Out of the Blue?

[jmw128]

referring to spying

So, worrying is simply for you...it doesn't aid your task. I'd argue it hurts with your ability to detach

not only would I argue it, I would flat argue that it prevents you from detaching. You'd be living at least part of your life based upon their actions. Besides, how will spying benefit you. You will either feel the same or worse...nothing you find out will actually make you feel better.

[kturnernc]

You are exactly right jmw128. Let's look at this... what can i find out? If I look and find out nothing then I will still worry and keep looking and distrusting her. If I find something then I will be sorry I even looked. I am staying out of that. Any of the looking is in the past. I am still wanting to, but I am not acting on it.

As far as movements in GAL... I went to a hockey game last night with some buddies. Had a great time. WAW happened to call during the game (I did not pick up). In her very brief message she sounded.. a bit irritated that I did not answer. I know it was just the nightly call for the kids to say good night, but she was the one on the phone, not them. I also have a really good gym at my new place, I will start going there next week as I have the kids this weekend and they can't go in there. I have also picked back up drawing with pastels. I may pick back up some other hobbies i used to do years ago that would keep my mind off things.

Right now, I think I am doing fairly well. I am taking a break on reading books on separation, self help, divorce, relationships, etc, because I think I was getting burned out. I am going to mentally and physically relax and then make some more changes next week. I am hoping to go get some new clothes. As a lot of my stuff does not fit due to the weight I have lost in this ordeal.

Thanks for all the positive advice and vibes guys!!!

[addie]

Those are great GAL goals. Start with a couple as to not become overwhelmed and then see if you can take on more.

[tomcat65]

Hey ken that thought was really funny,Dude!!Im still giggling about bouncing that ball,real funny ,thanks.How you doing!hanging in there i hope

[kturnernc]

Hey tom, glad i could make you laugh!

Anyway, quick update. I wonder if her attitude of this little situation is cracking a bit. I am not going to read too much into it though. Back to the story... I went tonight to pick up the kids. I walked in and thought I would help her by making a few suggestions on things she has been trying to change, she has been complaining about money and auto draft things. The day before she had moved 2 of her insurance accounts to a different agent. This was because my sister was our original agent. Anyway, she onlymoved 2, so we now have 2 auto draft accounts not just one!!! So I told her that she should move all the accounts of hers to her account and that I would move all to mine. She blew up!!! Told me my sis was prying where she did not belong, complained about money (she had just got a bill), said she did not know how she was going to pay mortgage. Totally lost it. I was very sympathetic, told her that I understood that I was struggling too and that I had to make a strict budget.

She then went off accusing me of trying to pull something over on her, having her followed, spying on her, putting software on the PC to track her stuff. WOW!!! I have no desire to do any of this as I have stated before. On these points I assured her that I was being nothing but honest and that I swore to her that I would not do those things. I have never lied to her when things are promised and she knows that. For these points, I am guessing that she feels kind of guilty that she is seeking a date so early in a separation. I think that she also feels confused because she is seeing that I am being very honest and supportive and that I am not that bad.

Anyway, sorry for the epic typing there was a lot of little things. As I had said, I am trying my hardest not to read anything into this, but this is the first time I have really seen her crack since the original separation. Up until now she has pretty much been all smiles, doing great, loving life, free as a bird, etc.

Should I be reading something into this? Do I want to?

[tomcat65]

Hey I think it is the guilt,and shes starting to blame you for it, i hope i can do as good as you did if i get the chance.Keep it up i think you are learning fast.Hope everything keeps going well for you.You are being relly strong.Thanks agian for the laugh

[addie]

I am guessing that she feels kind of guilty that she is seeking a date so early in a separation. I think that she also feels confused because she is seeing that I am being very honest and supportive and that I am not that bad.

I think you hit the nail on the head. You are probably not reacting the way she expected you to and this is causing her a great deal of confusion about her decision to separate and most likely she is dealing with feelings of guilt as well. It is normal for WAS to be moody. One moment they are friendly, the next moment distant or angry. You handled it well. Just continue what you've been doing.

[Just_Me]

Should I be reading something into this? Do I want to?

Of course there are plenty of people that will tell you how guilty she feels. I won't because I don't know.

Honestly, I don't see anything to read into except that she's stressed about money and she thinks you're spying on her. If I were guessing I say that she knows you're still hung up on her and so she questioins what you are up to. Have you been talking to anyone about her that could get back to her? If so, don't. Somehow it sounds like she knows that you know she's looking for dates.

Since you asked, "Do I want to?", I'd say, No, you don't really want to look that closely. Take it at face value.

Notice how she responded poorly to your being Mr. Fix-it. Don't bother suggesting how she should handle things unless she specifically asks for your input.

[kturnernc]

Just_Me, you are correct by saying that we don't know. I think that she is expecting me to be upset with her, which i have not been, just supportive. She knows that I love her and will do anything for her, I am not reinforcing that other than being supportive. I have not been talking to anyone that will talk to her at all. Unless of course they call her directly, but I am pretty sure that has not happened. Or at least I have not heard about it. As far as the dates... guilt? Who knows on that part as I have not said anything other than the conversation last week about us dating. That stemmed from a therapist session and was on my mind.

I honestly think it is guilt and the first round of crashing realizations on her part, that she had not fully thought this separation through completely. She currently only works 2 days a week. I don't think she ever considered that she would have to start working more. She is seeming stressed out all the time now when i see her. She is no longer the chipper, perfectly happy person that she seemed to be right after the split. Who knows?

Backing up a bit on her is what i am going to do. I am not going to suggest anything that I may be construed as me spying or prying. She is going to get all her space.

[Just_Me]

I think she'll probably have to work more. Reality can be such a beatch sometimes. Maybe it will help her at least look at the possibility of reconciliation.

Personally (and this is just me...you decide what's right for you), I would have serious doubts about her if she only stayed because life is harsh with a part time job only. Marriage is more than just financial security, but hopefully at least her insecurity will help the ball start rolling. Resist the urge to bail her out.