OK I did the big goof of some newbies and was all over the board the first 2 months but want to get all my sitch. in 1 thread so I can get peoples advice and opinions.
History-
H and I married for 15 years and 2 wonderful kids later...
August 07' he tells me he feels lonely and neglected because I was always working on a home based business and he would go to bed alone. I immediately fixed that by turning off computer when I know he is on his way home from work.
Sept. 07' we go to Disney with other family of mine and have a great time
Oct. 07' we have a big heated discussion about money and how the economy is sinking and we will be effected like everyone else-we have always been careless with our money like many people as well-I explain to him that something just doens't seem right within him, like a depressive state and he agrees he is in some sort of FUNK and I suggest since he has no vacation time left to go away on his own for some alone time that he spend a few days at a friends house or his parents so when he gets off work at night he can retire to a room alone and do some soul searching without the distractions of home, kids, wife, etc...he seems relieved I suggest that and agrees to do it. He packs for a week and leaves for work on a Mon. morning, goes to a bar that night and then asks me if he can come home and I said of course if you are sure you are ready. He came home put his head in my lap and cried professing he loves us and doesn't want to lose us and that he is sorry or being so selfish. I tell him we will be OK and he says he will fix whatever is wrong with him so he doesn't lose us.
Nov. 07'-he is forced into a paycut at work, big life shocker since we were iving a lifestyle that this new paycut wouldn't allow anymore so major adjustments needed but I had also gone back to work PT after our youngest went off to all day kindergarten which was what H and I always agreed upon
Dec. 07'-Holiday season and he is Mr. Grinch all month because of money but we joke about it often-then along comes Dec. 20th-we have another discussion about money and how the mortgage os late for the month and the mortgage co. doesn't seem to be willing to work with us but we are getting it together, I explain to him that he still seems off emotionally and mentally like a depression. Dec 21st-I call him after he left for work and tell him I can't keep walking on eggshells not knowing how he will react and what kind of mood he is in and suggest again he spend some time away to get his thoughts together and he agrees. My mom took him out to lunch that same day that I was unaware of and he opened up to her that his problems are money i.e. never having enough, always ahving to borrow from her, not having enough money for Xmas, feeling like he is at a dead end job, the paycut, etc... Dec. 22nd-He comes home to do some stuff around the house and won't even talk to me so I get angry and throw things and turn into Ms. B*tch as usual, he then comes in the house a couple hours later and whamo out of the blue-yes I was not expecting this, "ILYBNILWY" and also says he can't do this anymore and feels unfulfilled as if there are things in his life yet to do that he never did and that he wants out. Of course I suggested marriage counseling to which he said that no one will make him put on a happy face and come home because he just doesn't feel it for me anymore. Yep all this 3 days before Xmas.
Since then he has claimed that we were never compatible and were just always comfortable and habit for each other. He has softened a great deal over the last 2-3 weeks but still isn't coming home. Spends every night at 7:30 calling the kids and comes over every Thurs. and Sun. to be with them. He moved in with his parents but I know doesn't stay there all the time as he has said before he stays around town where he works. I believe he had at minimum an EA with a female friend from Oct.-Dec. 07 which seems to now be long over with. He insists there never was nor is anyone else because he truly is happy now being alone without having to rush home to his family and can be the real HIM now. He is partying more than ever and refuses to tell me anything about his life insisting he is fine and that it is his business. I insisted he take his clothes the day after he left in Dec. because it hurt so much to see the closet full of his things and smell him on his clothes whenever I got dressed and I also packed a box of his things and he after 3 weeks took it. Yes, I did that in hopes he would say keep it I am coming home, you know all those dumb things we do to get them back.
So I have GAL and done 180's with myself and he seems to be more friendly with me now and we are very civil. Our S8 is having the roughest time and we are in therapy for it and H does go when he is requested to by therapist. H still refuses to admit that he may have MLC or depression. Now keep in mind this is the H that gloated about how I completed him and we were the envy of all our friends because he showered me with love and was the type of H that showed up with flowers for no reason and I was the W that all his friends were envious of because I never kept him on a choker chain and his friends always told him what an awesome marriage he had and how they wished for theirs to be just like his. Heck he still does for me around the house like fix things, get fire wood, cut kindling, etc...whenever I ask. He is still so drawn to us here but can't live here because he "doesn't feel it for me anymore." On another note, for a man professing ILYBNILWY he never stopped making love with me and doing all those sweet little husbandly things that a man does when he really loves his wife. The only difference ever noticed by me was about 3 years ago when the sexual roles reversed and I became the agressor and he the non agressor but we would joke about that being the 30's for you. Our roles just reversed from when we were in our 20's.
So my thoughts are that he is major MLC. The money stresses just became too much and he snapped-they were the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. And 3 weeks ago he asked if he could have his half of the income tax return to buy a $2100 mountain bike-one of his major hobbies-to which I said when it comes in I will give you your half. I can't control what he does with it. Then he calls lastweek asking if he can buy a new truck to which I responded with the hey this is your life now and I can't tell you what to do if you want it then it is your choice to buy it or not and he went on about how he knows our situation, etc..., etc.... so he didn't buy it and apologized for bothering me. We can barely make the mortgage payments each month now and he knows that but wants to spend crazy. He now insists the house HAS to be sold because we can't afford it but I have taken a second part time job in an affort to put that off as long as possible because if he wants to come back I would like him to come back to our HOME. However I would be willing to move back closer to his work in hopes that would being him home also. We bought this house 3 years ago and it is very far-an hour plus-away from his work and that has always bothered him. He said he never had time to be dad and see his kids so now that he is gone that really isn't any different but it is because the kids didn't care if they onyl saw him for 5 minuted before bed. The thing is, he still allows me access to ALL his money to pay all the bills and comes to me to get his allowance so to speak after I do the bills. That is the way it always was though, I handled the finances and he knew we were always a pay check to pay check family which bothered the heck out of him. Another note, we almost lost both houses we have owned to foreclosure and I think deep down insid he resents me for that since I pay the bills. I also believe since the paycut happened he felt we would certainly lose this one to foreclosure and left because he told me the last time the almost foreclosure happened that if it happened again it would probably be the end of us.
OK sorry for the book but since I gooofed in the early stages of being here on the board I wanted to try and condense things so I can start getting opinions and advice from some of the veterans here. It just seems to me that it is MLC because we all know how men define themselves by their jobs and their money, etc...
Last edited by mymonkeybug; 02/23/0801:52 PM.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I hope everyone out there in LBS land is having a good night?
Still hoping to get some good avice from those here that have been at this a while. I read posts and get inspired by those still standing for their marriages months and years later. I only hope I continue to have the strength and patience for a very long roller coaster ride as so many of you have had.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
It was nice to read your whole story. I have been following things with you here and there, but hadn't read about your entire sitch. You seem to be handling things a whole lot better than I am! Keep up the good DBing work.
In some ways our H's sound similar. Mine is really upset about his poor paying job and lack of money. He says that he can't be independant without more money, yet he goes out and buying a $300 stereo for his car. This doesn't sound like someone who wants to save money, does it? He keeps saying that as soon as he can afford it, he will leave for his own apartment.....maybe. A lot of moping around and being depressed yet he denies depression or a MLC. I just keep validating his feelings (I understand you want your independance....I am sure it is a difficult decision to make....) and hope for the best.
I am sure people here can give you good advice. Hang in there for you and your kids!
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Thanks for visiting. I figured I had been all over the board and in searching through other peoples situations I noticed so many of them getting good feedback and advice and it made me realize I needed to put my sit. out there all in one place in hopes some wise elders...lol...would come pay me a visit and offer me some wisdom as well.
I look forward to everyone's input and hope everyone is doing their best at DB'ing this weekend.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Well over the last 3 weeks H seems to be more comfortable being around me and our home. Instead of coming over on Sundays to take the kids for the day he actually stays here and the 4 of us watch movies together and would actually appear to outsiders like a normal family. H even seems to not rush off at the end of the day anymore either as he had.
Lastnight when he left I saw a smile on his face that was like the old normal H, you know the kind of smile that only you would get from him and only you could read it. He then came to me and hugged me which has only happened 4 times since he left and it was either me hugging him or him agreeing to give me one when I asked. I stopped asking about a month ago and that was also about the last time we hugged. So what happened yesterday was in my opinion a very good baby step on his part.
I will keep the posts coming and hope others will eventually find me here and start posting as well their opinions and advice.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Was there something in the water yesterday? My H seemed more like himself than he has in a very long time. I'm trying not to get excited about it but for some reason, like your situation, it just feels a little different lately.
I had posted on my thread wondering if it was a baby step or mixed messages but didn't get much feedback. So if you are looking at your scenario as a baby step and then maybe I should too?
Was there something in the water yesterday? My H seemed more like himself than he has in a very long time. I'm trying not to get excited about it but for some reason, like your situation, it just feels a little different lately.
I had posted on my thread wondering if it was a baby step or mixed messages but didn't get much feedback. So if you are looking at your scenario as a baby step and then maybe I should too?
Glad to hear you saw a baby step too. Please share it with me. Isn't it funny how you notice ALL those little things now that before you simply took for granted? I surely know that when my H comes back I will forever notice those little things and appreciate them totally. It makes you feel as if you are on cloud 9 doesn't it? I am still on a bit of a high from that hug yesterday and that smile that came along with it.
Now 8 weeks ago if he were to have done that same thing I would have ruined it and pushed him away more by insisting that we talk about it and that it meant something but this board and the books I have beenr eading have been helping me learn to be STILL and QUIET and let him do all the moves and talks, he has to initiate things or it will be pressure if I do.
I find myself fantasizing about my H now which I never did before. I also find myself thinking about him as I fall asleep at night after I pray to God to work on softening H's heart and keeping him safe while he is off doing whatever it is he is doing and with whoever. I also ask God to stay with the kids and to continue to give me strength and patience. Before all this I doubted God but have had such a major 180 in regards to religion. I know with God now that all things are possible and hope exists. He is the reason for life and all it's wonder. I still believe he has help though of osme really good beings, people, angels, etc...
Heather
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Lastnight when he left I saw a smile on his face that was like the old normal H, you know the kind of smile that only you would get from him and only you could read it. He then came to me and hugged me which has only happened 4 times since he left and it was either me hugging him or him agreeing to give me one when I asked. I stopped asking about a month ago and that was also about the last time we hugged. So what happened yesterday was in my opinion a very good baby step on his part.
You really give me hope with this baby step for my situation. Right now, I am the one initiating the hugging, although when I dont, I can detect she somewhat wants to, but is not at that point yet. I think I might try and not initiate during our next few interactions. Having her intitiate a hug would mean so much to me.
You must be feeling pretty confident about where your DB'ing is getting you.
