If you love them, set them free...

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Kerry,

The thing with all that bar hopping (believe me, I have been through it) is that it gets old. W will burn-out on it sooner or later. She will start arguing with the other barflys (alcohol and her M sitch tends to incite that)and be less inclined to go to those places. You are probably seeing signs of that already.

Best,
--Chris

[smith18]

We had our meeting with the mediator. It went well and my W liked the mediator, but we each need to get a detailed budget so as to come up with a fair figure for spousal support. The mediator feels that our case will be no problem as we both seem to be so friendly to each other

Now that W plans to move into an apartment, our finances will be really stretched. Oh well, it is only money. I will make more.

W and I went to lunch afterwards and then came home and had a good R talk. When she left to go for major dental surgery, we both had a very passionate kiss at the door.

[mymonkeybug]

Question...and I mean no offense by this so don't take it that way Kerry...

but why in the world are you so worried about W's living arrangements...isn't she the one that left? She has made her bad and now has to lie in it. I am assuming she has the kids most of the time and that is why? Could you get the kids permanently for the time being anyway until W gets her head back on straight. I mean it just seems like you could easily get them given her lifestyle now and poor choices such as getting a STD.

I only ask because I need to bank the info. incase I come accross this at some point since my MLC H left to fulfill all that was unfulfilled and feels the partying, clubbing, and bar hopping is the only life he has ever truly wanted and our life was a farce, all 19 years of it.

[smith18]

Thanks for stopping by Heather - good question. I am indeed worried where W lives because the kids spend 50% of their time with her. The local apartments I reviewed have comments about shady tenants and bad managers. That is what you get with apartments I guess. I probably will give W back her guns for protection.

I am going to suggest to W that she move to an apartment and that we should hold off on the next mediator meeting as it will take time for her to figure out her living expenses. Also, I believe she wants to date me (and OM) while living at the apartment. There is no hurry to finish the D yet. Part of me wants to move on in life without her, but there are the voices of Michelle and LadyDi in my head reassuring me that no marriage (without violence) should be given up on. I want to have more time before throwing in the towel on my M. I can still see a life together with my W and cannot just give up on that now.

This morning, my W brought me Valentine chocolates and a balloon on a stick, along with some things from the kids. I gave her a card I made up this morning on the computer. We hugged at the door. W did not want to kiss in front of D5, but we still got a short kiss and I looked at D5 who had the cutest smile on her face.

You MLC H will come to a point where the partying, clubbing and bar hoping is going to wear down. How long this takes is the hard part for you, but I really believe he will change with time. You have way too much time in your M to give up. Just keep reading back to what LadyDi said as inspiration in Johns thread. Continue on with patience and do things for yourself and kids now. It is all so very tough, but you can do it. If not for yourself now, do it for your kids who are about the same age and gender as mine. They deserve to have both a mother and father living together with love guiding them along their path to adulthood.

[mymonkeybug]

It is all so very tough, but you can do it. If not for yourself now, do it for your kids who are about the same age and gender as mine. They deserve to have both a mother and father living together with love guiding them along their path to adulthood.

Kerry-

Thanks for the honest reply and the advice. So do you think with the above quote you SHOULD indeed practice what you preach...lol. Don't give up on your W just yet either.

[Lkyguy]

Dude you are doing great...I have the same feelings about my wife....if she wanted to come back(she doesnt)I would have a hard time trusting her again...but when we hug I feel the embers still glowing...its confusing.......getting yours out of OMs place is a first step.....praying for you.....

[smith18]

So do you think with the above quote you SHOULD indeed practice what you preach...lol. Don't give up on your W just yet either.

I am ready for either a D or to reconcile. It is up to my W. I would prefer to rebuild our M and I want to still take our time before the D becomes final. I know there is a path back to making our M better and I am going to be patient to see if W will choose that path.

[mymonkeybug]

I agree with you 100%. I am waiting also for the day we reconcile and rebuild our marriage and family together. Fortunately in my case H has made no attempts and has not even mentioned legal sep. or D. I was the only one talking like that trying to support him and then realized I was planting the seed in his head and stopped. I don't know how it play out but we all need to keep looking to God for help and answers and pray for him to help us be patient and strong.

[smith18]

I got home tonight after golf, working out and shopping for a special meal (steak, crab and aspargus) to make for myself - walked through the door and noticed there was a potted flower plant and and an envelope. After making my meal (microwave went belly up on me), I sat down to eat and read the valentine's day card. It was from W and this is what it said:

Dear Kerry...
Thank you for the card this morning. I'll keep it in my mind. I honest with you I've thought about our time together as a family. But I don't know... Somehow... There're something else in there. I'll figure it out. Thank you again for being here for me. I'll talk to you later. And, you can count on me.
Missed you...my everything.
Nui

So I ended up calling W and told her I was surprised to get a card and thanked her. I told her that I thought it best that we cancel our next mediator appointment on Mar 5 so that she can have more time to determine her budget, and also more importantly, figure out whether she wants to stay in our M. She said she would think about it.

Also, I discussed this idea with her friend this morning and her friend agreed that W just needs time on her own. Her friend told me that various people that have found out about our pending D have actually cried when they found out. Apparently, our M and family was quite the envy of others.

So my plan is to just continue as I have been - keeping myself and kids happy and busy. I dont intend to push W to make up her mind. I want her to figure her self out on her own time. I might suggest that after she gets her major dental surgery taken care of, that I would be supportive of her seeing a psychiatrist which she had suggested wanting to see recently.

[mymonkeybug]

That card sounds like a good positive step from her, a baby step. I sure hope she comes around and realizes what she is about to give up. Best of luck to you.