Gump, I see what you mean. I've told him that I'm sure I became more overbearing as he checked out, much like a child who pushes until they get pushed back. You know, looking for the attention, the sign that somebody cares. I was looking to see if he cared, and apparently he didn't.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I can't be the B I used to be because I really am not that person anymore so I can't even be that B to you...lol.
I appreciate what you are saying and your perspective because it gives me a man's view of this as if you are really in his shoes.
My stand right now is this...if I do too much I am pursuing and will push him away, hell I have asked him for a date night like dinner and/or movie and he refuses. So how do I play with his 'balls' as you suggest if he won't allow any of that stuff to happen yet?
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Wow! He hugged you! I am really needing some physical touch at the moment. Actually (and this is a little sad) last night when I handed H a drink, I made sure our fingers touched because I just wanted to touch him. My goal at the moment is to get a hug. He isn't there yet and I am not sure when he will be.
Mymonkeybug, you sure sound like a person in a lot better situation than you were when I first started reading your threads. That is great!
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Oh trust me I know where you are ocming from with the finger thing. I have done stuff like that just to feel his touch and skin.
Thank you for the compliment about sounding better. I am feeling and doing better. It still hurts like hell but I am keeping busy with work and the kids and staying positive with the small baby steps I notice from H.
Although as a gesture of kindness I sent him a text this a.m. telling him to have a good day at work and to have fun at volleyball tonight and to be safe. Didn't think it would hurt any and he replied with a simple 'OK'. Well, that was very blah but I let it go. I also let the kids call him this morning as I thought it might improve his day. He is very down about the paycut he took back in Nov. and the fact that the economy sucks and he basically doesn't get paid if people aren't getting their cars worked on at the shop. I figured hearing the kids voices would cheer him a bit. Not sure if that was a good move or not but I know he enjoys talking to them so I let them call.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
To me you are doing the right things. I have never been in his shoes. I have never had the "funk".
Somehow this "desperate need" shows through. It has to come across as really bad to the other person. They just want to get away. It is funny how your brain picks apart every situation. Like handing him a drink. Making sure your hands touch. There is just something different about it now versus when you were dating. He/She would have respond very different. That right there is the key. It sounds so simple yet it is practically impossible to reproduce. The harder you try the worse it gets.
The biggest issue we all have is communication. Wether it be verbal, physical, or emotional. Our communication is intended one way and yet it gets skewed when the OP hears/sees it.
I have said many times that what you say/do has to come from the heart. In saying that I mean it has to be "emotion" free. It has to be "devoid" of all the shi* that has happened. If you really sit down and think about it that is DB'ing to the max.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
As far as date night. I don't think he did not want to do it.
Honestly he thought.. Why?
Why should he invest his time in something that he can't fix. Trust me I see the good will. I see you wanna change your relationship. He sees it as he goes on a "date night" and is right back in the middle of it.
He still sees the controlling side in it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Do park day. Say on Saturday you and the kids are going to the park. You would like for him to come. Keep it light. Go by KFC and get some chicken and biscuits. Just have fun. Don't talk about anything. Don't ask about anything. Replace "Park" with a neutral place. Worst case he does not show and you throw some chicken away. My advise watch him just sit back and watch him. No comments. Just watch.
This one is off the beaten path. Plan a event. Involve other people. Couples. Me and such and such. Lets say you go to a "club". Or you are playing cards. Or just sitting having drinks. You pick. Invite him to make an appearance. Mention it casually. If he shows greet him like you would anyone else. Like the neighbor. Again just watch. No comments go with the flow. Save all the WTF stuff for here.
If you will notice both situations leave you an out. If he does not show you will likely still have fun. If he does then "Bonus!"
I failed to mention you must be on you game. You gotta look good. Not over the top. At the park something simple. Something you know he likes. Other spot I will leave up to you.
Think like you are dating. You don't care if he shows up. Max DB'ing. No expectations. If he shows great. If he does not so be it.
Last edited by Forrest Gump; 02/27/0802:18 AM.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
It is funny how your brain picks apart every situation.
That struck me because 2 days before H left he told me the one thing about me that bugs the hell out him the most is that I have to analyze everyone and everything and simply can't just accept people and situations for who and what they are. Yet he then said in the same breath that he wishes he could be more like me in that regard because maybe then he would be able to tell people how he really feels without feeling the need to always please everyone. Basically letting me know that I have no quames telling people to f*ck off if I don't like them or something they say or do and he can't do that but wishes he could?!?!?!
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
As far as date night. I don't think he did not want to do it.
Honestly he thought.. Why?
Why should he invest his time in something that he can't fix. Trust me I see the good will. I see you wanna change your relationship. He sees it as he goes on a "date night" and is right back in the middle of it.
I can see that now. Thanks for showing me that lightbulb moment...lol.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Good ideas. I will put my thinking cap on for a park day or something of the like. It is still very cold here so I will try to brainstorm some ideas and see what I can come up with.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
