Here are a few things I did to DB my H while all the craziness was going on:
·I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.
·I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was. I had to interrupt any thoughts I had about my H and replace them with good thoughts about myself. For instance, when I would start to think about what he might be doing with OW, I quickly replaced that thought with a self-appreciation phrase such as: “I’m smart” (I had a new one for each day for 30 days). Before I knew it I was thinking about him less and less.
·I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.
·I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly. “I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.”
I would say in a soft pleasant voice: “I would appreciate it if you would please talk to me, without yelling. Okay, you’re shouting, I really would like to hear what you have to say but it is hard for me to listen when you are shouting, I’m going to leave the room now. Bye.”
“why quickly and succinctly...?”
Quickly, because the MLCer’s listening capacity is about 10 sec. And succinctly, because if it what you say is too wordy(That was a tough one for me), they have no patience for any explanation and will tune you out.
·I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. (If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.)
·I worked on my self-esteem.
·I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.
·I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.
·I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.
·I tried different 180’s.
· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.
·I became mysterious.
· I stopped initiating any conversation.
· I went to my room as soon as he came home.
· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.
· I never made plans that included him.
· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.
· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.
·I avoided OR talks.
· I stopped confronting him.
· I left the room first and ended conversations first.
·I was always friendly but distracted.
·I stopped defending myself.
·I listened to him ad-nauseum. Most of the things I did to DB (the above list) were 180’s for me. I am a communicator, so “not talking” was a big 180. Before MLC, I used to jump to volunteer to do things for my H. Once MLC hit I did not volunteer to do anything. Having a 4th of July party was a total 180 for me.
· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.
·I took antidepressants
·Went to counseling by myself.
·Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)
·I took stock of what about myself could be improved and did so.
·I prayed
·I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.
·I gave the whole situation over to God.
Incorporating all these changes is a process and takes time.
