Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

Hi guys - thanks for coming by!

Well, I was kidding about the ultimateum. I wouldn't do that - there was a time when I would have - but not now, not post DB. But I still want to say it just because I'm feeling frustrated.

I think Cat hit the nail on the head. The sex in our marriage was never great (and by not great I mean twice a month) - we struggled from the words "I do." It was fine before then, btw (roughly twice a week - and we only saw each other on the weekends as we lived in different states). Commitment freaked my H out - in a big way and I think it still does.

The true break down in our sex life began when H started to get his needs met elsewhere. Once that started he felt that touching me would be cheating on OW. And I think that Cat is correct because I can't even get H to change his clothes in front of me, let alone hop into a bath (which even if things were good, he would never do). It is intimacy issues, and vulnerablity issues, and commitment issues, and guilt issues, and insecurity issues all rolled into one ugly nasty ball that probably can't be unraveled without serious MC, which H will not go to.

So the sex conversation won't really be a sex conversation, I don't think. And most likely, H won't even comment about what I have to say - he'll just listen and then internalize and think all I'm saying is that he's inadequate. I truly don't know how to approach this with him without making him feel like he is inadequate - and I guess, it's because he is inadequate in terms of pleasing me sexually - he hasn't done it 24 months.

So that being said, I don't want to push him to a level that he isn't comfortable going, i.e. the emotional intimacy needed for physcial intimacy, yet at the same time I am struggling with this issues and would like it resolved.

I need to come at this from a completely different angle and I'm not sure what that is, or how to do it, or even if I should ...

I'm rambling...blah.

[cat03]

I need to come at this from a completely different angle and I'm not sure what that is, or how to do it, or even if I should ...
==========================
that was step 1 edi, keep cranking those wheels...

Before the summer bomb my H and I did ML, but there was no emotional intimacy, the kind I see when a H caresses his W's face, none of that.
I remember a few discussions i'd have with H, --who previous to his WAS state would want to ML all the time-- then thought that more than 2x a week was too much. I, of course, ended up crying and upset and he'd say things like "jeez, way to destroy my masculinity, just cut my ****s off already". I thought it was just physical but now I realize he really didnt' "let me in", thus, the ML suffered.

If not MC, would he agreed to IC? no questions asked afterwards about what was said during T?

[ediemarie]

No C at all for him - he won't go. He doesn't think he has a problem. It was a miracle that he went to Retrouvaille. And i guess that's the crux of it all - if he doesn't think our M is broken than why would he try to fix anything. Meanwhile, I think our M is broken and it is because I would like an intimate R with my H - perhaps he just isn't able to have one. That is something that I have been thinking about lately. Perhaps he just can't. Maybe more accurately, he doesn't *want* to be intimate. Can it be that he just isn't secure enough with himself? Is this psycho-bable? Am I making excuses. Shouldn't he be ABLE to do this? WANT to do this? He had no problem with OW - except for the guilt (he said).

[ediemarie]

but there was no emotional intimacy, the kind I see when a H caresses his W's face, none of that.

yeah, I can't imagine that happening in our R right now. I just can't. It really is like there is no passion between us. None. Kissing him is like kissing any other member of my family. I enjoy hugging him and cuddling with him, but there's no fire - no butterflies. Sad, really. I wonder if they'll come back.

[ediemarie]

Nothing new to report, really. Another comment yesterday from H about my "underthings" (lol). Over the weekend I bought a ton of new underwear, nightgowns, etc. And have been making it a habit to wear them. My goal is to get all new matching bras and underwear - I've always wanted to do that - and never have. I'm considering it galing and it appears to be working. I don't think my H has ever commented on my undies in all of our 4.5 years of marriage - perhaps hanes cotton bikinis weren't doing it for him...

I do know that this is a bandaid on a gushing wound - or perhaps a bandaid on the leg when the arm is bleeding. I'm not really fixing the issue, but I am concentrating on what makes me happy and matching bras and panties does it - ladies, tell me you understand?? Please. And if giving my H a show in the process sparks some interest so be it.

In the meantime, I'm still thinking about the best way to approach this. I think I may need to read DB again with this in mind. I mentioned that awhile ago and never did it - I think this is the week. I want to be in the right frame of mind whether I suggest dialoguing retro style or just outright conversation...bleh

[cat03]

but I am concentrating on what makes me happy and matching bras and panties does it - ladies, tell me you understand

you mean like the kick i got yesterday at the thought of using a new color of nail polish? lol, I do understand! It actually gave me a good feeling just thinking about it. I tried this very very dark brown, H thought it was black (he actually noticed it) and I thought it was just neat i tried something new.

Rock on sis, get yourself something that makes you feel good

[ediemarie]

Yes Cat! That is it EXACTLY! Playing dress up never gets old.
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I've mentioned before on this site that I'm a TV junkie - I like that about me. I like that I know most of the shows that are going on and that I can picture an actor/actress when they're named. Perhaps deep down I wish I were one. Anyway, in all my TV watching I swear that I'm healing. I try to make it as interactive as possible and take away some tid-bits of life affirming knowledge while I watch.

Yesterday's lesson in my life came from Oprah. I'm not a frequent watcher of her show - some of it really is too heavy for me. I like to veg, a lot. Anyway, her show yesterday was about The Secret. I haven't figured it all out - and I'm sure some of you that saw the show know way more about then I ever will. Today I went onto the website to learn more about it and there was a section on transforming relationships. This is the advice offered and I thought that maybe some of you would benefit from reading it. I have. Enjoy.


1. Fall in love with YOU!
2. Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you. Keep adding to it every day.
3. Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.
4. Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.
5. Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.
6. Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.
7. Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.
8. Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.
9. Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.
10. Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.
11. Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.
12. Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.
13. Love and respect yourself completely.
14. Know that you are perfect right now.

Have a great day everyone!

[Concerned_Listener]

EM,
I know I need to keep working on #9 and #12 in regards to my W.

Thans for sharing these. It's interesting, because my W has had a recent interest in this, and has been watching a movie and listening to a CD.

CL

[ediemarie]

Hi CL -
yes, those 2 stuck out to me too. I'm going to have to read them and really think on them for awhile before I get there. I agree with it. I think it's right to free ourselves from that responsiblity (#9) and to let go of our expectations of others (#12).

That's interesting about your wife listening/reading/watching about this too. That could be very helpful for your sitch. An interesting in-road to conversation.


Thanks for coming by!

[cat03]

thanks for posting those, we learn so much here, so much we tend to forget some things :P So, we should always remind each other of the good stuff we've learn to be on top of our game