However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die"
This is where I think so many people, in both sexes, go wrong. They think that passion should just "happen" without work. The idea passion needs to be cared for and nurtured in a relationship just doesn't seem "romantic" to some people. But to me action and expression indicate some amount of work and wouldn't my relationship with my husband be worthy of this work?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I have seen these types of love decribed before, just not with the triangle concept trown in. My guess is that most HD people tend to want consumate love. But my guess is that most LD people are NOT striving for the best, manly because it probably seems like an unattianable goal for many of them. Being LD means essentially not really seeking passion. So what kinds of love are left? Take the passions column out of the table, and here is what is left:
Non-Love Friendship Empty Love Companions
I consider ALL of these to be failed relationships. So how does a LD person actually achieve the middle colunm, Passion?
This is where I think so many people, in both sexes, go wrong. They think that passion should just "happen" without work. The idea passion needs to be cared for and nurtured in a relationship just doesn't seem "romantic" to some people. But to me action and expression indicate some amount of work and wouldn't my relationship with my husband be worthy of this work?
Good point. I think the problem some romantics have on their cynical days is that the "work" necessary doesn't seem to be in alignment with the values one would associate with pilgrim souls and velveteen rabbits or other ideals or sentimental notions. Therefore, they get bogged down in doing the "work" that doesn't "work" because the "work" that "works" is "wrong" and the "work" that they wished "worked" but doesn't is the "right" "work".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think the problem some romantics have on their cynical days is that the "work" necessary doesn't seem to be in alignment with the values one would associate with pilgrim souls and velveteen rabbits or other ideals or sentimental notions.
I'm not sure I am following you. My experience with this lack of wanting to "work" is with people that think that long term romance and love just "happens." The "work" I am thinking of specifically includes LOOKING for the best parts of your spouse, telling them often what you love about them, telling OTHERS what you love about your spouse, sharing your wants and desires (in love and in life!) with your spouse, keeping yourself full of passion toward your own life, etc.
To me, ironically?, these things seem very romantic in addition to being "work." I'm not sure how (or how not) my examples of work would fit in with the values of pilgrim souls, velveteen rabbits or other ideals/sentimental notions. Were we thinking of different "work"?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
1) My pasion for my wife was physical. It was sex, it was cuddling, it was flirting, it was touching, it was playfulness, it was kissing. Passion to me is almost always a physical act. Anything else that I did I would consider an act of love, which NOT the same as passion. 2) What am I passionate about in life? That is so tough to figure out. I would DIE for my Faith, for my Wife, for my family, but I am not sure that is passionate. I have interests in life, like job, hobbies, my home, politics, etc.., but again, that is not real passion. What beats the feelings of really passionate relationship, I can't think of anything. What would fulfill my life more then a relationship, nothing. 3) I have friends that particiapte in my "interests". 4) I feed my interests. But to feed my passions? Can't morally be done. I want to feel the desire of a woman, and I have ONLY one possble source for that. How does one replicate the feeling of being desired outside that relationship? What in life can make a man THAT happy?
Having actually experienced passion from a man for the first time in my life, I think I get what you are saying. I cannot, now, imagine being in an R and not having that.
But... there were so many things outside of the actual act of making passionate love that fueled it. My xH was certainly HD, but the resentment and anger he held toward me (justified or not), and mine toward him (justified for not) KILLED it.
I think that is why I've always said that lack of sex is never really the issue... it is just symptomatic of greater underlying problems.
You (the proverbial 'you') cannot treat people poorly and expect to be treated by others in any other way... nor can you accept poor treatment and expect to be treated any other way... for in the act of accepting poor treatment, you are actually confirming that the poor behavior is acceptable.
So I hear you saying that 'passionate' love making is your greatest desire... but nothing about your behavior, at least in the way you write, demonstrates any kind of truth to that statement. The attitude that is reflected in your writing is passionately pissed and resentful. And it seems to me, based on what you say here, that is exactly what you get back.
I really don't know how you could possibly expect to get anything other than that...
Thanks Cemar. I was just curious. To me it sounds like you are not a passionate person. You desire passion in your marriage but you do not have passion elsewhere in your life.
Anyway, as far as #3, I meant I wondered whether your friends and acquaintances would KNOW about your passion and not so much whether they shared your passion. To me having your passion (including passion about your spouse) be visible is important.
I'm going to answer the same questions I asked of you. I wonder if you can tell a difference in how we answered the same questions.
1) In what ways did/do you express the passion you felt/feel for your spouse - pre-marriage, immediately post marriage and today?
Pre-marriage - talking to my friends about how amazing Raven is, telling Raven why I love him so much, touching him, making time for him, talking to him whenever I have a spare minute, ML, etc.
Post marriage/Now - same things:) as pre-marriage plus I compliment him and kiss and hug him in front of my step-kids (I wish there was a better word!) now. I want them to see how I feel about their father and to see that getting married should only INCREASE the passion we have.
2) What else are you passionate about in life?
The environment, farming, running, politics, Ohio State University sports, cooking, wine, gardening, books, constantly looking to be a better me, family, etc.
3) Would friends and acquaintances know about your passion in life?
Yes, I talk passionately about the things I believe in and somewhat wear my heart on my sleeve regarding my opinions. I get excited when I talk about things I am passionate.
4) Do you "feed" your passion regularly? How???
I try to but I can get run-down and busy at times too. Part of the way I feed my passion is to TALK about what I am passionate about - whether it's Raven, OSU football, books I am reading, etc. I try to take time for my passions but some times they do go on hiatus. Running is one example. I LOVE running and always have. However I have also had months and years where I don't run because I don't have the time. For me, I don't see it as losing the passion. I just put it on the backburner for awhile. I still do things like looking up about runners, reading Runner's World, watching running on TV, etc.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
