Sometmes I feel like telling my husband that as well...hey if you are just miserable here with me, then go ahead and leave. But I am trying to act like we have a future together for a long, long time. We still aren't touching at all. We sleep in the same bed and feels like we are miles apart. I would give just about anything right now for a hug or cuddle.
I know that he still isn't sure what he wants. I can't push him even though I want to.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
You're probably right. I should just keep acting as if. I really have seen positive changes, despite her negative comments. I need to trust my gut.
On the other hand, I need to know what she's thinking. I know DR says no R talks, but isn't it about time for one - to see what she wants in order to move forward? EDITED, EMAIL ADDRESS NOT ALLOWED
Hello lodo. God, it's pretty freaking scary to be back here again, not because of the sitches but because I'm afraid I forgot how to help. It's been a LONG time since I actively thought about how to do these things, which is likely a testament to how well it works to roll them into who you are.
ANYWAY, I heard through the grapevine that OT invoked my name (actually I posted a "hi all" thread in Infidelity and WCW pointed me here). I probably will not be around all that much to read through a bunch of posts but I'd be glad to answer any questions you have or try to help if I can.
I feel honored. Still haven't made it all the way through your sitch - man, you're a prolific writer!
I don't know if I have any specific questions. Just feeling unsure right now. Long story short, I was taking my marriage for granted, we'd become emotionally distant, didn't do things anymore, and then W had an A with coworker and moved out. That ended, but she's stayed emotionally involved with him. I started making changes in myself and W and I started having dinners, talking, etc. We're still like best friends. She ultimately decided not to work on M, though, so I said the relationship was over, no more contact, then left for vacation. She freaked and wanted to move back in. So, she's been back almost 2 weeks, but it isn't going so good. We're like roommates and she's emotionally distant. Won't stop contact with coworker.
Latest is that last night we were talking about having a possible dinner party. I said I was unsure about inviting people because I thought she was getting ready to move back out - she said she was. We talked quite a bit, but it was all cerebral - good, though. She said she didn't feel attracted to me anymore and didn't know how long to give it a chance. I said I knew it was going to take time, but didn't think much could happen if she was emotionally attached to coworker. She just hung her head. At the end, I told her she should move out if she didn't want to be with me. She left the room for awhile, then came back in and said she wanted to stay and would try harder.
I guess I do have questions. What is trying harder? What will we be doing when we're "trying harder"? What can I do to attract her when she works long days with the exciting and new OM? Of course she feels weird coming home - how can I change that when her emotions are focused elsewhere?
Besides the above, I did do something that surprised both of us the other night. She was going to bed and I asked if we could talk a minute. She reluctantly came back and sat down. I was going to talk R, but instead asked her where she saw herself in 4 years given her current path. She really brightened up and we had a great talk. It made me realize that I might think I'm trying, but maybe I'm not connecting in the ways I think I am. When we had our R talk last night, she kept asking me about where I was headed. Later she said she was looking for an equal and someone who challenged her. I guess the question to me is, is that who I am and how do I show her that when she already knows me so well?
Yes, I am actually a writer and have a terrible lack of ability to censor/edit myself so I run on... and on... and on
To your sitch I say this (and I am SURE most of it you've heard before);
First of all, make absolutely SURE you are doing all this "stuff" because you want it for you, not to attract her or win her back. You can't win her back. You can only be the man you were when she met you, be the man you want to be and if that's not what she wants, well, then it's not. The OM is a symptom, not a problem. Yes, his continued presence will make a full or even partial reconciliation and reconnection between the two of you very difficult, if not impossible. That said, who freaking cares. Right now you have nothing. You have only what YOU can do in this sitch and that's to become better on your own. She's already quit in a manner and the only thing that will get her back in the game is her actually WANTING to be in the game... with YOU. Making her cage smaller (e.g. cutting off her options, with OM or otherwise) is not necessarily going to make her want you more. Wanting you more is going to make her want you more. YOU are going to have to just BE and the wanting has to come from her. No coercion, no manipulation, no games from you.
Quote:
When we had our R talk last night, she kept asking me about where I was headed. Later she said she was looking for an equal and someone who challenged her. I guess the question to me is, is that who I am and how do I show her that when she already knows me so well?
She CLEARLY has deep issues with you and who you are at the core. Clearly this OM, being someone she works with and presumably shares her same drive for her job/profession she does, represents an ideal to her, nevermind all the pitfalls and high chance of failure their relationship faces if it continues. If her issues with you are related to ambition (or lack thereof) like some of my W's were with me, you need to consider that. As for you showing her that part of you when she "knows you so well", I cry BS. YOU don't know you that well, how can she? You are currently shaping who you are based on the core values and ideals YOU want to exhibit, right? If so, and assuming that will bring you closer to being the man she forgot she loved all those years ago.... get my point? You don't show her anything. You just BE something you want to be, and probably that is similar, if not exactly what she feels is missing.
My wife used to comment ALL THE TIME before her affair that I was not the ambitious man she married. That I settled. That I wasn't going anywhere, etc. Nevermind I THOUGHT I was doing that all in the name of a stable income, etc. She perceived it as a fundamental shift in my ambition and a distinct lack of future. It was a total turn off to her in every way.
Anyway, hope that helps some... will check back on ya when I can.
You ARE a writer - this is really well stated. You've given me a lot to digest. Yes, I've heard all this before, but I find myself having to rethink my prior understandings.
I AM working on myself for my OWN sake - because I'd become someone I didn't want to be. That said, I love my W very much and I realize a long-term relationship isn't easy. Both partners change over time and need to accept change in each other for the relationship to work. I hate the fact that my W is focusing on the past and seemingly not open to the possibility of the future, but as you say, I can't make her change her opinion.
And yet, she moved back in, and last night she said she'd try harder. So there are many positives, but also a back and forth that is very hard for me to reconcile. I don't want a roommate relationship, but I'm willing to show patience while she works through what she wants. It's that balance that is so difficult for me to figure out, especially when ultimately I know we can get through this if she chooses to approach me with a positive attitude. Will the person I'm becoming inspire that? Only time will tell.
There is of course the looming specter of the OM. Yes, you're right - he does represent all the excitement of her ambitions and rising career.
And your charge of BS is accepted. I AM still trying to figure out where I'm going after having settled and lost ambition.
Anyway, as for your W trying, well, to me that sounds like a lot of what we (and I talk like someone who's still here all the time) urge you NOT to do. Trying is not the goal. Some movie said "there is no try, only do". Yoda maybe? I am not saying you frown AT ALL upon this idea of her effort, just see it for what it is... or maybe isn't.
Yes, it's great that she is willing to try and you 100% accept, validate, and encourage that in her but at the end of the day, at the end of this sitch I don't believe most people want to be in a relationship that requires trying so much.
My wife tried for years to fall back in love with me and then again once we started to get things fixed after OM but it wasn't until most of the trying was removed that she really felt sure she was back for good.
Use her "trying" as a way to buy yourself time. Make sure you don't build any expectations based on what YOU think her trying will look like and just TRY to do your own growing along side her.
If you men want to know what women really want and need, go to this site and give them your email address and you will receive a free daily newsletter written by a man to men about women. It is great! Hope you will pass it along.
Also, Michelle's books are on Amazon and the used books start at 13 cents plus 3.99 S&H. All that I have bought that were used were in very good condition. Hope you will spread the word to anyone that can't pay regular price right now.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I went to a memorial service yesterday for a colleague and ended up being extremely moved. Talked to W about it when I got home and ended up breaking into tears - everything just swirled together all of a sudden. W was very supportive and we had a great conversation. Subject of her grandfather came up. He had said something very moving about her to a friend, and this friend told her about it at her grandfather's funeral. Anyway, she then broke down into tears. So there we were, both crying but about something other than R for a change. Felt very close last night. Little weird at end - I was rubbing her back and she seemed okay. Then turned and said she wasn't ready for sex. I said I was only rubbing her back because I thought she might like it - not trying to seduce her. We went to bed and she said she was dizzy from drinking too much wine.
Then woke up this morning next to dragon lady. W has been distant and snipping/blowing up about everything. For example, she forgot to ask me to get her favorite bread at the grocery store. I said I was going back out to run errands and could pick it up on my way home. She got really short, raised her voice, and said she'd do it, she likes going to the store.
Where did that come from? Why the b**ch act all of a sudden? Having friends over for dinner tonight - this should be interesting. Screw it - I can act as if and have PMA all day. I'm not going to let her push my buttons.
In a nutshell... I suspect she didn't like the fact that her guard was let down and feelings surfaced that complicate her outlook. I sound like a magic 8 ball but that's what it looks like from here. As you already said, just roll with it, keep your wits about you and just let her get this out of her system.
