretty good job at spending 15 or 20 minutes sitting and talking after dinner. That's about all we get before we get back into the normal routine of chores, kids homework and bedtime. Dialog... need to try and get to that tonight.

[limbo]

HFF thanks for checking in on me!

We did sit down and talk, and it was a hard go, I just let alot spill out, but h was really good and let me talk, didn't get angry or upset.
I said at the beginning, that we need to sit and do this more, because when we don't and it goes on for along time with no talk then my mind takes me to bad places, and it just brings me down.
I also said that I am still working through alot of thinngs, and I feel very alone in doing that, and I don't know what would be the best to get me through this.
I told him that alot of what I am trying to work through is to do with what happened with us, and that he know this is the big issue that has still to be discussed, you brought that up at a core meeting a few weeks ago.
I told him I don't know if talking about this will help, I do have questions still, but don't know if I want the answers or not, I am floundering on how to work through this.
I have gone to C a couple of time with different C and each time it didn't help, they both basically told me what I was feeling was normal, and that was it, but what I needed was someone who could give me coping skills, tools to work through it all.
And so now I find that I am just not coping at all, and I seem to be reverting back to how I was when this was all fresh!

Thanks for letting me ramble!!

[saffie]

Limbo,

I know excatly where you are coming from. What type of C were the ones that you saw? I go to a cognetive behavioural therapist - he is also a clinical psychologist - and he has helped me loads. Try seeing that type of therapist / C and see how you go. Mine has helped me alter the way I view things and approach my H etc - I can't speak highly enough about it. Having said that he is a good therapist as well and that makes as much difference I believe as the 'type' of therapy you have.

you have taken the biggest step by opening up to your H - well done.