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thanks Cat! I remember when I was a kid and my mom would try to get me to clean up my room and she would say - just do it for 5 minutes. Set your alarm clock to ring in 5 minutes, but you HAVE to work for a solid 5 minutes. When the alarm clock rings you can decide if you want to do another 5 or stop. Usually after 5 minutes I'd hit the snooze button and keep on cleaning as I'd be 1/2 way there. My room would be done in 10-15 minutes. I should try that trick again. She also used to say, start on the door and work your way in. Take care of everything in your path. YOur advice about beginning in a corner reminded me of that.

90% attitude. 10% action. Looking forward to making some changes.


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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Hi CL - I just now saw your post...

Quote:
Edie,
Your H sounds fairly defensive. I don't like his response to your request to have your car back. I'm concerned about his failure to accept that he has something to work on in marital therapy.

I'm wondering in general about how respectful he is to you.


thanks for coming by.

In response to the car: H's car died over the summer. We made a decision together that it would be better for us financially if we only had 1 car. We had planned on doing that for a few months - probably to Christmas time. This was something I suggested and H agreed to. He said he never suggested it because he didn't think I would go for it. I used to commute by train to my old job and loved it. But a lot of us did. I was OK walking during Sept, Oct, Nov and even December. But by then it was getting cold and dark early. I started to hate it. I made it through most of December without a problem. Then we had a week and a half off at the end of the month. Walking became an issue when I came back to work after the holidays. I was just plain sick of it. In the meantime, the car guy had/has been giving H the run around. Telling him he can get the parts, he will just fix what needs to be fixed, etc. H also isn't a very pushy guy at all and spent plenty of time not calling him when he should have followed up with him in a timely manner. So, I ended up telling H in January that I was sick of walking. I wanted my car back. He said OK and rented a car. He would rent a car on Monday, return it on Friday. This has been going on for about 4 weeks. He never once gave me an argument about it, until Friday night. Friday night was an issue, not because he didn't want to give my car up, but because I was *furious* about him assuming I would be ok with walking. In speaking with him further about this on Sunday, he said that he didn't mean to assume anything and was more just trying to bring up the topic with me. H was frustrated because I didn't show any enthusiasm AT ALL when he said his car would be ready on Monday, because I was already irritated with thinking about how the heck we were going to pay for it. Saturday, Sunday and Today he has asked me if I would rather he rent a car. It's not so much about me walking home as much as it is about the perceived (me perceiving) H assuming I'll just go with the flow and do what he wants.

In regard to the material problems - H is aware that we have issues. He knows he doesn't want our M to be what it was. He is fully aware that he has stuff to work on and change. (this is what is said in cooler moments, not heat of the moment arguments) He has seen counselors in the past - for our sitch and also prior to us even being married. It's not that he is against counseling as whole, he just isn't ready to go there yet. And that really is ok with me for now. He said that if I really wanted to go he would go along, but doesn't want to deal with this with a MC right now. Is this unnerving to me? Yes, absolutely. I'm working with what I can right now.

Will post more later - i just had some students enter my room...


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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In continuation to above:
Yes, it unnerves me that H is unwilling to attend counseling. I feel like my hands are tied in that area. I could go myself and I have. Every counselor I have ever seen has just suggested that I leave my H. If I'm not getting what I want from him I should walk away. I don't agree. My H is my family and I don't believe you walk away from family. I believe that it is possible to come to terms with what each other wants, and to be able to deliver it. I've seen it happen in my own R.

I don't rely on my H for my happiness. There was a time when I did and I have found that to be misguided and down right ridiculous. I don't want H to be responsible for my happiness. I can do it myself. I like that about me. My independence. And I lost that when I got married. I've recently found it again and it is refreshing. I'm more me.

I know that H comes across as being disrespectful. I think it happens most in heated arguments. I have a tendency to throw barbs his way - I do. I bring up awful things from the past, his A isn't even off limits. When I get upset I just drudge it all back up again with the intent to hurt him. Imagine that. The INTENT to hurt him. Healthy? Nope. Am I getting better, yup. So any disrespect sent my way in the heat of an argument is probably deserved because my comments warrant ugliness. My hot italian blood boils and he gets the brunt of the anger. I find that when I am calm about things, and rational, and able to speak without getting upset we make progress. Now, why would H want to attend counseling with someone like that? Why would he want to ML to someone like that? Why would he want to be with someone like that? I have my own demons and my own issues with showing him respect. I guess you get what you give...


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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Edie,
OK, you're H sounds better this time around. You have more to work with than I originally thought.

It sounds like the ground is fertile for you two to make great improvements in your M. The M is getting ready to turn the corner.

CL

Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 02/11/08 09:03 PM.

CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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I guess I was a little "fired up" while posting in round 1. Sounds like I have more work to do. I blew it the other day...big time. I HAVE to get my anger/emotions in check. He doesn't deserve to be berated just because he cheated on me. That isn't fair. We can't build a new R if I keep bringing that up. I have to deal with it in a healthy manner.

thanks for posting!!!


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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EM,

Come on, now. If you hadn't been to Retrouvaille I would try to explain that bringing up the past and saying hurtful things in an argument is destructive. But you know all that, and you know the rules. IF you do the dialoguing it will help you. If you fight with weapons you will damage each other.

Your choice.

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Agreed. Lesson learned. Again.


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
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WEll - I still haven't done anything about the sex talk. I still haven't read DR over again with new goals in mind. BUT, next week I'm on vacation and H is working so that is one of the things I will accomplish. I'll be sure to post here.

Yesterday was nice. H and I cooked together and ate by candle-light. It was peaceful. I've been preoocupied lately, partly the sex thing, partly the condition of my house, schoolwork, so I was pretty light on the conversation. I felt bad for H, but I just couldn't force myself to be present. I guess I was feeling a little disappointed because our R is not where it should be. And I do take responsiblity as I know there are things I could be doing and I'm not - read paragraph 1, for starters.

H and I leave tomorrow for a weekend away. We are both really excited. We haven't been away together in a long time - I think since the summer of '06. During that summer, 1 month post A bomb, H and I went to Vermont. We slept in separate beds and had an awful undercurrent running through the trip.

On Thursday, I made reservations for us at an inn we both wanted to stay at. Unfortunately they only had Sunday night available. (this is such a 180 for me - I used to just let H make all of the arrangments - I was always afraid that he wouldn't like what I would choose, so I'd leave it up to him. Now, I have much more confidence to say, This is what I want, this is what I like. And H likes that. I used to be like that prior to getting married...hmmm...) Anyway, I booked the one night and then H today, booked us Saturday night at a different inn. He called me at work to tell me that he did so. There were two rooms available he said. I could have booked us a room with 2 double beds, or pay a little extra and get a room with a queen. I said, what did you choose? (thinking in the back of my mind, we stayed in 2 double beds in Vermont) And he said, I got us the rooom with a queen. And I said, Nice work. He said, yeah, you can't stay in a room with two double beds on a romantic weekend - it's not like we're going to Vermont. \:\)
I thought it was cute that he acknowledged the bad time is in the past. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about that bed - if ya know what I mean ;\)

So - he picked up his car today. His buddy drove him to the station to get it - and then they are hitting a local brewery for lunch. In the past I would have been jealous of that. I would have felt left out if he were going out with his friends. But, today, I have a life. I'm heading out with some friends after work and am so looking forward to the time with H this weekend.

I hope everyone is making plans to enjoy their weekends. Find something to do!
Em


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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Hi Edie,

I'm very excited for you about your weekend plans. Sometimes being removed from our usual environment allows us to free ourselves a little. I hope that you and your H have an amazing, relaxing time, just enjoying each other's company. Oh I am so envious of you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself or your H, but it is encouraging to hear that he booked the queen room!

Have fun!!
FA


What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

FA:43, H:42
D:7
M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs
EA:?, PA:1/06
S:3/07
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Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
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yey!!! hope you have an awesome time, bed or no bed \:\)


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
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