I'm almost free!

[princess_nic]

Cat,

My H left in aug 05, but it was going on long before that.

Life can only get better, lol!

N

[cat03]

So why am I having such a hard time with this, when I know it's for the best? I am so much happier w/o stbx.

It must somethign in the air, just today I was looking at my kids and realize Ss can stop loving each other, but kids love you forever. That if I was given a choice between my kids and a healthy good H what would I choose? then I realize it was nonsense, there will never be such choice to be made, and from that good M while it lasted I got 2 beutiful little people who would love me til the end even i were a horrible mother.

The only unconditional love there is, IMHO, is from God to us, we are rotten to the core yet we are loved because we are his children. I don't think you can apply that kind of boundless love to an M, SPECIALLY if the other S has abused and not kept his part of the bargain in the M. We W were told to submit to our Hs as long as they loved us as Christ love his church (he loved her so that gave his live for his church), can we say the same thing about our H/Ws now? NO! so I don't think unconditional love applies here.

Of course you feel bad hon, again, I thought the same thing, how wonderful it'd be to once again have my H in the morn with me, to have xmas and stuff with him, wonder if I could be as happy without a spouse. No, it won't be the same but I can still be happy because only *I* am in charge of my happiness, the Lord will supply the rest, if I never marry, then so be it, this world is only for a little while anyways, my home is up there and one day I will be utterly 100% happy forever.

[bright_new_day]

he suggested that I really think about what would happen if H did a turn-around RIGHT NOW - stopped drinking, lost his narcissitic tendencies, etc. - and wanted to get back together. What if we did? How could I forget that last several years? Well, the last 10 really, but 6 esp bad ones.
So why am I having such a hard time with this, when I know it's for the best? I am so much happier w/o stbx. Any advice?

No advice, just sympathy. I know how you feel. I would not want my X back either (it would be a bit awkward now since he re-married 14 days after the divorce anyway!!! LOL) but I am still angry. I thnk my anger stems from wanting an apology for what he did, but all I get are denials. I am sure he would still stand in front of me and try to deny he ever had an affair and still claim that all that time his new wife was "just a friend." I want an admission and an apology that I will NEVER get. I am also angry that he walked away and feels no responsibility for the house he left me to maintain and get ready for sale. He was not great about maintenance (the door from our kitchen to the side porch was borded shut on the inside for 3 years after he broke it getting in when he locked himself out one day). So I am left trying to fix things he should and all I get from him is grief over the house not being on the market yet. He walked out the door and never looked back, playing new family with OW from day one and denying it was a relationship. I took the high road and didn't pursue the adultery divorce because it would have been bad for the kids, but I am constantly accused of being difficult, greedy, bitchy, whatever else.
Okay, that's enough venting. I am obviously still bitter, as much as I wish I were not. And I know I am better off now. So if you find the answer, let me know!

[Lissie]

I am glad that things are getting nipped in the bud babes.

You have been thru alot of crappola, with "Mr, i like to look at myself in the mirror".

So, I know that the end of all this, will help you to move on even more.

As for forgiving him, you do that on your own time, I think. That is something that is between you and God.

You have been very hurt, and you have every right to be angry, just don't let it consume you. And I know it doesn't.

I think back at all that Javier has done, and I was just so tired of hating him. It's not me, and it just doesn't feel right to me.

YOur heart is big, Nic, and loving. Take the pressure off of yourself. You will slowly but surely, do what is right for you. I have no doubt.

smooches, babes.

[ACJ]

and I was just so tired of hating him

This stood out to me. Whilst I have been very angry at my H and like most crave an explanation and an apology, I can honestly say I have never hated him.

[almosthopeful]

(((nic))),

So why am I having such a hard time with this, when I know it's for the best? I am so much happier w/o stbx. Any advice?

well hi sweetie pie. I'm just chiming in with sympathy, no advice. I do understand and I do feel the same way still. Especially about wanting to forgive but not being ready, able or willing to. Bright new day's comment really strikes home with me: that I want an apology, and I'm not going to get one. This tells me that for me anyway it is still more important to be right than to be peaceful. But I have high hopes for improvement.

What kind of person would you be if you didn't have spells of regret and sadness from time to time? These weren't casual Rs that we had, they were long-term marriages. And good, bad or indifferent, we, the LBS believed ourselves to have been committed to them. It make take some of us awhile yet to fully grieve.

But I'm hopeful for you and all of us.

Hang in there. March is the month of the blues for many of us it seems.

Big hugs,
AH

[bright_new_day]

Bright new day's comment really strikes home with me: that I want an apology, and I'm not going to get one. This tells me that for me anyway it is still more important to be right than to be peaceful. But I have high hopes for improvement.

Excellent way of putting it AH. I guess we are all a little stuck because we know a wrong was done and we want an apology....but it just ain't happening!!! So we need to let go and find peace. I am learning. I still have frustration and anger when dealing wiht the X becaue he is so difficult and I am not the submissive wife he knew. But for the most part I am good with everything else. I feel sorry for him. And I feel sorry for his new wife. I don't feel sorry for me!

[princess_nic]

Cat, Suzy, Lissie, AH, and Alison -

Thanks for stopping by, and for the sympathy.

I do not hate him - most of the time! I am still angry that he gets off essentially scot free, and I am the one left to take care of the kids - emotionally and physically - borrow from my parents to keep my house, and deal with the stress of being a single mum. Even so, I am actually LESS stressed now than I was when he lived w/ us. The tension b/t us was unbearable.

I am feeling blue at least partly b/c I am lonely. I know that it's better to wait till the papers are signed before getting seriously involved with anyone else b/c the negotiations just take up so much mental space. I must say, though, that I am certainly looking forward to telling Work Guy that I'm FINALLY D'd!!! If that doesn't get him to ask me out, his loss!

Seriously, though, I really am tired of being on my own, but I was on my own for a long time, even while married. I still have a hard time that I will find someone who really loves me, who will treat me well, who will appreciate me, who will stay with me.

I'm tired of hearing that "It will happen in its own time." That's what everyone said about meeting H - and look what happened!

I'm tired of hearing that I "shouldn't need someone." I don't NEED just anyone - if I did, I could find a guy today. But I do WANT someone special.

I see friends, sing, work, take care of the kids, go to the gym...I am busy, but there is still something/someone missing.

Gosh, what a downer. Ugh.

Man, I wish this snow would stop; it is so not helping my mood, that's for sure!

Love to all of you,
Nicola

[bright_new_day]

I do not hate him - most of the time! I am still angry that he gets off essentially scot free, and I am the one left to take care of the kids - emotionally and physically - borrow from my parents to keep my house, and deal with the stress of being a single mum. Even so, I am actually LESS stressed now than I was when he lived w/ us. The tension b/t us was unbearable.

I know how you feel Nic. I think it would be much easier if I DID hate the X. He used to tell me that I hated him and my response was just that, that it certainly would be easier if I did, but sadly I still loved him. I guess a part of us always will because we can't just turn off our feelings. And I am also angry about being the one left to take care of everything while he moved right into a new life with the OW and no apparent repurcussions. But I do believe that it is not all that easy, and his tough times are still ahead because he has not dealt with anything yet. And I am also happier now. I rediscovered some of my female friendships that I wasn't able to maintain while married to him. I am in control of my life and it is going well. And my stress level is low....til his number pops up on the caller ID.

I am feeling blue at least partly b/c I am lonely. I know that it's better to wait till the papers are signed before getting seriously involved with anyone else b/c the negotiations just take up so much mental space. I must say, though, that I am certainly looking forward to telling Work Guy that I'm FINALLY D'd!!! If that doesn't get him to ask me out, his loss!

Definitely his loss!!! It is too difficult to try to get into something new when you are still trying to settle the old. I also had decided that regardless of my X's adultery, I made a vow when I married him so I kept it. I would not date as long as I was still married. So now I am divorced and beginning to look around.

I'm tired of hearing that I "shouldn't need someone." I don't NEED just anyone - if I did, I could find a guy today. But I do WANT someone special.

I see friends, sing, work, take care of the kids, go to the gym...I am busy, but there is still something/someone missing.

I also have a busy life with work, kids, gym, friends, etc. Right now I really don't think anything feels missing. I do think dating could add to my fun, but I don't think it is a missing piece. I am also real unsure whethter I would ever want to marry again. It's going to be a while before I would even consider it!

I don't want to sound like everyone else who asys that special someone will be there in good time, but I do kind of look at things that way. What is meant to happen will happen. We married our x's because it was meant to happen. We were meant to be with them and have our families. It didn't follow the plan we expected, but we survived and are better for it. Your life will be what it is meant to be, no sense overthinking it!

[always_14]

((( nic )))

I think everything you are feeling is natural - at least I hope so, b/c I have moments like that, too!

We're human. We like companionship, appreciation, meaning. And, I think that's all it is. I think we're beyond the stage of proving to ourselves, or others, that we need to tout that we "don't need a man"..... look at what we got through without a "bandaid" and how slowly we're taking it to move into another R or not. I think that says plenty about not "needing a man".... but, it's just dang nice to have someone to share the quiet moments and the fun ones, too.

I will say this. It's a miracle, really, that we can feel the desire for someone...it's nice to know we can still feel that way. And, it's nice that we can feel that looking forward, and not so scared of the uncertainty that we keep looking back in yearning to our horrible marital situations.

I am so proud of you.

I love hearing that you deserve something wonderful - it puts a smile in my heart.

My love to you.