I just got caught up on your new thread and I want to agree w/ everyone (possibly even "Spank Man Jeff" that BF is moving back toward you.
Remember you see these as baby steps, but for him they most likely feel like GIANT strides. He is most likely expending a ton of emotional energy just contacting you in the way he is, so look at them as positives.
He just doesn't have the capacity to do it any better or any faster right now. Remember, he has to ultimately be able to look at his own image in the mirror and be accountable for his own unhappiness.
Keep being a friend and keep the pressure low and he'll keep coming back. If/when the R talk turns up, don't jump in w/ two feet. Rather, keep him back and merely dip your toe in the water.
You are approaching 4 months, correct? Is 4, 5, 6, 12 months or longer of this maddening DB stuff worth 20, 30, 40 years or more of togetherness again w/ a brand new appreciation and outlook for each other?
If the answer is yes, then don't forget the ultimate goal and remember what Vince Lombardi once said (He's an American football legend, by the way):
Quote:
It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.
We're all tripping, stumbling and falling here and the key is in our ability to get up and dust ourselves off for the next round. If you want to get religious, you can think of Christ carrying the cross. He didn't want to walk that path, but he knew it was right, so he did it anyway despite the pain it exerted on him.
Or, for you English, you can always fall back on good ol' Winston Churchill:
Quote:
If you are going through Hell, keep going.
If we quit now, we'll never truly know what could have been on the other side.
Stay strong, my dear English friend. Focus on yourself and focus on the ultimate goals you've established.
If I was living with you in the DB HQ I would be taking you out shopping, and we would have a hot chocolate and yummy treats for afternoon tea. And you know what you dont need me there to do that!
A watched pot never boils! A very english saying. :-)
Thanks RTL, Essie and Oneday, I really appreciate a bit of a boost. I just cant seem to see that its baby steps..as in back toward ME, it just might be that I am the closest person to him still, and we were always such good friends, best of friends, and we do have a very similiar and particular humour and make each other laugh/smile whatever...maybe its just all that stuff going on here? That he is getting some comfort from me? I just havent noticed any change of heart in him. I am encouraged that he continues to sign his messages "me" - but OneDay, I am always amazed that your H signs his "love H x x x" !!! and he has a purple-peril (hopefully an ex-purple-peril, hey?)
I'm worried that I havent yet told him about Berlin. I will have to tell him Monday, but that OM (from 4 years ago) moved to Berlin and I'm really worried that it will stir up old feelings, me going there. Although we havent been in touch since he moved there in early 2004. And my BF knew that we were no longer in touch. But if I were my BF, I would imagine me emailing and suggesting we met up (how hostel is actually at the top of his road! We will probs be using the same train station). I have absolutely no desire to contact him/meet up with him again though. I hope my BF either asks and I can say, no I am not in touch with him (and anyway, I wouldnt p*ss on him if he were on fire - another British saying!)..or that he doesnt just stay silent but have old resentments about it. He did say at the bomb (as I asked him), that this was nothing to do with my EA, that was all in the past and we had resolved it and moved on from it.
Still. I am going to Berlin. Where he lives. Damn! Why did I book it!? As if me and my BF arent in enough of a fragile sitch I have to go and shove that into the mix! Be great to go to the Hamburger Bahnof though! :-)
And he's feeling low, and has been emailing me every day this week, but I wont be around for a week, I'm not back till Saturday night. Maybe its bad timing to go away.
Well, the good news is, as my BF is away, I can go to work tommorow now doing my bosses accounts (whoppee! thrills!), but the money is good and I cant bike ride as it is going to rain :-(
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
There wasn't anything wrong with your text Ali! There is no way he wasn't saying what he said in an amused way.
Don't worry that he went home. That's a good place for him to find his center. He needs that before he will really be ready to have a full relationship with you. You should carry a sock around to stuff in the the mouths of all those negative folks!
Hey Ali - here is my advice about the Berlin thing (I'm very jealous that you are going). Be as vague as you can about it if it comes up with BF. You dont have to tell him you are going! Eg. BF says - can I contact you on Wednesday about the mortgage. Ali "Oh shoot, I've actually booked a holiday I will be away for 5 nights. I will be home on xyz" BF "hmm" Ali "Yeah I'm really excited about it, will be fun to do some sightseeing. I cant wait, I'm hoping to do some shopping too, it will be good to get away and try something new" BF "where are you going?" Ali - possible change of subject "oh look there's a cat outside the window" if BF insistently brings up "where are you going?" Ali "thought I might see the Hamburger Bahnof in berlin" BF - "are you going to see your X-BF?" Ali (shocked tones) "Oh gee I never even thought of that. Thats not the reason I'm going but you are right I should see if I can catch up for a coffee with him.... not sure if I have his contact details though" CHANGE OF SUBJECT. Play it cool, and mysterious!
Your focus is still way too much on him and not enough on you and making you happy. Its going to make you happy to go to Berlin right? Well forget about BF - he can look after himself (he doesn't need you to fix him)
If he calls and you aren't home great. If there is an email waiting for you on your return, answer it by saying that you have been overseas and just got home. It will get him wondering about you - and he will naturally draw closer. Its great GAL! You can always have a holiday photo on the fridge for him to notice at a later date.
Hey Ali have you tried "living in the moment"? I wonder if that would help you not stress trying to see what the future holds (or analyzing what happened in the past....)??? It might help you move to the next stage of acceptance. When you catch yourself worrying about the future and / or being regretful of the past, mentally stop yourself and focus on the present moment (cause that's where its all happening). Just a thought!
don't you dare have second thoughts about your trip to Berlin. You booked it when you felt really down and it sounded and is a great idea. Enjoy your trip and stop worrying aboyt him feeling jealous or whatever. You don't have to rub in to him but he has no control over your life (although I know you would like him to).
So, enjoy your trip darling!!
(blond!!!) Kalni
PS1 About the messages: sorry, the English is too advanced for me, didn't get it...
PS2 You said you'll change you hair color to honour me, I am waiting to be honoured...
Just stopping by. You're thread's been busy!! Hope work isn't too tedious- I'm also having to do some work- not fun on a Sunday but what can you do?!
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenlyAlone
I just havent noticed any change of heart in him. I am encouraged that he continues to sign his messages "me" - but OneDay, I am always amazed that your H signs his "love H x x x" !!! and he has a purple-peril (hopefully an ex-purple-peril, hey?)
Ali- he has been making strides towards you. Going from no contact, to contact, to frequent contact, to telling you he feels low and explaining where he is and joking around with you seems like quite a few changes to me! He is moving towards you! But maybe it's just a little slower than you expect/want?
It's so hard to deal with, as we as LBS's want our WAS to come out with an about turn- just to say they made a horrible mistake and to come home. But in practise, it takes time (as you are seeing in your sitch). The great thing is that there are so many positive things happening in how BF is interacting with you. Laughing and joking are brilliant! Be patient- all good things come to those who wait!! (I am in cliche-ville today!). Remember that in crisis things happen on their timeline, not ours...
By the way, it's taken 6 months to get to 'Love H xx', from a starting point of 'no greeting' and signed 'H' (or nothing). Considering the pace at which things are going for you, you'll probably be getting an ILY before I manage to get up to 'Love H xxx'!!
Oh, and to add to the thoughts of the others, don't you dare cancel the Berlin trip! It sounds like it's going to be great fun and Essie's thoughts about handling the OM issue were spot on. You don't have to justify your behaviour to BF right now- just keep him wondering what he's missing out on (as you've been doing so beautifully)
that BF is moving back toward you.
