It is great to see you here, posting about what Michele calls one of the best kept secrets in America. Your support for each other here on this board feels very heart felt. Glad you found your way here. Isn't it helpful to know you are not alone, and that you have a place to talk about all this?
In my work with couples for over a quarter century and as one of Michele's telephone coaches for many years, I've talked with many people for whom this sensitive issue is significant. I am so happy Michele wrote her new book and you can read just how prevalent low sexual desire in husbands really is, to know that you are not alone, even though most people don't talk about it, and to realize it is probably not all about you, as you probably have been thinking. Michele's book dispels this notion. It is normal to feel rejected and have it affect your sense of self. While it is true there may be some things you can do to improve yourself in the situation, primarily, it probably isn't about you at all. Your husband's low sexual desire could be caused by many and varied factors. Check out Michele's book and you will see many possibilities you may not have thought about before, which can provide a sense of relief and hope.
Individual guidance can be found with telephone coaching, in which your specific situation is the focal point. We work as a team, with you being the "field expert." Your coach will help you establish solution oriented goals, rather than continue unhelpful complaining, arguing, etc. In listening to your story as a trained outsider, I often see things from a different perspective and hear possibilities for change. In response, callers often have an "aha" experience which changes some of their blaming and negative feelings, (a relief) and they are primed for new action.
Your first call should end with a plan for some small specific steps to try. Your job then is to try out the plan, and notice what helps, even in the smallest way. Often I talk with folks whose efforts have created small changes, but don't even seem to notice them. Or they notice them, but ignore the significance and fall back into old habits. Your coach can help alert you to those signs you may have missed, help you give yourself the credit due, and keep you motivated to stay on target. The next calls build on small successes and fine tune the plan. Your coach will be your cheer leader and encourage you to continue in the direction of your longer term goals. Sometimes it takes the two of you to kick impatience, anger, and hopelessness out of the way. If there were no hope, Michele's book would be moot, and you all wouldn't be here!!
I'm proud to be a part of Michele's awesome coaching team, all of whom are believers in hope and practical action that works. We are interested in your feedback about this messageboard and about your experiences with telephone coaching. Good luck to you all. Keep supporting each other, and spread the word.
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/26/0805:18 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
this was written for me!!! in an emotionally and sex starved marrage of 26yrs 2 kids. im an attractive 49yr old, who was desperate, and worse off now. in response to what lacking at home after repeadtly asking him, i rekindled a relationship with my one and only love from high school, after this confirmed the lacking attriction at homw was not me, i asked my husband to leave, he eventually found out about my 4 mo. affair. my old flame will not leave his wife and im so emotionally attached its pathetic, we did get together one time! we ended the affair, and my husband is now casanova, will do anything to save marrage!!! trouble is dont feel in love with him anymore. where was he all those years!!! so confused, please help
this was written for me!!! in an emotionally and sex starved marrage of 26yrs 2 kids. im an attractive 49yr old, who was desperate, and worse off now. in response to what lacking at home after repeadtly asking him, i rekindled a relationship with my one and only love from high school, after this confirmed the lacking attriction at homw was not me, i asked my husband to leave, he eventually found out about my 4 mo. affair. my old flame will not leave his wife and im so emotionally attached its pathetic, we did get together one time! we ended the affair, and my husband is now casanova, will do anything to save marrage!!! trouble is dont feel in love with him anymore. where was he all those years!!! so confused, please help
I hear this repeatedly, I told my husband I need this & that but did you really tell him what you really wanted? Based on the research I've been reviewing, the lack of true communication is what caused this, your inability to communicate your real needs to your husband. Before you start up in an uproar, here is some real communication and this is real and blatant and direct and to the point and then after reading this, tell me if you actually said this:
" I am bored in this relationship, I require really good sex every xx days/weeks and I am starved for it. I am feeling unloved & unwanted and I can't continue in this relationship without these things that I call basic necessities. I don't want to exist in a marriage just to exist, if you can't give me what I want which is sex and not just any sex, good sex and attentive sex, and touching & massaging and communicating,etc. Then I will divorce you and proceed to get it elsewhere, I will not be unheard and I will not be ignored anymore. I don't tell this to be mean to you but I have to be honest with what my body needs & wants."
Tell me this is what you told your husband before you had your affair.
Before you tell me that he wouldn't have done anything to change, you just mentioned that he's acting like "casanova and will do anything to save the marriage". Fear of loss will inspire anyone to change. The real issue is communication and HONESTY, you weren't honest with your husband about your needs and didn't really want to give him the a chance at helping fulfill those needs - it's not because he didn't want to or couldn't. You couldn't be honest with him and more importantly yourself about you wanted and you feel now that you are entitled to affairs because of this.
Men are not mind readers and neither are women because if women were, they could read men's minds and basically find out that men are clueless when it comes to this.
Please respond and tell me you gave your husband this conversation before you had your affair.
Yes you're an emotional wreck now, you're dealing with guilt of the affair, you see that your husband would have done something, you are angry because you weren't honest and you probably look at your husband like he's pathetic & worthless. True love is committment & honesty. Being in love for women is what men call being infatuated, something new is definitely something sexy & exciting. Once the lustre of the affair is gone or once the other man leaves, you are left with coming down off a powerful high similar to drugs (tell me I'm wrong) and now you're looking for your next fix (desperate & worse off now)
I hate to say that I'm wrong on this, I wish I was but the stuff I've been reading really paints a whole new picture on all of this.
You either commit whole-heartedly to your marriage, be honest about your needs and what it is you want or divorce your husband. You entered this relationship model with your husband and created a new model without your husband: the only way out of this is to be honest & communicate what you need or divorce - there is no other way out. The longer you live in this holding pattern, the more you will hurt yourself and your husband.
And one other tidbit to add to this, is it possible your husband went through something similar with you but instead of being honest with his needs because he felt largely ignored about he wanted that he gave in, lost his excitement for life and just planned to exist in life without ever getting anything from his wife? The difference is this, he didn't cheat on you, he chose to remain faithful and just suffer because he loved you.
I'm not saying any of this be hard on you, and I won't label you a cheater, but I will tell you that you made the wrong decision or decisions in your marriage. You can turn this around and make your marriage something different and something great or you can chase a "feeling" because we both know you're not chasing a person. You enjoyed the feeling of being "high" (that's the feeling infatuation produces similar to being on cocaine or heroine) and the feeling you have now is even worse, it's like coming off of crack, you have that addicted feeling and are crashing hard. You probably even spent some time crying, in agony, maybe you couldn't leave your bed for a few days, nothing can console you and you probably even place some or all of this blame on your husband whenever you see him and whenever he tries to please you it makes you even angrier at him.
If I knew your phone number I would call your husband and tell him exactly what he needs to do with you, which is to be firm, give you a bit of a kick in the ass and be a real man with you and let you know that what you did was wrong but he still loves you and forgives you and won't label you as a cheater but he can't live with someone who want be honest, communicative and real about what a committed marriage is about.
So how close was I to any of this, take into account we are both anonymous & remote, please be honest with all of this.
You responded to a post that was made in May of 2008. The member has not been active since 2008. Just wanted to let you know that you might not receive a reply.
I think that your post was tremendous, by the way.
that's too funny, I just noticed that now, oh well, maybe some new activity in this thread will get others to chime in and verify or deny if any of my long winded verbose speech actually rings true for their respective situations.
Lucky, thank you for bringing me back down to earth, I was standing pretty comfortable at 10feet tall, but hey 5'8" isn't all that bad when you get used to it.
Rob. This is just my second day on here and i just pasted my story into this forum.. suggested by another member..I read your post and it was good..and you are right.. But sometimes you dont really know exactly what it is you want, just that you do want more of something.. When you get a chance.. read my post.. then i will expand w/ you b/c its interesting to get a mans view.. Briefly..i got involved w/ sex chat online..I know.!! i know!! but it happened rather unexpectedly and soon became a problem.. BUT.. through that.. it helped me realize some of the things i did want from my husband and we have had some pretty frank discussions about it since then, that is one of the only positives to come from it i guess.. it has put me back in touch w/ that part of my brain that has felt dead for years..problem is he feels he cant "compete" w. these people on line.. i have since quit but he feels i have had an affair.. which i disagree, I told him it wasnt a competition.. i would love nothing better than to get this from him.. but he is so reserved and restrained.. he cant let go.. and i dont know how to help him.. I have been pretty explicit for the first time ever in what i want from him.. he says he cant.. and its not something "crazy" or wild.. or off color.. he tries.. but just feels like he cant..anyway.. please take the time to read my post and hope to hear back..You seem like a pretty level headed man.. so it will be good to hear from you..
