Out of the Blue?

[kturnernc]

Well I am new here and hope I am doing this right. Anyway, here goes... starting with the basics.

My wife and I decided to separate near the end of January 2008. She basically told me the lovely "I don't love you anymore" line. June 2008 would have been 14 years of marriage. We have 2 kids. Nolan(8.5) with Spina Bifida and Owen (2.5). We had a daughter that died in 1998 at 4 months old in the ICU. I cannot even tell anyone how many miscarriages or whetever else we went though. Needless to say our life was far from easy.

There was some source of stress as I just finished my MBA last October. That was a huge source of stress for the family during the classes, but after graduation things went great. We were just like we were before all the kids, stress, jobs anything. We were acting like we were in love again. We would have tons more sex than we had in years, kiss in the hall, joke, play, etc. Things were going great. Or so I thought...

Prior to this, she started a new job, then after 2 weeks of it, she seemed stressed. I asked her what was wrong and got hit with this separation thing. "I think that we should separate". I agreed to move out because if she left, she was going to take the kids. So, to keep them in the house, I left. She had mentioned the separation thing in the past but when i told her that just being together just for the kids is not ok, that we had to work on us, and that I would leave till then, she would freak out and beg me not to leave. Then the latest thing.

Then things started moving quickly, day after she moved half the money into another account, she got the locks changed the first week, and then the next she got a new cell and told me she was going to talk to a lawyer. I don't know if she ever talked to a lawyer, because it is never talked about.

Well, we are still being very civil to each other. But conversation is strained with both of us trying to be polite. There has been no yelling and we agreed quick about the kids visitation.

Obviously this has left me totally confused. The months leading up to this was great. I had no signs that things were bad. I thought things were going well. Classic Walk-Away Wife, from what I have read.

Anyway, that is my story so far. I did not want to type too much out right now. But it is hard.

Thanks for listening.

-K

Welcome to the club - Your sitch sounds very similar to many that we've seen on here.

I usually post this list of 'todos' for people who join us. If you've not read Divorce Remedy, now is a good time, but this will get you started.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

[kturnernc]

I have read the books and have been expanding into other similar book. I also have been rereading portions of the books.

I am trying to stick to the rules. I have backed off a good bit. The first week was bad due to the suddenness of it all. I am reviewing the rules over and over because I have reason to believe that she is about to file papers with her lawyer.

Again, no communication, yet action. Makes me sad over the whole thing.

[sgctxok]

My goodness. Could you have any more heartache?

I am so sorry for all you have gone through and are going through.

You are beginning over well. And you've gotten good advice. Hang in there...we're here for you.

[kturnernc]

I agree that I have taken the 'correct' steps so far. Whatever those may be. But it is still hard. It is hard when the person you think and know is your true love, hurts you so or does not return the sentiment.

I do get comfort knowing that others have been through this same scenario and survived. Gives me hope.

Reading stores and responses help as well.

[Just_Me]

kcturner,

I wonder about this new job of hers and the suddenness of all of this. Smacks of a new love interest at the least, not that it changes much, except maybe it will work out better for you. It just seems too much coincidence to think that she starts a new job and then blamo, bomb drops; it's either an A or she just liked the independent her. Feels weird though. Is there someone else? I'm not saying focus on that, but if there is at least an interest, she may redirect to the marriage if it ends.

Regardless of her reasons for leaving, you need to give her a reason to return to the marriage. You should probably get cracking on figuring out what you could have done diffently and what could bear improving about yourself. No doubt some of your issues stem from the troubling times you had (my condolences on the loss of your child), but if you have other issues, I'd suggest using this time to work on them. Try to keep things friendly with your wife, if she's amenable to that, without undo pressure (see above list). You'll find more details on other threads so I won't be repetitious. Sorry you find yourself here, and good luck with your wife.

[kturnernc]

Thanks for the words of help. I have thought about an A, but I some how don't think so with her. She has never been that type of person. But I am not saying that it is impossible, just unlikely. I think you hit it on the head about her independance. She stays home with our 2 boys and home schools the older one, so she does not really have the additional time. Around Christmas she was asking me if I thought other people find her attractive. As I had always found her attractive, I told her yes. But it did make me wonder why she was asking. She had always been insecure for years. So maybe she was just finally trying to overcome that. Who knows?

It is very odd to me which is why it is hard for me to get my mind wrapped around it all. She did a lot of stuff really quickly. As an example, I think i mentioned that the day after the split, she split the bank accounts up and opened her own with half our money.

Anyway, I am currently seeing a therapist (she always said that she thought i was depressed). I never saw it, but I know there are issues that can be worked on. I am starting to work out and tone what i have. I am also reading tons of books about divorce, repair of a relationship, intimacy, etc. Anything that I think will help. I have also picked up some art stuff to start drawing again. I had stopped years ago and have always missed it.

Anyway, being a fix-it type person, it is very hard for me to just sit back and let it take its course. I know not to push her, so I am pushing myself into a better life.

[kturnernc]

Quick update...

Had a discussion with WAW last night. She finally decided to share a bit of her feelings with me about things. I had originally told her that I wanted to discuss some things with her about bills, kids, our attitude, etc. I was and did not talk about the marriage or getting back together at all.

The conversation started off normal. We discussed some stuff with the kids and how the visitations were going. Right now I have them every Wednesday and Thursday nights due to her working night shift. And I also have them every other Friday and Saturday. It was at this point she let the first little nugget slip. She was having a hard time dealing with the kids not being there on the weekends. Well, I told her that it was something she was going to have to get used to because this was the situation she wanted. She said that it was hard and I agreed with her on that.

Then we moved to talking about how we were communicating. I told her that I felt hostility or animosity towards me and that we needed to work on that because the kids saw it too. She then dropped the second thing, she feels physically sick when she sees me. It is because she feels bad for how this went down and did not want to hurt me and does not know how to talk to me.

Now, I don’t know if all the discussion was positive but I came away with more hope than I had since the beginning. I am still going to move forward on myself and the kids. I am still not going to mention getting back together or anything. But am I wrong to feel some hope? Should I still be extremely cautious?

Wow, sorry this was so long. I did not intend it to be.

[Just_Me]

There's no harm in having hope. Just don't let hoping start making you get expectations that things will be different. Know what I mean? Be pleasantly surprised if something changes with her.

Your doing fine. Just keep doing what you are doing. Be patient, things can change, but only on her timeline. Keep the lines of communication open. Be openly friendly when you see her. As she gets more comfortable with being around you, she may not feel so sick. If she sees you crushed, she'll be less likely to want to see you. As she said, she feels bad for how it went down and doesn't want to see you hurt. So, don't let her see that she hurt you.

[kturnernc]

Well JM, you are right. I always live by the "plan for the worst, hope for the best" adage. I will be very happily surprised if things do turn around. And could embrace her once certain changes have been made, but I am moving my life forward.

Brave words I know... but I feel that I can do better. Not better as in another woman or better than her (which I could if I tried) but better than I was before. It is interesting to see or to think about what CAN happen. But it is the stuff that does happen that really makes you think. Her showing emotions the other night really threw me. She had not done that yet. Tonight when I picked up my boys, she actually got upset during the exchange. Not at me, just upset. I know things are not right with her as the house is trashed. Her sis has moved into the empty bedroom. So that puts an interesting spin on things.

Anyway, I am going to try to keep it on the straight and narrow.