Hello Mr. MLC!!!!

[mymonkeybug]

Kerry-

I am still smiling over that hug. See when H left professing the ILYBNILWY garbage I was in dire need of physical touch from him and he wouldn't give it but after a couple weeks he agreed to hug me if I needed one so I asked a couple times then a couple times I hugged him without asking him for one and he seemed worried I might try to sneak in a kiss or something as he was very rigid and almost defensive so I stopped altogether. Well although he has been lingering here longer when visiting he would race out the door when he left almost as if to avoid me having the opportunity to sneak in a hug. So when he lingered and lingered yesterday then came at me with that smile and layed that genuine sincere hug on me...wow...it took all my strength to with hold the emotions but at the same time I was so taken aback by it I think he saw my jaw hit the driveway...lol.

I now realize these little baby steps are so very important to grasp onto and make mental or even written note of. I never realized before being thrown into this situation how those little things meant so much and were taken for granted until they were gone.

[Forrest Gump]

I don't communicate very well so you gotta read between the lines...

You wear the pants in the family. I see you being a strong willed person. You have your head on. I can see Ms. Bit*h all over this. Don't take that personal.. It's you.

This crazy man who is chest deep in a MLC loves you. He is really frustrated. He can't talk to you. He can't say what he wants to say. Cause you will likely flip it around on him. The part that is somewhat exciting to me is that you "think" about him. How many LBS here would wish for that. Yes I know you are LB.

Your situation is unique to a point.

To me (call me crazy if you want) you telling him to "go somewhere" was a sure sign to him you did not care. You re-affirmed everything he thought. That was the driving force.

I see your point of view I really do. You still don't see his. I am not taking sides!! You both are wrong!!

That girl you were.. That boy he was. That is where you want to be.

I have wished I could be in his shoes many times. To just WAW. I just can't get there.

99% of the time I see what has happened as a cry for help. He has NFC what to do. He did not sign up for this. Neither did you.

Trust in Ms Bit*h and Mr As*hole never met when you were "in love". Now they live together. They have kids together.

Ms Bit*h is really not that bad she has just not seen the results she wanted. Remember shes a Big B.

Mr As*hole is really not that bad he has just not seen the results he wanted. Remember he is big and black.

From the book make a new sign. Big letters "WHERE IS MY CHEESE?"

You guys just gotta find that happy medium. Ms B and gotta talk to Mr A.

When I say "talk" it is not what you think. Its rolling back to what made you and him do the "deed".

You posted here. I appreciate that. But.. Who is really feeling LB?

I did not post this to make you feel bad or that no one will support you. I will do my best to help you. But it is interesting that he is the one that is "gone" and yet you are posting?

I hope I did not scare you away. I do that sometimes. Honestly I have hope for you two. Anytime I see the "flame" I post. Its in you.

[mymonkeybug]

OK, must ask what the heck was all that? I am not bothered by what I read in your post but am a bit confused. Let me get to what I believe I understood from you:

Yes I am strong willed and have been a royal B*tch in the past. You believe that by me telling him to go spend some time away to clear his head and do some soul searching was taken by him as I great BIG I don't care from me? Why is me 'thinking' about him exciting to you? What point of view of his do you feel I may bot be seeing? So you rhink maybe he is feeling 'left behind'?

I appreciate your perspective on this and look forward to reading your replies to the above questions.

[Forrest Gump]

Quick response. I will BRB.

[Forrest Gump]

Absolutely, I feel that you telling him to take some time and clear his head had a huge effect on him. You saying it with all your good intent did not hit his ears that way. There was nothing wrong with what you said. To me. To him it meant something way different.

I can only tell you what I see and think. I am completely confidant that everyone here will agree I come from out of nowhere. I call myself a semi-LBS. I post on stitches that "hit home". Something I can feel. Or relate to.

It is exciting to me because for some reason I can see the love. Its random to me. Sometimes people write stuff and it just hits me. As crazy as it sounds sometimes I feel like I am there.

The point of view you are not seeing is he feels like he has been run over. Totally overbearing and in your face. You can't deny it. You wrote about it.

I don't fault you.. Or look down on you. You understand your hand in all this. You and me.. Not that different. You just really have to slow your roll. I honestly see your point of view 110%.

I have said before you can get angry with me and call me out, beat up on me. And I will still be here. I like it when people show the emotion. He*l read my post. There is a lot of crazy person in that. I respect people that lay it on the line.

What attracted me to your post was the honesty. Now if I can take a moment and lay out what you said in my terms. Keep in mind what you wrote and how I see it. I fault you in no way. I hope you kinda get it. Or I make you think.

[mymonkeybug]

I do get what you are saying and I never really thought of him seing me suggesting he take some time away from me and the kids to think and soul search as me showing a lack of caring for him or interest in him. However now that you have mentioned it I certainly can. Thank you for that perspective.

I admit I have always been overbearing and very in your face and those are aspects of my character I have been softening so to speak.

Thank you greatly for making me think. I can see how he would feel I guess abandon by me for saying what I said about needing to find out what was wrong inside him by going away to do it. I don't understand and never will though how he feels this party boy lifestyle and living who knows where and when can be a better life though. Something he feel he has to experience though I guess and I also realize I had a part in driving him there.

[Forrest Gump]

OK I did the big goof of some newbies and was all over the board the first 2 months but want to get all my sitch. in 1 thread so I can get peoples advice and opinions.

Ok.. big tip to me lots of emotion, NFC, Need answers. I need a book. Tell me what to do.

History-

H and I married for 15 years and 2 wonderful kids later...

Your kids are wonderful because of both of you

August 07' he tells me he feels lonely and neglected because I was always working on a home based business and he would go to bed alone. I immediately fixed that by turning off computer when I know he is on his way home from work.

First indication of "neglect". I am sure you did not wake up trying to hurt him. But it hit him like that. Kudos you tried to change. He did not "see" it.

Sept. 07' we go to Disney with other family of mine and have a great time

Oct. 07' we have a big heated discussion about money and how the economy is sinking and we will be effected like everyone else-we have always been careless with our money like many people as well-I explain to him that something just doens't seem right within him, like a depressive state and he agrees he is in some sort of FUNK.

Here is the beginning of the MLC for you. To me you are talking about how money is tight for everyone. We have been careless. Yet something is off with him? He is in a FUNK. Little tip.. He can't fix it.

and I suggest since he has no vacation time left to go away on his own for some alone time that he spend a few days at a friends house or his parents so when he gets off work at night he can retire to a room alone and do some soul searching without the distractions of home, kids, wife, etc...he seems relieved I suggest that and agrees to do it.

Of course he does. He thinks that will "FIX" it. Um.. It did not.

He packs for a week and leaves for work on a Mon. morning, goes to a bar that night and then asks me if he can come home and I said of course if you are sure you are ready.

He was not ready. He was lost. NFC what to do. Tried to cover it up and make it look good. That is what DAM do.

He came home put his head in my lap and cried professing he loves us and doesn't want to lose us and that he is sorry or being so selfish. I tell him we will be OK and he says he will fix whatever is wrong with him so he doesn't lose us.

Did he really say he would "fix" it? Big sign!!! Man crying!

Nov. 07'-he is forced into a paycut at work, big life shocker since we were living a lifestyle that this new paycut wouldn't allow anymore so major adjustments are needed but I had also gone back to work PT after our youngest went off to all day kindergarten which was what H and I always agreed upon.

Paycut= Kick to the Balls. Another sign "he sucks"!

Dec. 07'-Holiday season and he is Mr. Grinch all month because of money but we joke about it often-then along comes Dec. 20th-we have another discussion about money and how the mortgage is late for the month and the mortgage co. doesn't seem to be willing to work with us but we are getting it together, I explain to him that he still seems off emotionally and mentally like a depression. Dec 21st-I call him after he left for work and tell him I can't keep walking on eggshells not knowing how he will react and what kind of mood he is in and suggest again he spend some time away to get his thoughts together and he agrees.

Second time "get away". His mind "You suck!!" You can't fix the hole in your as*. Again of course he agrees. He thinks it will "FIX" it. You feeling me yet?


My mom took him out to lunch that same day that I was unaware of and he opened up to her that his problems are money i.e. never having enough, always having to borrow from her, not having enough money for Xmas, feeling like he is at a dead end job, the paycut, etc...

HUGE SIGN!!! I am not a man. I cannot provide. I can't fix the (Say it with me) hole in my As*.


Dec. 22nd-He comes home to do some stuff around the house and won't even talk to me so I get angry and throw things and turn into Ms. B*tch as usual, he then comes in the house a couple hours later and whamo out of the blue-yes I was not expecting this, "ILYBNILWY" and also says he can't do this anymore and feels unfulfilled as if there are things in his life yet to do that he never did and that he wants out. Of course I suggested marriage counseling to which he said that no one will make him put on a happy face and come home because he just doesn't feel it for me anymore. Yep all this 3 days before Xmas.

That Bastard. Right before Christmas??? WTF was he thinking? He has some kinda issue. He has to be having a MLC.


Since then he has claimed that we were never compatible and were just always comfortable and habit for each other. He has softened a great deal over the last 2-3 weeks but still isn't coming home. Spends every night at 7:30 calling the kids and comes over every Thurs. and Sun. to be with them. He moved in with his parents but I know doesn't stay there all the time as he has said before he stays around town where he works. I believe he had at minimum an EA with a female friend from Oct.-Dec. 07 which seems to now be long over with. He insists there never was nor is anyone else because he truly is happy now being alone without having to rush home to his family and can be the real HIM now. He is partying more than ever and refuses to tell me anything about his life insisting he is fine and that it is his business. I insisted he take his clothes the day after he left in Dec. because it hurt so much to see the closet full of his things and smell him on his clothes whenever I got dressed and I also packed a box of his things and he after 3 weeks took it. Yes, I did that in hopes he would say keep it I am coming home, you know all those dumb things we do to get them back.

Oh.. You see it right there? I was getting back!! If I hurt him he will come right to me! That bag sitting in the driveway will make all the difference. Trust me I have done the same thing. It did not work! Stupid me.

So I have GAL and done 180's with myself and he seems to be more friendly with me now and we are very civil. Our S8 is having the roughest time and we are in therapy for it and H does go when he is requested to by therapist. H still refuses to admit that he may have MLC or depression. Now keep in mind this is the H that gloated about how I completed him and we were the envy of all our friends because he showered me with love and was the type of H that showed up with flowers for no reason and I was the W that all his friends were envious of because I never kept him on a choker chain and his friends always told him what an awesome marriage he had and how they wished for theirs to be just like his. Heck he still does for me around the house like fix things, get fire wood, cut kindling, etc...whenever I ask. He is still so drawn to us here but can't live here because he "doesn't feel it for me anymore." On another note, for a man professing ILYBNILWY he never stopped making love with me and doing all those sweet little husbandly things that a man does when he really loves his wife. The only difference ever noticed by me was about 3 years ago when the sexual roles reversed and I became the agressor and he the non agressor but we would joke about that being the 30's for you. Our roles just reversed from when we were in our 20's.

Your love language is physical. I knew that from the beginning. Your roles did not reverse you just put the pants on. Physical people want control. Hence most physical people are men. You became the aggressor because he did not know what to do. That was in all likelihood his "fix". When it stopped working he had NFC what to do.

So my thoughts are that he is major MLC. The money stresses just became too much and he snapped-they were the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. And 3 weeks ago he asked if he could have his half of the income tax return to buy a $2100 mountain bike-one of his major hobbies-to which I said when it comes in I will give you your half. I can't control what he does with it. Then he calls lastweek asking if he can buy a new truck to which I responded with the hey this is your life now and I can't tell you what to do if you want it then it is your choice to buy it or not and he went on about how he knows our situation, etc..., etc.... so he didn't buy it and apologized for bothering me. We can barely make the mortgage payments each month now and he knows that but wants to spend crazy. He now insists the house HAS to be sold because we can't afford it but I have taken a second part time job in an affort to put that off as long as possible because if he wants to come back I would like him to come back to our HOME. However I would be willing to move back closer to his work in hopes that would being him home also. We bought this house 3 years ago and it is very far-an hour plus-away from his work and that has always bothered him. He said he never had time to be dad and see his kids so now that he is gone that really isn't any different but it is because the kids didn't care if they onyl saw him for 5 minuted before bed. The thing is, he still allows me access to ALL his money to pay all the bills and comes to me to get his allowance so to speak after I do the bills. That is the way it always was though, I handled the finances and he knew we were always a pay check to pay check family which bothered the heck out of him. Another note, we almost lost both houses we have owned to foreclosure and I think deep down insid he resents me for that since I pay the bills. I also believe since the paycut happened he felt we would certainly lose this one to foreclosure and left because he told me the last time the almost foreclosure happened that if it happened again it would probably be the end of us.

OK sorry for the book but since I gooofed in the early stages of being here on the board I wanted to try and condense things so I can start getting opinions and advice from some of the veterans here. It just seems to me that it is MLC because we all know how men define themselves by their jobs and their money, etc...

I am gonna leave you with this. He still gives you the paycheck? He still comes to you for money? Yet he is not living with you? He is the one who walked away? People lead the way to you loving them. They lay it out. Sometimes we never hear it. You guys are not that far off. You still have a hand in his pocket. Play with his balls!

[Forrest Gump]

For some reason I f'd that up. Read all the stuff in between. Then read the last text.

I like who you have become it what little interaction we have had.

Show him that.

Please!! Beat me up. Call me out. Show me Queen B. I am OK with that.

I want you/him happy. I fully understand that what I say may be offensive.

[cw68]

I admit I have always been overbearing and very in your face and those are aspects of my character I have been softening so to speak.

This is something my husband has told me, that I'm overbearing. It's weird because sometimes I totally am and then others I'm the complete opposite. I guess I saw my Mom wear the pants in the family and just followed that. The bad thing is that my husband is/was passive-aggressive, hated it but didn't know how to tell me. It is something I'm trying to be very conscious of, something I want to mellow out.

Funny thing is, and this is so not surprising, my "strength" was something that he always said he loved about me early on in our relationship. Geez, what are we to do?

[Forrest Gump]

Strength...

Its attractive. Men what a woman who knows who she is.

Now picture this...

You then....

The guy that had nice arms. A flat chest with some ripples in in it.

Abs you could bounce a quarter off of.

You have become..

The guys you see in Mr Universe.

The guy that is way out of proportion.

Arms that could crush a can with one flex.

Abs that are so out of proportion that they look fake.

It is all about perspective. Some people take it to the extreme.

There was a lot of time and effort put into making a body like that. But, Who really appreciates it?