Out of the Blue?

[tomcat65]

Hi ken,just checking in to see how your doing?Sounds to me like she getting pretty confused.Doesnt really see which way she want to go about anything.I hope your painting help.Im going to start fixing the house up which,i havent done much to in a while to keep my self busy this weekend.Its going to snow today up to a foot,so i need something to keep me busy here.Hang in there!!!!

[kturnernc]

Right on with that thought. If she thinks that her life sucks with only working 2 days and having all that free time... shoot! Anyway, I am not bailing her out. This is part of her having to take responsibility for her decision. She dug the hole...

Anyway, she came today to pick up the kids and looked horrible. Like she was about to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she responded that she was tired from working and coming down with something. Well, I call BS. After knowing her for 15 years, I know what sick looks like. It literally looked like she was about to burst out in tears. I felt sorry because she looked so pathetic that I asked again. Her response this time was "I had already told you what was wrong." Well, I am still not buying it. So, I told her that I hoped she felt better and helped her out the door. I am not going to do anything out of the ordinary for her to help her. I have enough things to worry about.

[kturnernc]

Well, I don't know if my mind is changing about this separation or I am just getting more detached, but a good portion of the time, I really do not want to talk to her. There is nothing that is good that is being said. She still is accusing me of trying to undermine her postion (paranoia?) and trying to convince me that it is okay to date others. Today was my son's pinewood derby for scouts. I was there the whole time, she showed up a bit late, wandered off, and then left as soon as she could using my youngest as an excuse (he needed a nap). She so obviously did not want to be there.

I still am getting the vibes that she is trying not to think about the past 15 years of our relationship at all. She is trying to push me out of her mind and life. But I think she is coming to the realization that she cannot do that. I will always be there for the kids, no matter what she does. I will do whatever it takes to be there.

So, do I keep going? Do I re-evaluate and call it quits? I really do not know what to do at all. I do know that I love her still. I do know that when I look at a family picture that I have I almost cry. I know it hurts that she has taken down every picture in the house with me in it. So I know that MY embers for her are not cold. They are still very much hot. I do not know what I am trying to say. I am just rambling i guess. I am just confused. I am guessing that it stems from her being that way as well.

[tomcat65]

Ken,your doing the same thing I was the other day.I guess what it really comes down to is do you really want your family whole again,I know I do and Im going to try everything till I cant try anymore.At least Ill know when this is over one way or another I can hold my head up high.Can face my family nowing I gave it my best shot.Hang in there,I think your getting sucked into the roller coaster.Also check out the post[was a was now a Lbs]It will give you insight that i have not read before it is great!!!Take care Ken

[jandn]

Yea I hear you Ken, sounds like we all are in the same boat. We know what we want but are getting signals otherwise that gets us second guessing ourselves. Dont go down looking, go down swinging! I feel like I dont want to talk to W cause of her tone lots of time. But when I sit around and think about W in her good tone just want to call and hear from her everything is going to be ok.

A pointer I got was when W goes on a rampage about this or that to just calmly point out "well no matter what you say or do, etc (whatever she is doing) that i love you and always will no matter how much you are trying to push me out of this marriage." Hope that helps, hang in there man.

[FA]

A pointer I got was when W goes on a rampage about this or that to just calmly point out "well no matter what you say or do, etc (whatever she is doing) that i love you and always will no matter how much you are trying to push me out of this marriage."

You know that sounds good but keeping it simple is better. Most of what you reply to the WAS brews in their head and ticks them off. Something short and sweet and not reminding them of what is happening....i.e., " no matter how much you are trying to push me out of this marriage". Don't remind her of this...she already KNOWS this! And about ILY...she knows that too because she has heard that a thousand times from you as she has been working the divorce angle. Just say that you are there for her. That is all you really need to say.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Well, I don't know if my mind is changing about this separation or I am just getting more detached, but a good portion of the time, I really do not want to talk to her. . . . So, do I keep going? Do I re-evaluate and call it quits?

It's hard to be patient and do nothing - but, you've only been separated for about 5 weeks. You've been married almost 14 years. This is a really stressful and confusing time for both of you - not the best conditions for making a decision that will affect the rest of your lives. . . .

I think the challenge of an unwanted separation is to try to figure out how to put the time to good use and to find the opportunities for growth and healing. It seems completely natural that you wouldn't really want to talk with each other right now - there is too much emotional stuff going on. But, you can use the time now for you and for the kids.

[smith18]

My W kind of wondered off too during my sons first pinewood derby. Found out later that she wanted to buy mattresses for the kids new beds at OM's place.

I still am getting the vibes that she is trying not to think about the past 15 years of our relationship at all. She is trying to push me out of her mind and life. But I think she is coming to the realization that she cannot do that. I will always be there for the kids, no matter what she does. I will do whatever it takes to be there.

I think if we can have time, they will slowly think more about what they are doing to a good family. You are also going to go through doubts and depression during the waiting. Just hang in there if there is any possibility in your mind that she may come back. In the end, you need to be able to say to yourself that you did all you could to save the M.

[Just_Me]

Ken, just a few little things to comment on.

You're doing fine, just don't get impatient. Just think of it as something that has to run its course before it gets any better (if it's going to), like an illness. Give it time. Be consistent. Don't try to read her mind. Don't get vibes. Try to keep the focus on being the best guy you can be. If that isn't good enough for her, then you really can't do much else. Can you?

Don't ask what's wrong and especially don't ask again. First time is one thing, but asking again is a recipe for getting chopped down. Be nice. Be friendly. Be strong and confident. She'll volunteer info if she wants, but it's my opinion that sometimes even simple questions annoy them. Maybe your wife thinks you're digging.

[kturnernc]

Sorry to have been gone, but was taking a mental break. I agree with all of yoru posts. I am still confused when I start to think about things and the path they may take. This is something that will have to run its course. I have started looking at it like an illness. It will eventually take care of itself one way or the other. I am simply going to act like the doc and try to heal it the best way in my opinion.

So, quick update...
I have been GAL. I have been going to hockey games (I don't really like hockey, but am starting to) and hanging out with my friends. In fact last night, I was hanging with my friends and she called early for the boys nightly calls. She started out apologizing for not calling the night before. Which I did not notice because a buddy was at the apartment and we were talking. But after saying she was sorry, she wanted to clarify something that may have been relayed to me via my oldest. They were eating with one of her friends and they were talking about dating sites. Her friend is on one but my W wanted to make sure that it was not about her. Thought that was kind of curious. Anyway, after that, she started asking me questions of who I was talking to and where i was. i simply told her 'friends' and that i was 'out'. Her mood changed, she put my oldest on the phone and that was that.

I tried to be a bit mysterious and am keeping the idea that frankly, it is none of her business. If that ticks her off, oh well. As far as the dating thing, I am not trying to read anything into it. Maybe it is guilt, maybe it is not, maybe it was just a way to defuse a future crisis. I don't know, nor will I, not worth my time to worry about.

Other than that, I am trying to stay positive and now that my mind seems to be in a more positive light, I am going to work on my body. So far I have lost 25 pounds. Not good. I am going to start hitting the weight room and toning what I have since the extra fat has been forcefully ripped off my body.